The Democratic Disaster Just Got Even More Hilarious

Guest Post by Kurt Schlichter

So, now the Democrats are choosing between a pair of doddering crustaceans. The Crusty Commie Curmudgeon and the Crusty Comedy Relief both did well enough Tuesday to keep going. Big Chief Warren, whose actual people call corn “corn” and not “maize,” may still go on because she’s an insufferable monster whose transcendent yearning to nag us into schoolmarm’d submission knows no bounds, plus because the establishment wants her in the race siphoning Chablis socialist votes away from her Marx brother. But the Hapless Halfling dropped out, a half-billion bucks lighter, and he’s not just returning to his burrow. He’ll want to remain a Dem player – he’ll keep spending like an NFL superstar in the Champagne Room at the Peppermint Pasty gentleman’s club after getting his signing bonus paid in singles, and the Lil’ Loser hopes to make it rain until he drowns Donald Trump in a sea of greenbacks.

But the battle is really for the shriveled heart of the Democrat Party, and no one better represents the yin and the yang of that dying collection of power-hungry elitists and grasping greedos than the doddering socialist Sanders and that Biden guy who should by all rights be chasing that damn know-it-all squirrel around the park.

Biden reps the establishment, with his last fifty years of failure in Washington tracking exactly his party’s last fifty years of failure in Washington. And Sanders represents the fresh face of a 150-year-old murder cult that only people as dumb as Hollywood stars, college kids, and kale-gobbling hipsters would be stupid enough to let near power. If you’re not seeing anything for you between them, there’s a reason why – whichever loser they choose, you can be sure that you’ll be the enemy. With Sanders, you’ll be a Kulak, and with Biden, you’ll be a Kulak Lite. So, basically, you’ll be Ted Lieu-ed either way, but under Joe, your end might come a little slower, as is his won’t.

The establishment is probably right about Sanders when they heed the injunction to “Never go full Red Guard.” A lot of people try to draw an analogy between Sanders’ anti-establishment populist insurgency and Donald Trump’s anti-establishment populist insurgency and warn that we’re likely to feel a third-degree Bern in November. And while the nominee of a major party always has a theoretical chance to win, the fact that Trump beat the odds does not mean the weirdo from Burlington is destined for victory. If you are normal, he wants to take your money, your guns, your doctor, your border, and even job if you are one of the American heroes who helped make us energy independent. Trump wanted to do the opposite. A better analogy is Sanders’s fellow garbage commie jerk, Jeremy Corbyn, who all the best people on Twitter told me was going to win and instead ended up taking the Labor Party down into the figurative Pulp Fiction pawn shop basement to channel Ving Rhames.

You have the center-left guy who is trying to be a leftist and you have the leftist who is totally being a leftist, ignoring that most of America is not leftist-curious. They all talk a good game about “unity,” but we know that the second they have the chance they’ll do everything they can to ensure we never have the chance to vote their kind out again. Little Loser Mike, in his remarkably clueless speech given before he saw the writing written on the lower part of the wall after Super Tuesday, talked about how he would banish the forces of indecency then literally a line later talked about unifying the country. Seems pretty hard to unify America when you just labeled half of Americans “indecent,” but far be it from me to dare to criticize the genius who has won more primaries than me or you – albeit, one more, and that was American Samoa at a cost of $500 million.

Now, Biden is an inanimate object and everyone can see that he’s the Trojan donkey the establishment hopes to use to sneak back into power. That means he can’t very well capture the change zeitgeist. Sanders is a danger to the establishment because he actually believes the nonsense he’s spewing. He’d provide genuine change, but the problem is that with him, it would be changing us into his beloved Cuba.

Donald Trump still has the change thing going for him in a good way – the Dingus of Dover is the candidate of the past, and Vermont Stalin is the candidate of a dystopian future. And the flaws of these individuals, combined with the flaws of their poisonous leftist ideologies like climate cultism and pronoun insanity, make them vulnerable to a guy who is not going to let the Candy Crowleys of the media stuff a ball gag in his cliché hole like that sap Mitt Romney.

Super Tuesday settled nothing. This fight is going to go on for the next six months until one of these fossils “wins.” And then Trump is going to kick the Schiff out him right up into November.

Should the Democrats win, we’re in for reality not unlike the one in my latest conservative thriller, Collapse, along with the other entries in the best-selling series, People’s Republic, Indian Country, and Wildfire. They describe America post-Democrat victory, with all the failure and misery that entails, but have no fear – plenty of action and liberal bashing ensue. Get them all, and also check out my Townhall VIP podcast, “Unredacted” every Monday as well as my new Hugh Hewitt-affiliated Salem podcast, “Fighting Words”!

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