Waiting For The Worms

Guest Post by Rob in Nova Scotia

In the spring of 1992 I started work for a criminal enterprise. I wouldn’t realize this until much later. Years in fact. I’m not going to bother rehashing my story. Telling it again will, I think, cause people to divert from the point I am trying make. Rather than focusing on the substance of what I have to say it has been my experience that people will take pity on me. But I will post a link to it below for those who feel an interest in exploring it further. I would ask that you read this first before going to the link.

I am going to jump around a bit chronologically. The reason I will do this is because that I have realized after many years that this is how my brain works.

As I said before in April 1992 I started working for a criminal enterprise. Happy to have a job. I spent the first couple of weeks keeping my head down and trying to get my bearings. Learning my job. My Tasks. I was 26 years old and green as the grass. Previous to me getting hired another man, about the same age as me was taken on board this ship as well. Our lives wouldn’t intersect until May 6th. On that day two very young men would unwittingly play God with the lives of others.

For me it would end up being a phone call and a conversation I didn’t have at the end of day. I have over the years tried to reconcile my actions. Using ignorance and Not my department to justify what I did. I can’t speak for the other man because the last time I spoke to him was on the phone at 10 o’clock in the morning on sixth. He played God too though. He decided to ignore what I had to say. Some years later at an Inquiry he was called to testify. Under oath he lied.

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Portion of Transcript Day 76

This happened on July 11th 1996. Two days after my 31 first birthday. Later in his testimony he proceeded to throw under the bus in both a literal and very real way. From day forward the paths of our lives diverged once again.

Where to turn when one is thinking like this. A path of self destruction I suppose can be logically presumed after something like this happens. So it went. I should have stood up at time and defended myself. But I was God again. This time with myself. My marriage had dissolved and I was staring into an abyss. But I stared the Black Dogs down even though my life had pretty much gone off the rails. I was however a very angry man.

I would find out how angry two years later. Again playing God. This time it was a fight outside a bar. It didn’t even start out involving me. Much like some of the discussion here on TBP. It was friend and some guy I didn’t know arguing at 2 in the morning. We stood around for a while watching the two trade insults. At some point I got fed up with what was going on and started hurling insults at both of them. The man I didn’t know didn’t like what I had to say. And when I wasn’t paying attention he did a bum rush on me. Next thing I knew I was on the ground. Him on top. Things were not looking good but he made what could have been a fatal mistake. He opened his mouth to talk trash. To which I reached up with my hand. Grabbed him by the jaw. Hand in mouth with a death grip I yanked as hard as I could. Stunning him for a second. I managed to extract myself from the situation. Then proceeded to start bashing his head into pavement. I stopped. Shocked at what i was doing. Walked away before anything bad could happen.

The following year I would be God again. This time it was a car accident. Not my fault but I was driving a truck when a man decided unexpectedly to pull u-turn right in front of me. I hit him broadside. Running to his car I arrived just in time for him to look at me then slump over in seat. He died in hospital 5 weeks later.

I tell this story not because I want sympathy or understanding but because I have seen life’s whims up close and personal. I will end this chapter, if you will, saying that 1990’s ended with me lost.

Stop

The year 2000 looking back now was a pivotal year. In the spring of that year my Grand Mother passed away at 90. Always a shining light in my life she left this world loved by many. Including me. Her spirit still guides me today. In the fall of that year I decided to go back to school. Hard to fathom now but I entered school disconnected from the world of webs. Soon I was transfixed. It was the sheer volume of information available. Overwhelming in many ways.

To which I dove in. Never one to do half measures I found deepest parts of pool to wade. Not surprising though. When I was young my Mom and dad bought Encyclopedias. World Books in fact. I spent the next few years reading them. A to Z. Cover to cover.

I had already forgotten more than I knew but decided to embark on this new enterprise not realizing how far down the worm hole I would go. The problem wasn’t the sheer quantity of information but the amount of bad information shaded as fact. But I would not realize this for a while. This information didn’t result in an enlightenment it would in fact lead to a deconstruction of all I held close and dear.

The Trial

I watched the 9/11 attacks live on TV in my classroom. Shocked at what I saw it shook me to my core. This event sent me even further into the wormhole. But even then I had a voice telling me that I should use my third eye to peer at my life. Some two years later I met my future wife. Always a light she has shone guiding me back somewhat from where I was.

But still I searched checking out links to this and to that. So much to ponder. Now some have accused me of being not quite right. It is after many years of thought by me a charge to which I would have to say there is some truth. That being said I will state that I am no fool. In high school I scored in the 92nd percentile on tests that I purposely made mistakes on. But I am on a spectrum I suppose. My wife was married to me for 6 years or so before she even noticed. I’m saying this because I do see the world differently.

I don’t know what it year it was maybe 2008 or 2009 but I found the blog. The Burning Platform. Like a moth to a light I was drawn. First and foremost because I thought it was a place to connect with conspiracies and like minded people. But a funny thing happened after I sat and watched the ongoing debates and about this and that. It ended up a surprise. But rather than journeying further down I began regain my love of rhetoric. My brain reignited not by skepticism but love of facts and absolutes. I had regained my footing in this world.

So here I am.

Outside The Wall

I can’t punch cows and shit rainbows.

There are people with all the answers and people with all the questions. Then there are people with both. Those people are dangerous. They will be the prophets in this 4th turning but I am no Prophet. I have come to realization that it is easy to look away from me. To discount my voice. But I am fine with that. I started writing not for the masses but for that one person where ever they may be who can relate to my life experience. Maybe I can help that one person staring into the abyss to step back from the edge.

Take a deep breath, enjoy life again and

Tear down the wall.

Link to my article

http://www.naturalresourcesmagazine.net/?article=closure