Man Failing To Heed Harsh Lessons Of Past Orders Sonic Bacon Cheeseburger Toaster
BARTLETT, IL—Turning his back on the opportunity to learn from countless erstwhile mistakes, 29-year-old resident Jason Connolly reportedly failed to heed the many harsh lessons of the past Thursday and instead opted to order a Bacon Cheeseburger Toaster from a local Sonic restaurant. “I’ll have the Toaster with extra BBQ sauce, please,” Connolly said in a blatant disregard of history’s cruel but obvious truths, thereby dooming himself to repeat the seemingly endless cycle of misery and pain. “Actually, let’s make that a combo. With a Coke. Thanks.” At press time, in a stark and sobering reminder of the human condition itself, a sweating and visibly uncomfortable Connolly had just begun to comprehend the tangible consequences of his careless ignorance.
Damn, did the Onion just skewer Jeebus, Son of God, and Judge, Stucky?
8 ^[)
I don’t know where that Sonic is, but that photo doesn’t look like Bartlett IL. Maybe Sant Rosa, CA. Doesn’t the Onion check their facts? Jeez, Louise.
https://www.google.com/maps/@38.181684,-122.254175,3a,42.9y,270h,90t/data=!3m4!1e1!3m2!1sC4aqwvIRqikMtI4yE_Y1ZA!2e0!6m1!1e1
Eddie, that Sonic is definitely not in Bartlett, IL.
However, there IS a Sonic in Bartlett, as well as at least 8 others in the Chicago area, with one located in Chicago’s Uptown neighborhood.