WASHINGTON, D.C.—In real news that totally actually happened, President Trump has announced that in the interest of public safety, the 2020 presidential election has been canceled.
“It’s just too risky,” President Trump told the press while standing behind a sneeze guard. “We’ll get all these people gathered together at rallies or lined up to vote, and they’re all going to get sick. And Bernie and Biden — they’re just so old. Sending them around crowds campaiging is basically trying to murder them. Anyway, it just seems pointless for a bunch of people to die when everyone knows I was going to win anyway.”
Trump has been a divisive figure in the past, but so far everyone has agreed with this move. The New York Times, which usually opposes absolutely everything Trump does, wrote an editorial in support of canceling the election. “It’s a smart, science-driven move,” the editorial said. “As important as democracy is, it’s just not worth dying over.”
Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders also seemed very relieved by the announcement, as they’re both very tired and worried about getting sick. Sanders was especially happy, telling the press, “You know, for a few moments there, it really seemed like I might win, and I didn’t know what was going to happen if people actually expected me to follow through on all that free stuff.” Sanders is now deciding in which of his three houses to self-quarantine.
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The BEE needs to stop giving anyone ideas.
GA just switched back to paper ballots to address concerns over the easily hackable, no auditable paper trail computers. I could see the scare over paper and coin currency being extended, with them forcing everyone to “just tell us who you want to vote for and we’ll mark the ballot for you”…..or similar crap.
TPTB will do whatever it takes to keep Trump out and put their near-brain-dead candidate (and his hand-picked running mate/successor) in. How this all plays out through election day will be both interesting and extremely scary I’m sure.
Give Trump and Biden 12 oz gloves and schedule them to go 10 rounds live on TV at Madison Square Gardens on 3Nov2020 at 10:00 PM EST. If a winner is not obvious, they go until one is. No do-overs; anybody that says “he ain’t my POTUS” gets his ass stomped.
Declare martial law, quarantine all Dems with cruise ship passengers and let god sort them out……The Great Reset is here, what was previously unthinkable will now become probable.
Perhaps another Gowdy Grilling will set things right.
Soon to be four lake house’s Bernie!
He will probably go for a house in the Caribbean, maybe Cuba.
As a consolation prize, The Donald is shipping out to Nancy, The Squad, and all the other cu**s oversized, Pink Pussy hats guaranteed not to unravel for 4 more years.