WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to anonymous sources, the CIA has replaced enhanced interrogation techniques such as waterboarding with something even more torturous and effective: 12-hour academic lectures on intersectional feminism.
“Waterboarding has been shown to be very effective,” said the anonymous source. “But that’s been replaced now. Now we just pop in a tape of Robin DiAngelo, Stacey Abrams, or Joy Behar. Sometimes we’ll really ramp things up and make them watch Coca-Cola’s diversity training on a 12-hour loop.”
Terror suspects will be subjected to lengthy lectures about cis-male privilege, heteronormative patriarchy, and microaggressive mansplaining. Sources say these lectures are 1,282% more effective than regular old waterboarding.
Critics have criticized the new interrogation method, saying that such cruel torture should be limited only to American universities.
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Just 12 hours of CNN would push me over the edge…..actually 12 minutes might do it.
I’ll take the waterboarding.
The Horror!
That’s some seriously cruel shit right there.
“OK OK ENOUGH! Yes I planned to kill them all can I be sent to gitmo now please?”