CHICAGO, IL — After Walmart announced plans to close 4 store locations in dangerous Chicago neighborhoods, Chicago Mayor-Elect Brandon Johnson issued a dire warning that this will leave many Chicagoans with fewer places to shoplift.
“Citizens of this great city have the fundamental right to steal merchandise in their own communities without resorting to traveling to other neighborhoods,” said Johnson at a local protest against the store closings. “If our youths don’t have a safe place to work, shop, shoplift, loot, fight, do drugs, terrorize citizens, and smash windows, they may participate in riskier shoplifting, looting, and drug-consuming in affluent communities where cops will actually bother to arrest them until my Soros-funded DA lets them back out on the street. We can’t let this happen!”
Walmart executives insist the move is nothing personal. “We’re just tired of our cashiers and store greeters getting beaten up and every store losing millions of dollars,” said district manager Darnell Monahan. “We’d prefer our workers not get beaten up and robbed and all that stuff. Sorry!”
At publishing time, civil rights leaders had warned that if Walmart goes through with the move, they will encourage Americans to boycott shoplifting there entirely.
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Funny but they’ll just carjack and come to NWI to shoplift sad but true.
So true…or if not NWI, somewhere else.
I may be getting more gullable,or perhaps it’s just a sign of the times. I was finishing the 2nd paragraph before i realized this was satire.
s
LOL. Me too.
you are entering that Post-Pestilence land of wonder and signs where everything true and not-true, possible and impossible at the same time and both neither. Yes it’s confusing.
Only the dead have seen the end of war.
This shit goes on forever.
The Bee is only stating what Brandon really believes.
Since he was an activist for the Chicago Teachers Union, I wouldn’t put it past him to encourage yet another strike, just so the teenapers could go downtown again when they should be in school.
Maybe Brandon can build a new park
He didn’t say it, but if he did, it wouldn’t be a lie. Let’s go Chicago Brandon.
https://crankers.com/videos/1787/should-american-police-shoot-at-criminals-like-brazilian-cops-do/
Check the crazy eyes on the dindu.
Shitcago went from a mentally ill female faggot mongoloid mayor to Mr.crazy eyes so seamlessly.
The peeps there deserve everything they got coming.
Demon eyes…I’m starting to see the phenomena more and more…the gates are open.
One has to wonder how many weekly deliveries of butthole lube go to his house.
I read one “real” article that said the mayor would mobilize backs to boycott Walmart. What? I don’t think he really understood what he was saying. This would actually be a boon for Walmart to the toon of millions of dollars!
It’s gonna be a lean Christmas at the Evans’ house this year. No new long johns for JJ.
Not such ‘Good Times’ for all in the projects after shoplifting four Walmart Supercenters out of biz.
I wonder how many millions of dollars this Nig is going to embezzle?
6 illegals were shoplifting in Home Despot, Rockland, ME, got pinched.
Store called the cops to give 6 month no trespassing restraining order. Not worth prosecuting.
No speek a da English, local cops called the county sheriff, no speek a da English, called Border Patrol, detained, no charges filed.
2 vans used by said perps disappeared.
Illegals released? No comment.
When the food runs out, this happy band of military aged males will come a knocking.
Pip, pip.
Truth.
I imagine the “looters” won’t be staying on the porch…there will be roadblocks and highway robbery and murder.
and not only in Portland.
when does open season on chimps start in the windy city?