Guest Post by Andy Borowitz
SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that he was “horrified” by a New York Times article recounting callous behavior on the part of Amazon executives, company founder Jeff Bezos warned today that any employees found lacking in empathy would be instantly purged.
In an e-mail to all Amazon employees issued late Sunday evening, Bezos said that the company would begin grading its workers on empathy, and that the ten per cent found to be least empathic would be “immediately culled from the herd.”
To achieve this goal, Amazon said that it would introduce a new internal reporting system called EmpathyTrack, which will enable employees to secretly report on their colleagues’ lack of humanity.
The system will allow Amazon employees to grade their co-workers on a scale from a hundred (nicest) to zero (pure evil), resulting in empathy-based data that will be transmitted directly to Bezos.
Then, through a new program called Next Day Purging, any employee found lacking in empathy will be removed from the company within twenty-four hours of Bezos’s termination order.
“We can’t be the greatest retailer in the world unless we are also the kindest,” Bezos wrote in his e-mail. “So my message to all Amazonians is loud and clear: be kind or taste my wrath. Love, Jeff.”
Ah yes……. The corporate mantra lives on
” The floggings will continue – until moral improves!!”
Where’s the onion?
Borowitz is a satirist.
In all seriousness,
Can any of you imagine what it was like even 30 years ago when making a joke about a woman, a black or a fag was perhaps deemed in poor taste but never could have gotten you fired?
I honestly can’t recall when behavior that was “boorish” suddenly became career suicide.
Where is the empathy in firing someone just because someone rats on you? It’s a darn good thing admin does not kick off people for a low EQ, there would be no one left. Lots o neg numbers here.
This article is satire.
“This article is satire.” ……Administrator
Sadly, that had to be explained.
Here is the NYT article that exposes the culture at Amazon:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/16/technology/inside-amazon-wrestling-big-ideas-in-a-bruising-workplace.html?_r=0
What amazes me is why would anyone work there? It’s just a retail fulfillment company that has never had one cent of profit.
Why would someone take a job and work their ass off 10 – 12 hrs/day, seven days a week? Maybe my own business, but not someone else’s business.
It demonstrates that many people are thoughtless, gullible, and in need of approval, to work at such a place.
Amazon is like the airlines.
Both occupy a niche that is very important in the larger scheme.
Both are extremely low margin, crappy business models that have no large-scale alternative.
Neither are worth owning. Lots of important businesses are not worth owning, even as they provide useful services/products and employ lots of talented people.
The fact that AMZN’s stock looks like this is just one more testament to the fact that we’re in the greatest asset mania in recorded history.
[img]http://bigcharts.marketwatch.com/kaavio.Webhost/charts/big.chart?nosettings=1&symb=amzn&uf=0&type=2&size=2&sid=41519&style=320&freq=3&entitlementtoken=0c33378313484ba9b46b8e24ded87dd6&time=20&rand=2042858867&compidx=aaaaa%3a0&ma=5&maval=13&lf=4&lf2=32&lf3=256&height=553&width=579&mocktick=1[/img]
dc: Amazon has no P/E – cause they never had any ‘E’. Same with Linked In and other crappy web businesses.
Thought police, thy name is corporate.
While I know this is satire I wouldn’t be against firing people who lack empathy. I’ve known bosses who were complete kiss asses towards customers and their bosses but treated anybody beneath them with contempt.
Party killers. I can see the Octoberfest in NY is going to be a real kick in the head.
Agreed, Steph…empathy would be a nice trait in a CEO. The issue of course would be in the implementation of “policy.” If a corporation (or esp. the goobermint) every actually tried something like this it would inevitably be through something like “EmpathyTrack.” In short order, such a program would have results comparable with a couple of decades of Equal Opportunity Employment…a perfect example how good intentions lead to disastrous results.
DRUD- I wonder if it would take care of most HR complaints and “sensitivity” issues. I would not be opposed to empathy/humanity evaluations for management positions. But I suspect this would get too PC and out of hand quickly. It is unfortunate because I’ve worked for people would did lack empathy and it causes disgruntled employees. I think empathy from bosses would curb apathy from employees.
I wish Amazon and the Post Office would replace the guys that stomp on my order for fun, as it makes its way to me. At least, that is what I’m presuming happens, based on the appearance of the boxes when they arrive.
Steph – Of course it would get out of hand…and quickly. Empathy is a great thing in a manager and it would most definitely work to mitigate (but never eliminate) worker apathy….but it must be GENUINE. Empathy, just like aspect of character, can never be mandated. No policy ever enacted has ever created anything genuine. At best, policies make people play nice for a while…but usually they tend to have the exact opposite effect as intended.
My belief is when people are free to act like asshats, they mostly act well, when people are forced to act well, they mostly act like asshats.
The EMP will be the great purge of all these ridiculous Internet ponzi schemes. No internet, or logistic support = no Amazon, or stock market for that matter. If you can’t touch it, you don’t own it. Even if you can touch it, you better be able to defend it.
Fuck ‘sensitivity’ – wimp assholes