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By: SAH

Well folks, I haven’t been hanging around here much because after my divorce I decided to jump off the doom ship and join a multinational corporation. I decided to stop hating the 1%, and now have a firm plan to work my way up there over the next 5 years. I abandoned some of my long held values, have put my kids in the care of private school educators, and am now officially “the man of the family.”

I work with mostly Boomers (yet again, with 80 million of them ahead of me, this has been a life long issue). I work my ass off, they mostly glare at me all day long. Why? Because I work at breakneck efficiency to kick their asses at the job we do. Many of them have been cushy in the corporation or similar competitors for 20-30 years or more. They are complacent, and just coasting along on the fact that they raised their children to be dullards and imbeciles who are unemployable. They can be fat, tired, sick, grumpy, and mediocre because that is still better than so many of the brats they raised.

But you know what pisses Boomers the fuck off worse than anything? When a youngster comes in with intelligence, work ethic, health, energy, youth, and bulldog tenacity — and then works circles around them with utter competence. They glare at me all day long because I can spell, write coherently, do math in my head, go above and beyond on every task, come in early, stay late, and my body is still firm and toned with a BMI under 22, and although I am in my mid 30s I appear to be a millennial in my late 20s. They hate my fucking guts because I remind them that they are old…. And I am making them soil their Depends because they fear there are others like me. And there are!

I had an angry post-menopausal Boomer woman at work tell me that 20 years ago she was the immediate supervisor of our big corporate boss, back when he was a fresh faced mid-20s newbie, then she glared at me. This big boss is firmly a GenXer in his mid-40s, but he worked circles around a bunch of Boomers and made the company a whole lot of money and he moved up to be in charge of our entire regional division. In my particular office, the manager is in his 30s, he is my age and the immediate boss to all these Boomers and me. He started out in my position in an office out East, worked his ass off, made the corporation a whole lot of money and transferred in order to get promoted.

Is it possible for Gen Xers and Millennials to succeed? As individuals, hell yes – corporations want youth, tenacity and talent. As a group, probably not, because as a whole group a lot of us are pessimistic lazy fuckers who can’t do basic things or stick to something long enough to succeed. So far, I am finding that businesses want to get as much work out of you and make as much money off of your employment as possible… While spending the least amount on you in benefits. (Fancy that, they are trying to generate profits). When they recruit a rare Gen Xer or Millennial who can kick ass, they are all over us like white on rice, and want to keep you at their company into the future. We don’t have gout, goiters, Hep C, hip replacement surgeries, 55 prescription meds, we need less sick time and less health care, we aren’t vested yet so we don’t get a bunch of matching funds from the company into the old 401k, we came into the company after all the cushy shit the Boomers were promised when they started out. In short, we cost the company less, and if we work our asses off and sacrifice our family and personal time, we can make them a lot more money than tired, sick old farts can. Plus we can help the old Boomers figure out how to use their company iPads and iPhones, and diagnose and fix wifi network problems in the office without having to call India. Corporations WANT us, and would love to ditch the expensive buckets of decay that have occupied the same desks for decades… They just can’t find 10s of millions of us with the basic skills, and more importantly the will, to get in and get busy. But those who do are coveted and courted. I fucking love it. I smile and work my ass off and am as cheerful and helpful around the office as can be – because I know that at least a couple of the Boomers go home and cry and worry about getting canned because I do good work.

I will say to all the other Gen Xers and Millennials who are sick of the Boomer hegemony of America… Go kick their asses. Take their fucking jobs. Out perform them, out produce them, get promoted above them and watch them grimace and drop like flies from combo stress/obesity caused coronaries. It’s amazingly cathartic.