MEANWHILE….IN CANADA

Submitted by RiNS

Canadian trapper survives brutal sexual assault by 200-pound beaver

Jackhead | A Canadian trapper claims he has survived a brutal sexual assault by what he calls the “biggest beaver he has ever seen.”

Bill O’Connor, 63, was checking his beaver traps near Lake Winnipeg when a large bear-like creature attacked him out of nowhere.

O’Connor, who first thought he was being mauled by a small bear or wolverine, soon realized it was, in fact, a very large-sized beaver.

“I had never seen a beaver of this size in my entire life,” he told local reporters.

The beaver, apparently bruised by one his traps, was extremely aggressive and even managed to knock the sixty-three-year-old man unconscious before he awoke minutes later.

“I woke up, my face in the snow and gasping for hair. The beaver was crushing me with its weight and doing a humping motion on my head and neck while making a strange guttural sound. It must’ve weighed at least 200 pounds,” he recalls.

Moments later, the large-sized semiaquatic rodent eventually ejaculated on O’Connor’s head and neck, before leaving the area.

“I had warm beaver semen all over my hair, face, eyes and mouth, but man was I glad to be alive,” he said, visibly grateful.

Bill O'Connor, 63, told local reporters he had been mauled and sexually assaulted by what he believes to be a massive 200-pound beaver.

Bill O’Connor, 63, told local reporters he had been mauled and sexually assaulted by what he believes to be a massive 200-pound beaver.

Multiple sightings

Conservation officer, Tom McGreary, says visitors at the nearby Kinwow Bay Park Reserve have reported multiple sightings of an unusually large-sized beaver in the area.

“We have also had several reports in the area by local residents of excessively large beavers but until now it had been more of a local legend,” he said when reached by phone.

“Beavers are usually not an aggressive species unless they feel threatened or are injured, although sexual predation on other mammals, especially humans, is unheard of,” he adds.

Beavers continue to grow throughout their lives and adult specimens weighing over 25 kg (55 lb) are not uncommon.

The largest specimen ever recorded was captured in Red Lake, Ontario, in 1897 and weighed an impressive 107 kg (237 lb).

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78 Comments
TN Patriot
TN Patriot
June 24, 2020 11:22 am

It was a warning to the trapper. Next time he will rip off the clothes and give him the real treatment.

cz
cz
June 24, 2020 11:25 am

yowza…
pretty sure i wouldn’t be telling the world.

MrLiberty
MrLiberty
  cz
June 24, 2020 5:20 pm

My first thought exactly. Clean yourself off, count your blessings, and never tell a soul.

TampaRed
TampaRed
  MrLiberty
June 24, 2020 7:02 pm

wanna go camping ?

starfcker
starfcker
  MrLiberty
June 24, 2020 11:48 pm

Man, you Canadians better eat your Wheaties or something. Letting a rodent jack off on you? And then bragging about it?

Figaro86
Figaro86
June 24, 2020 11:27 am

Two hundred pound beaver? Stacey Abrams?

old white guy
old white guy
  Figaro86
June 24, 2020 12:10 pm

Kind of what I had in mind.

Anonymous
Anonymous
  old white guy
June 24, 2020 1:55 pm

this sound more like a man-bear-pig story,
I’m not buying it, fake noose.

Tr4head
Tr4head
  Figaro86
June 24, 2020 7:20 pm

She is more like another animal from Africa: Water Buffalo.

Byte Mee
Byte Mee
  Figaro86
June 26, 2020 12:08 am

Abrams hasn’t been 200 lb since she was 12.

Baba Looey
Baba Looey
June 24, 2020 11:37 am

Reminds me of that old joke about the hunter getting humped by a bear every time his shot misses. The third time the hunter misses and before the bear humps the hunter the bear says, “You’re not out hear for the hunting, are you?”

CornDog
CornDog
June 24, 2020 11:38 am

Are they trying to outdo the Onion with this one?

Mygirl....Maybe
Mygirl....Maybe
  CornDog
June 24, 2020 1:41 pm

Yeah, ok, I went there…..
comment image?w=640&f=d33a1bc6b54495ec6dc1dd3760701e92
comment image?w=500&h=400&fit=max&auto=format%2Ccompress&cs=srgb&q=70
comment image?

Auntie Kriest
Auntie Kriest
  Mygirl....Maybe
June 24, 2020 3:20 pm

Shit, right after lunch.

ILuvCO2
ILuvCO2
  Mygirl....Maybe
June 24, 2020 4:48 pm

I’m gonna make her mine.

Muscledawg
Muscledawg
  Mygirl....Maybe
June 24, 2020 5:56 pm

That’s not Gavin McInnis, is it?

TampaRed
TampaRed
  Mygirl....Maybe
June 24, 2020 11:06 pm

if you guys don’t see a post from me within the next 24 hours,please call the local cops & have them come looking 4 me– as i was scrolling down & checking new comments my daughter came into the room where i have my computer,just as the pics above came into view–“ooh,what is that?”she’s in the other room telling the wife about it now–
i love you guys–

Fleabaggs
Fleabaggs
  TampaRed
June 24, 2020 11:46 pm

She won’t need a wood chipper with all the gators out back. You’ll be reincarnated as a gator turd.

old white guy
old white guy
June 24, 2020 12:10 pm

I seen a 200 lb beaver once, it wasn’t pretty.

barbarossa58
barbarossa58
  old white guy
June 24, 2020 12:35 pm

Must be referring to my ex-wife..

TampaRed
TampaRed
  old white guy
June 24, 2020 7:04 pm

white guy,when you have that beaver in the truck you need to turn off the dome light–

Tr4head
Tr4head
  old white guy
June 24, 2020 7:22 pm

Never went to bed with one, but woke up with a few.

hardscrabble farmer
hardscrabble farmer
June 24, 2020 12:14 pm

TMI.

Trappist Monk
Trappist Monk
  hardscrabble farmer
June 24, 2020 12:20 pm

Watch your six, Hardy.

Mygirl....Maybe
Mygirl....Maybe
  hardscrabble farmer
June 24, 2020 1:52 pm

comment image?w=500&h=400&fit=max&auto=format%2Ccompress&cs=srgb&q=70

Trappist Monk
Trappist Monk
  Mygirl....Maybe
June 24, 2020 2:17 pm

I’m wondering if the redhead has shag or berber carpeting?

Auntie Kriest
Auntie Kriest
  Trappist Monk
June 24, 2020 3:22 pm

You actually went there?

Trappist Monk
Trappist Monk
  Auntie Kriest
June 24, 2020 3:44 pm

Things are shut down everywhere, you know what I mean?

Trappist Monk
Trappist Monk
  Trappist Monk
June 24, 2020 5:24 pm

Auntie, your being unrealistically selective using club standards. You think you have your pick of the hundreds of women there when 99 times out of 100, you struck out the moment you walked in the door.

Now, imagine you were on a desert isle with the red head, would you or wouldn’t you? Me, I can’t wait to book a flight to the desert isle hoping she’ll be there.

Mygirl....Maybe
Mygirl....Maybe
  Trappist Monk
June 24, 2020 6:29 pm
Mygirl....Maybe
Mygirl....Maybe
  Trappist Monk
June 24, 2020 6:26 pm
TampaRed
TampaRed
  Trappist Monk
June 24, 2020 10:22 pm

i used to throw a paper route & outside the last apt bldg on the route there was a red sportscar w/a bumper sticker that read,”blondes may have more fun but redheads are more fun.”
you can imagine the image i had in my head as to what she looked like–one night the printing press broke & the papers were so late that i didn’t finish the route until 7:30 or so–
guess who was just coming out of her apt on the way to work?it was red’s older sister b4 she lost the 100 lbs. she had on red–
i’m sure it’s her b/c of the palms in the background–

Glock-N-Load
Glock-N-Load
June 24, 2020 12:15 pm

What?

Anonymous
Anonymous
June 24, 2020 12:16 pm

Yep… with Hungry Polar Bears Rampaging across the lands, along with Horny Beavers, Justin Trudeau is the least of our problems these days.. For the luv of Gawd folks please don’t tell TampaRed aboot this… he’ll be likely to have a nervous breakdown..

And don’t worry folks aboot me.. if worse comes to worse I am purdy shore I can ootrun my wife..

discretion being two-fifths of valour!

Mygirl....Maybe
Mygirl....Maybe
  Anonymous
June 24, 2020 1:58 pm

comment image

EC
EC
  Mygirl....Maybe
June 24, 2020 2:06 pm

That brought back some painful memories of my slave days. Reparations, please.

Mygirl....Maybe
Mygirl....Maybe
  EC
June 24, 2020 2:15 pm

Admit it, you loved every minute and would go back for more….

Trappist Monk
Trappist Monk
  Mygirl....Maybe
June 24, 2020 3:46 pm
TampaRed
TampaRed
  EC
June 24, 2020 7:07 pm

slave days?isn’t that you & the sexy mulatta?

Tr4head
Tr4head
  EC
June 24, 2020 7:23 pm

Dont worry, they are on the way.

Byte Mee
Byte Mee
  Mygirl....Maybe
June 26, 2020 12:13 am

Nothing wrong with being short.When you toes to toes,your nose is in it.When you are nose to nose your toes is in it.

RinsKit
RinsKit
  Anonymous
June 24, 2020 10:32 pm

Tell us more about the fascinating wildlife you have up there in lower Alaska,please honorable sir.
And the dialect you use,is that Canadianese or some other language?

TC
TC
June 24, 2020 1:41 pm

Somebody should probably check his internet search history.

Mrs. P
Mrs. P
June 24, 2020 2:12 pm

Bob’s been getting into some strange jams ever since he got the butt implants.

Anonymous
Anonymous
June 24, 2020 4:52 pm
ILuvCO2
ILuvCO2
  Anonymous
June 24, 2020 11:16 pm

damn, beat me to it…

MrLiberty
MrLiberty
June 24, 2020 5:21 pm

Sorry in advance:

comment image

Nkit
Nkit
  MrLiberty
June 24, 2020 7:09 pm

Now that is a fine specimen of womanhood !

nkit
nkit
  Nkit
June 24, 2020 10:49 pm

very bad dopple job, moron..

nkit
nkit
  nkit
June 24, 2020 11:25 pm

dopple this, idiot..

Tr4head
Tr4head
  MrLiberty
June 24, 2020 9:43 pm

Back is beautiful. Well, not when back is front.

EC
EC
  MrLiberty
June 24, 2020 11:00 pm

I knew there was something wrong with Mr. Lib.

Just a Medic
Just a Medic
June 24, 2020 5:30 pm

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Yahsure
Yahsure
June 24, 2020 6:20 pm

I thought they were talking about the local females at first.

John Doe
John Doe
June 24, 2020 7:51 pm

The locals pleaded with Bill not to go out alone because there were rumors of a big balled 200 lb. buck toothed beaver on the prowel by the name of Mortamus the dammed. Before being knocked out and humiliated, the last thing that ran through Bill’s mind were the residents telling him to….BEAVERY careful lol

Llpoh
Llpoh
June 24, 2020 8:00 pm

I have been attacked by a lot of beavers in my time. Never so large though.

TampaRed
TampaRed
  Llpoh
June 24, 2020 9:42 pm

llpoh,
we’re your buds here,at least we pretend to be–
as much as you talk about booze when the subject comes up there’s no way that some of those beavers weren’t massive–
the fact that you deny it is proof enough–
maybe you need to go w/nkit to big gals anonymous —
we’ll be pulling 4 you to make it safely out the other end–

Chubby
Chubby
  TampaRed
June 24, 2020 10:46 pm
nkit
nkit
  TampaRed
June 24, 2020 11:23 pm

leave me out of this, you deviant…

Llpoh
Llpoh
  TampaRed
June 24, 2020 11:28 pm

Tampa – seriously, no big beavers in my history. I was nothing if not selective.

Mygirl....Maybe
Mygirl....Maybe
  Llpoh
June 24, 2020 11:57 pm

Uh huh….

Byte Mee
Byte Mee
  Llpoh
June 26, 2020 12:15 am

You have to marry ’em to see ’em that large.

Fleabaggs
Fleabaggs
June 24, 2020 8:43 pm

He was knocked out while he was mounted but made sure he came to in time to recount the horrors in detail to his friends at the bath house.

Mygirl....Maybe
Mygirl....Maybe
  Fleabaggs
June 25, 2020 12:28 am

What brought him to was the warm semen coursing off his head….

Here is a video on the wonders of beavers….

icutrauma11
icutrauma11
June 24, 2020 9:43 pm

Someone please show me where this came from the Babylon Bee.

Two if by sea. Three if from within.
Two if by sea. Three if from within.
June 24, 2020 11:21 pm

Speechless.
I have no speech.

nkit
nkit
June 24, 2020 11:54 pm

I’m a bit worried about RiNS and Tampa Red…They see Polar Bears where we see nothing…RiNS, I can understand, Tampa Red. no sympahty

RiNS
RiNS
  nkit
June 25, 2020 7:09 am

No needs for worries aboot me nkit . Red on the other hand, after reading the thread this am, has got bigger problems than bears…

There were a few good laughs reading thru this thread and laughs are needed to compete with the farce unfolding in the Shitties across America

That Beaver should be made a LEO and sent to Toronto…

MEANWHILE….IN CANADA #2

Morongobill
Morongobill
June 25, 2020 9:40 am

Hope these fat bottomed gals don’t take over Friday Fail.