EDINA, MN — Sources at Cesar Chavez Obama George Floyd High School say that public school valedictorian Wyatt Johnson stunned his parents, teachers, and fellow students by reciting the entire English alphabet during his valedictory address last Friday.
Onlookers claim that Johnson began his stunning speech on a philosophical note by reminding his fellow students to stop and smell the roses before shocking everyone with his scholarly prowess and reciting all 26 letters of the alphabet without even looking at his speech notes.
“We don’t see this level of scholarship in our public school these days, but Wyatt is one of those students who just goes above and beyond,” commented Principal Cassandra Brixton. “Ordinarily, we only require our seniors to be able to recognize the letters “L,” “G,” “B,” “T,” “Q,” “I,” “A,” and “+” in order to graduate, but Wyatt put in the work to learn the other, uh, 20 letters of the alphabet as well. We’re so proud of the academic work that he’s accomplished during his time here!”
“Wyatt was, like, on fire, man!” exclaimed Brandon Davis, one of Johnson’s classmates. “He started at A and just kept going and going. He lost me around Q or R, but I guess that’s why he’s valedictorian instead of me.”
At publishing time, sources close to Johnson were claiming that the valedictorian concluded his speech by correctly counting to 41 in addition to listing all 328 genders in order.
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