President Biden is doing a great job getting rid of evil sources of energy like coal and gas, and replacing them with good energy– like wind, solar, and baby unicorn whispers. Unfortunately, it seems that some of you may have lost your jobs as a result. Never fear! Biden has promised to replace your jobs with much better jobs that don’t make Mother Gaia cry.
Here are 9 exciting new opportunities for laid-off oil and gas workers:
#1 Installing urinals in girls’ bathrooms – There are over 120 million buildings in the US. That’s 120 million girls’ bathrooms that will need a new urinal installed for the sake of equality. Not bad!
#2 Trumpet boy for Biden’s royal decrees – Biden’s executive orders just seem a little more special with a trumpet boy out front heralding the coming of a new decree! Whitehouse.gov recently posted an opening for this position. Get on it!
#3 Elementary school teacher in Chicago – There’s nothing nobler than working for the education of a child. Well– we don’t mean work, we mean get paid by the government just for existing. Not a bad gig.
#4 Carry buckets of oil up and down the Continental United States on foot – The Keystone XL pipeline may be gone, but that oil has to get to its destination somehow, Jack! There are thousands of new positions opening up for people to carry oil across the country, balanced on their heads, like tribal natives after fetching water at the village well. Start practicing now!
#5 Take that job at McDonald’s – Might as well. At this rate, the minimum wage will be $45 an hour by the years’ end.
#6 Open a GameStop – It’s the wave of the future!
#7 Go back in time and buy bitcoin – Just do it. Get off your butt, build a time machine, and buy some Bitcoin in 2009. Accomplish something for once!
#8 Replace all your body parts with cyborg implants and become an Amazon drone – Helicopter arms!!! Literally no downside to this.
#9 Become a youth pastor – Hardly any work required.
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No need to carry buckets of oil. Well-connected Biden campaign contributor Warren Buffet owns a controlling interest in the railroad that will be doing most of the oil transport. Didn’t see that coming…did you? Of course you did. None of this shit has ANYTHING to do with the environment. It has ALWAYS been about the money.
well well
About #9… did you know James Lankford was a Baptist Youth Pastor in Oklahoma prior to being elected to Congresscritter?
Here are a few more:
10) Guys, put on a dress and wig and become Pennsylvania’s new Health Director. The state needs one since Biden plucked Dick Levine for a top level post in the Federal government.
11) Become a Diversity Professor at a prestigious university. All you need to do is say “systemic racism” in every sentence and you’ll get hired. Sorry, white men need not apply.
12) Parlay your ability to win at Trivial Pursuit or Jeopardy by getting a job as a fact-checker with Facebook. While knowledge of the truth is not needed for this job, the ability to separate bullshit and propaganda from truth will get you a guest shot on the next Project Veritas video.
13) If you have always sought the limelight and you like sunny weather, take a shot at becoming the next governor of California. Newson’s days are numbered so why not.
14) Become a Walmart greeter/mask enforcer. The greeter positions are much more available since the corps of existing greeters are either quitting or getting the shit kicked out of them for telling shoppers to put on their masks.
See, who needs jobs in the oil and gas industry. The US is loaded with great job opportunities.
Job Opportunity #10: COVID Snitch.
Responsibilities: Rat out your family and friends for going mask-less.
Personality: Rat bastard chicken shit fuktards and Sociopaths preferred.
Age Limits: 10 – 90 years old.
Education: Kindergarten Dropout to College Degree (Black studies, Homo Studies, etc.)
Skills: The less the better. Retards Especially Welcome.
Pay: $1,000 per incident. Free Health Insurance. Free Apartment. Free Car. Free Phone. Free Food. Full Pension After 3 Years.
Most of the displaced workers are coming South to pick peas and cotton . They’ll be called Pea Pick’in Cotton Pickers .
Democrats in Congress, spurred by the presidential election of a 47 year politician who never accomplished anything in his career and lacks any real world skills, are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many more Americans.
The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates for the millions of Americans who lack any real skills nor ambition.
“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said current Michigan Senator Gary ‘motorcycle’ Peters. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”
In a Capitol Hill press conference, Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer applauds the Department of Motor Vehicles having an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (73 percent).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most un-remarkable employees.
The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills, or experience, that relate to this job?”
“As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Debbie Stabenow, the senior senator from Michigan.
Mike Knutz, who lost his position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Mich. , due to his inability to remember “righty tighty, lefty loosey” said “This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security.”
With the passage of this bill, Knutz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said NY Represenative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, “As a congresswomen with no abilities or common sense, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities.”
It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, as long as they take up some space in this great nation, a good salary for doing so.”
Amen and A-Women
Biden is helping workers NOW!
#10. Traveling Anal Swabber
So sad to see well paid blue collar jobs get destroyed like this. Guess we can’t have anyone making decent coin without being indoctrinated at a university first.