WILMINGTON, DE—Doctors report that President Biden is recovering well from his bike crash, showing only a few minor scrapes and advanced Alzheimer’s.
“It could have been much worse,” said Dr. John Rosen, Biden’s emergency physician. “His brain is a bowl of pudding, but his legs just have mild abrasions—so we expect him to be right back to his usual self in no time.”
President Biden was taken for evaluation to Sacred Heart Hospital, where he reportedly tried to fight the X-ray machine. “Hey! What do you think you’re looking at, bub?” Biden could be heard shouting as technicians tried to calm him. The President was then escorted to a room in the Emergency Department, where according to staff, he ate an entire roll of IV tubing before requesting an enema.
“The President will need to stay off the bike for a couple days, and also should have his address tattooed on his arm so he doesn’t get lost,” said Dr. Rosen. “Ideally, Mr. Biden should be kept in a circular room where all the doors are locked, for his own safety. Keep him away from any source of open flame, remove access to his bank accounts—oh, and change the bandage on his knee tomorrow.”
At publishing time, aides had brought Biden back to Sacred Heart after he took a nasty spill while attempting to stand still and wave.
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Funny. The funniest part, though, is that he’s actually a tiny bit less dangerous than if Harris took over. Aside from a plane crash taking out Harris, Jake Sullivan, Victoria Nuland and Anthony Blinken, our best hope is probably that Biden keeps riding his bike, crashing repeatedly and shitting himself.
Neither of those clowns decides even so much as what they wear.
The reason he veered off when Jill and the rest turned right on the bike
path was to go investigate a little girl in the crowd.
There is indisputable video of it. After flops over and he’s helped up
by SS, he walks instantly over to the little girl without ever taking his
eyes off her and touches her and begins to talk to her.
Full on pedo. Just ask his daughter.
81 million votes my ass.
Sacred Heart could do better if only they brought in an 8 year old girl to the ER next time the bike guy takes another tumble. He’ll be beyond compliant and putty in their hands-just like what is in his head.
That was so funny, I got up and went outside to tell my husband and then I watered the garden and forgot what I was doing.
Not so funny now.
And all this time I thought that the Babylon Bee was satire.