Oh, boy! The Brexit (stupid name) passed and the world is imploding. Duck and Cover!
A few weeks ago Admin published a piece by Micheal Snyder about Millennials not getting married. The results are in and my generation either refuses to grow up or don’t have the tools to be mature adults in their 20’s and 30’s.
I wrote a tidbit of knowledge to pass on to my age group considering our love lives are stereotyped as hook ups, casual flings, and friends with benefits.
But the lack of self-worth and epiphany of being a placeholder in life can be a good truth bomb to other areas in life.
By: Stephanie Shepard
I am baffled by the logic of girls with low self-esteem who think being the “female best friend” is a special prized position in a man’s life.
No, honey. You’re a placeholder, a filler, a distraction; you’re working a temp position hoping one day you’ll be hired full time to prove you’re not replaceable.
In the meantime, you’re a confidence builder and an ego boost on tap. You’re job is to prove that he’s not a mess. You’re only in his life to reassure him that he’s not a bad guy and to distract him from gaining any self-awareness.
He’ll run to you as long as you’re willing to tell him what he wants to believe. He’s complex, he’s misunderstood, he’s special, he’s unique, he’s a mystery.
After you’ve given him a free ego stroke and he gets a God complex, he’ll start looking for his next adventure and romance.
He’ll still run to you after he’s met someone new. You’ll be there for him when he’s unsure of himself or when he’s confused about female behavior.
This will keep you invested and feeling important. You’ll still feel valuable being in his “inner circle” and having insider knowledge.
But one day the woman with self-worth and confidence will want all of his attention. She’ll be the one who exclusively owns the rights to reassure and love him.
She’ll grow tire of the “female best friend” and force him to make a decision. No woman with self-worth will want his past clinging to his bum like a dingle berry that follows him around wherever he goes.
He’ll eventually take a squat and poop out the “friendship” and wipe his back paws before he scampers away. That lovely pasture you let him roam free in will no longer be what he wants.
He wants go play on the greener grass in the smaller yard. Don’t worry, he’ll still be well fed and have his belly rubbed.
He’s just under “new management” now. You’ve been given you’re pink slip for a more efficient workforce. After all, they’ve got to keep down labor costs for the diamond ring and mortgage down payment.
A man can be a complete scoundrel to a woman who allows it.
Suddenly it’ll hit you like a freight train. The friendship was always one-sided and an illusion. You’ll feel indignant and blame her for ruining the friendship.
How can he do this to you? You’ll try to reassure yourself that it was a mistake and he doesn’t know what he wants.
She’s a voodoo woman who cast a spell over him. She’s using him and he doesn’t see it. She doesn’t love him, not like you did. Her strings attached love is inferior to your unconditional love.
You’ll try to convince him just like his Mama always said, “Vicki Vallencourt is the devil!” But Mama was wrong…
You’ll tell yourself, “he doesn’t know how to recognize a good woman when she’s right in front of him” and “nobody will treat him as good as you did.”
Cliches exist for a reason…
You’ll want to believe he’ll regret letting you go. You’re complex, you’re misunderstood, you’re special, you’re unique, you’re a mystery. But when reality strikes you’ll know you’re forgettable.
You’ll try to make sense out of his nonsense.
One day there will be a silver lining and sliver of hope. A sudden epiphany will happen while you’re stuffing your face with comfort food and looking towards Hollywood romantic comedies for truth.
Arthur Abbott: “So, he’s a schmuck.”
Iris: ” As a matter of fact, he is… a huge schmuck. How did you know”
Arthur Abbott: “He let you go… This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.”
Iris: ” You’re so right. You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god’s sake! Arthur, I’ve been going to a therapist for three years, and she’s never explained anything to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.”
Author’s Note: The gender roles can easily be switched. Men can have low self-esteem a la Off Spring style while women can be complete scoundrels, too.
and yet most women can’t see that all they ever were is (Short Term Recreational ~ Versus Long Term Committed)
Oh, I thought I’d mention to anyone who hasn’t seen this movie the scene written above was one of Eli Wallache’s last movies. What a brilliant actor.
What a hilarious article. This woman has her head up her ass. Most men these days have no interest whatsoever in these so-called “self-confident” women, whose only real goal is to rope a man into marriage, so she can divorce him, pauperize him and take his kids. Screw ém and leave ém, unless you find a REALLY special snowflake. Have no regrets, no remorse. Women should kneel down and perform in gratitude for whatever men chose to give them. If you have any other attitude you are going to end up chained to a Triggly Puff for the rest of your life.
“Screw ém and leave ém, unless you find a REALLY special snowflake.”
Head up my ass? Your quote was the entire point of the article.
” Have no regrets, no remorse.”
Also, another point of the article. Women who allow themselves to be treated poorly will be treated poorly. Too many people want to blame the people in their lives who disrespect them. People don’t stand up for themselves anymore.
Self-worth is an attribute of a person who is feels worthy. A person who feels worthy isn’t going to put up with being mistreated.
one minor quip,
“Self-worth is an attribute of a person who feels worthy”
I’d add
…and are actually worthy.
there are too many people who think it but are nothing but piles of talking dogshit or utter creampuffs.
And Southern Sage,
I wouldn’t use the term snowflake, I prefer the term unicorn.
Harry P.
I tried to distinguish that with using self-esteem. Self-esteem was just a feel good initiative movement. It didn’t hold people accountable for their actions or have a sense of morals regarding the treatment of other people.
But being worthy is also important. Many demand respect while not being respective. It doesn’t make them worthy, it makes them a hypocrite.
i see what you are saying.
people need to instill in themselves a desire for self-worth and then achievement. people were under the delusion that if you gift some people achievement, their “confidence” will grow and then they are prepared to achieve real success. but the inverse happened, most simply expected the easy victories to keep piling up forever.
one of the saddest things is people who demand safe spaces and for others to accept them. they are actually thinking of “respect” it tells me they see self-worth and self-esteem as something external, received from someone or some group as if it is some commodity.
Those people might be the most lost and worthless souls in existence.
Modern children are robbed of self-esteem by those who supposedly try to give it to them. Both the robbery and the supposed gift are in error.
You EARN self-esteem, the same way you earn confidence and competence – you DO things and SUCCEED at them. (You can learn MORE from failure, but you have to be willing to LEARN). In school these days, the goal is to make EVERYONE feel special (“participation awards”) while keeping everyone EQUAL. This is impossible! If you’re equal you’re not special, and if you’re special you’re not equal! Is that so hard to understand? And while a kid might be briefly jealous (I certainly was) when someone else comes in first in the race, the band tryouts or the student council election or whatever, THEY LEARN AND GET OVER IT. They learn they can lose, and how to lose gracefully; they learn that everyone won’t win. THEN THEY ARE MOTIVATED TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME. Today, no one wins and no one loses: then all feel cheated, playing a game with no goal and no reward.
I am sorry for your generation, Steph, you have been cheated by elders who should have known better. The dumbing down by the educational system is nearly complete, because the system itself hands out worthless diplomas and degrees, and even the children are coming around to see this. Perhaps values and harder challenges will return to the educational system, perhaps not, hard to say just now.
But harder challenges and values have never left reality, and that is the ultimate teacher, and the inevitable one. Hang in there, the real tests have hardly begun.
I enjoyed reading this article, it was a good point of view.
It seems like this article’s intention is that men and woman can not be friends, they can only co-exist in exclusive relationships.
Sure, you can be friends for a while, but eventually, and this is true of both sexes, the friendship moves into what I would term, “usefulness”.
Adults maintain friendships because there is some value, some useful purpose, but if the purpose is only because one is needy, (needs attention, needs validation) then there is no value for the other side.
we are born alone, we die alone, and there ain’t no use complaining during the middle.
Eventually you will find out who are your real friends, and who are the dingle berries. The clingons always reveal themselves.
Harry P ,what do you know about women ? You were a virgin when you got married. Now you’re a slave. Soon to be divorced and left in Financial ruin.
so you’re not a virgin? i didn’t realize having a cat lick peanut butter off your balls constituted sex.
far from it, i found my unicorn and we are very happy.
don’t worry about me, you get to wasting all our money with pointless medical care you have shystered away from us via govt.
lol
Self esteem …….. two words I NEVER heard growing up.
Self esteem …… two words I wish I would never hear again.
Other than that minor quibble, nice article, Steph! You’ve come a long way, baby ….
Stucky- I can imagine if your parents heard you say “my self-esteem” growing up they’d whack you upside the head until you earn the right to not be an idiot.
My elders are the Boomer and Xers. They didn’t endure the hardship your WW2 parents survived.
it’s so sad, like all the women are afraid to stand up for themselves because then somebody might not like them, even to the point of wanting to be buddies with their children when in fact the kids are desperate for real guidelines with consequences. When I raised my own and they rebelled and whined about how unfair I was, I calmly said they could thank me later and that they were behaving exactly as they should for the age that they were. When I was dating after the divorce I never had any problems because I said up front I don’t want to get remarried and I’m not going to sleep with you no matter how much you beg me. Now that I am old I don’t take shit from anyone and have no problem demanding respect. Ladies, the first NO is the hardest, but it gets easier..
Great article Steph and an excellent summation of the reality of relationships between men and women.
My wife – with whom I was friends with through family for many years before we started dating once told me that she would never have considered dating me or spending “alone time” together as “best friends” until I was in my early twenties. Apparently – up until that point – I was too immature and full of myself (a rumor started by other women no doubt!). She always remained cordial and had an open ear for a coffee but would never let things go further than that until I had my fill of other women and came to my senses. Once I grew up a bit she “allowed” me to get closer. “Friendships” with other women were hence forth terminated. Why would I need them? They were always for the purpose which you outlined above so there was no longer any point.
20 years later _she_ is my best friend and conducts herself with the same dignity now that she did then. My grandmother is an old school middle class English woman. She used to tell us that some girls were for dating and some were for marrying. Summary: some girls have self respect and some do not. Better to marry the ones that do. Any woman who thinks men can’t tell the difference is fooling herself.
Steph, you’ve got a lot more going on in that head of yours than many of your tribe. I know because I have kids your age and they’re, how can I put it, a “challenge”.
But I can just hear my Dad’s response to some of the rot and self-reflective angst your generation is living through….having been a hard-working Man most of his life, sometimes for just a Dollar a day working in the fields, he would have carefully listened and said, “Stop whining”.
Just a thought.
“Steph, you’ve got a lot more going on in that head of yours than many of your tribe. I know because I have kids your age and they’re, how can I put it, a “challenge”.”
I’m not sure if you were on TBP 3 years ago when I posted my first article, but I was as you put it, a challenge. I took so much crap from people about my writing (but hey, my teachers always told me I was a good writer) until I developed a complex about it.
I became soooo obsessive about becoming a better writer so I wouldn’t have grammar Nazi critics. Now, 3 years later and this is the very first article where nobody has pointed out a typo and my point was eloquently written. As long as we discount the self-worth vs. self-esteem vs. self-confidence because everybody has a different definition.
I didn’t get a real test in life of “winner or loser” until I started posting my writing for public scrutiny. Very few in my age group are being challenged.
Just to be a dick, as it were, but it’s “your”, not “you’re” and “respectable”, not “respective”.
But great piece!
I don’t care about typos in the comment section (respective). I have a tighter editing phase for my articles. Which “your” are you referring? I am pretty sure I used your and you’re (you are) correctly.
@Steph: Great article and Francis Marion (above) hit it right on the head.. The Summary is what that’s important.
In Muck’s humble opinion, that article should have been sent to a “youth” magazine of which there are a bunch (see the Writer’s Market at your local library). With one typo correction, I suspect it would have been prime publishing material!! And TBP gets it first!
@FM: Nice life story and the summary was spot on. I’ve told my tale on here before so no boring repeat from Muck – except that we celebrated our 59th anniversary this year….. I can only wish readers of Stephanie’s tale half the happiness I’ve enjoyed over the past half century plus!
Muck
Muck – don’t forget @ 60 she get’s a Platinum medal!! My grandparents are now into their 70th. Unfortunately, due to health issues this may very well be their last. Cycle of life baby…
WOW Muck,
congratulations to you and the Mrs.
Suzanna
And yes, to answer your question. I’ve been a professional writer (part time) since 1970. And you will be too if you don’t get too obsessed with piddley little things and let the talent flow..
You’ve got it.. Use it..
Muck
The Women’s Lib movement (bowel jokes aside) was the equivalent of discovering fire for them; An important and useful tool that can also have devastating consequences for themselves, their families, and society in general when not properly controlled. By the time the current women of child-bearing age have raised another generation of daughters, they will mostly be standing in a desolate, burnt landscape wondering why men quit the narrative they had imposed.
And yes, modern American men are too often selfish, immature assholes. It’s the manifestation of them ‘quitting the narrative’.
One more thing that women need to know that their therapists don’t tell them; You will never be fully loved and respected by your husband when you take part in the hook-up culture during your youth. Fair? No. Fact? Yes.
Nice article Clammy! It’s not the kind of topic I typically read but your writing is improving. You’re right of course. I’d hate to be looking for a mate these days. To top it off I just read that minority babies now outnumber white babies in the USA. I sincerely doubt that I’d bother looking for a mate if I were a millenial today. Why bother? A mate should be someone who compliments both your strengths and weaknesses. So many young couples I see today seem to be in a competition with each other.
Thanks for the Eli Wallach clip. He was a great actor. There was so much of Tuco in that clip and I just watched The Good, The Bad and The Ugly this week!
Okay Steph…here you go. 🙂 “You’re job”. Probably should have read “your job”.
That was the only one. I think. 🙂
About relationships in general and opposite sex ‘friendships’ in particular, My Dad used to say, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”? (It was a warning to my sister, I think). I agree with you that young people need to be challenged more, and would add even be allowed to fail once in awhile. I am sure most of the older posters here have failed a few times, and have learned from every experience.
My best friend in high school had a Scottish mother, a real hardnosed drunk if the truth be known. If he came home from school to find her drunk, there would be no supper. (Often). If she was sober, there would probably be cookies. One day she said in her marble-mouthed brogue, “ahhye Mikey, you don’t have to worry about feelings of rejection around here. You’re fucking rejected…let’s just get it over with, laddie”. Mike grew up to be a real success and a terrific father. He is a great guy. This is an extreme example, but I think our hot house millenials would have benefited with a few less participation ribbons and more direct talk.
A few years ago I was helping my son renovate his house. (My background was construction and we worked pretty goddamn hard if we wanted to keep a job. That was back in the ’70s. In fact, it seemed like our personal goals were making sure we worked harder than the next guy. Today, they call it ‘old school’.) Anyway, one day my son and I were laying tile. I had mixed up a big batch of thinset and was flying at it to get it done while we could still work it; before it started to set. He, and his girlfriend, took exception to my manner as I was hustling and expected them to really pick up their pace. After another “Come on, come on, I need more tiles”, they started to revolt. I finally said to them, “Let’s just get the tile laid and we can talk about our feelings, later”. Were they ever mad, but now years later that statement is pretty funny for all of us. I also think it indicates the difference between many Millenials and older generations. For us, feelings were something you put behind you in order to get done what was required; be it duty, your job, family responsibilities, whatever.
What Millenials will have to learn is that in life no one cares about your feelings. In fact, other than family and friends, no one really gives a shit about you one way or another. It’s tough out there.
I enjoy your writing, keep posting.
Excuse me, but men in America today – especially white men – are considered the lowest form of life. We are sick of the constant barrage of feminist bullshit (I have zero tolerance for feminists and feminism – I consider it a Marxist mental illness), the discrmination, the absurd coddling of women who apparently can do no wrong, the lies about the competence and “leadership” skills of women, pregnant ghetto trash in military uniforms waddling around like Sgt. Rock and so on and so forth. Get back in the damn kitchen and raise the kids. If it were not for women Obama would not be in the White House and there would not be a liberal in Congress. Any woman who comes on with this self-esteem crap should be kicked to the curb. Women are what makes life worth living for a man, but only if they are the loving, gentle women they were meant to be.
And the men need to hold up their end of the bargain as well: support your wife and children, build something worth having with them, and lead with optimism, competence, cooperation and compromise (when it’s that important to her, it should be that important to YOU).
Any idiot can destroy, but it takes a real man (and / or woman) to build and build well, whether it’s a business, a family or a future.
Spot on James.
Been my observation that men don’t want women as “friends”. Most men I talk to find most women’s conversations extremely boring.
“You’ve been given you’re pink slip”
your pink slip
” If it were not for women Obama would not be in the White House and there would not be a liberal in Congress.”
Wait a minute. Do you actually think that there’s somebody counting votes and the one with the most votes wins? ahaha. That’s funny as shit, sausage.
“I am pretty sure I used your and you’re (you are) correctly.”
No, not in this case:
“You’ve been given you’re pink slip ”
You used the contraction for ‘ you are’ instead of the possessive pronoun ‘your’. Remember that an apostraphe holds the place of omitted letters in a contraction. Try writing out You Are instead of You’re for awhile. When you fall into the habit of misusing a word, give that word a rest until you break the habit.
I know the grammatical difference. The human brain has a funny way of auto-correcting typos. And using contradictions is also a bad writing habit. William Zissner (author of ‘On Writing Well’) called contradictions “writing clutter”.
“William Zissner (author of ‘On Writing Well’) called contradictions “writing clutter”.
To that I would say “it all depends”. Probably true if one is writing formally — such as a business letter. But, what if you’re writing a novel? I’ll bet Mark Twain would cry “bullshit!!”.
Much also depends on your writing “style”. I prefer to write informally … meaning, as if I am talking to you face-to-face. Is that wrong? I don’t think so.
And a “style”, once acquired, is pretty damn hard to change. Can you change your fingerprint? For example, I once posted here under FBD (Former Big Dog). I fooled almost no one as my “style” gave me away in no time at all.
So, fuck the “rules”, I say!! There are soooo many of them. Who has the time to become familiar with them all? At the end of the day you’ll just wind up sounding like a robot.
Since everyone is keen on giving advice, let me jump in —– in terms of style, just BE YOURSELF. People really sense and enjoy genuineness more than anything else. And, Clammy, you ARE the real thing. Keep up the good work.
SS,
Your writing is just fine, no worries.
We need to proof read the hell out of any writing though.
Your point may be that some women are doormats.
When we were “kids” the anonymous FXXX was a badge
of honor and it was “free love” for everyone. I hated that
and simply refused. No stranger or “friend” was going to
be mauling me. I always had a boyfriend, and I liked the
bad boys. There were times I was the only woman present,
in a group of men. I kept my mouth shut and observed men
being men with men. Know what? Men are way different than
women. No way do they ever find “friendship” or our endless
prattle interesting. Men want a woman other men like
having around…and a woman with self-respect. Forget the
“self-esteem” part, go for intelligence and self respect. And,
lol, wear pretty clothes and don’t be a fatty or a blabber mouth.
Thanks for the insightful writing.
Suzanna
It was very well done. As for the Your, You’re, and urine all over the place, shit happens.
I once published an article about WWII and no one noticed until final redlines that I had called FDR “Teddy” in three places.
I felt like an idiot but it was a case of the “auto correct” in my brain refusing to see that I was referring to the wrong president.
It was an excellent article. I think it would be very well received in youth magazine circles. IF there is such a thing any longer?
Do you use Writer’s Market? Is that still a publication that is available?
Contractions, dear.
Lol, brain auto-correct. And contradictions are bad writing habits too.
Yes, you’re right. My own bad writing habits keep me from even trying anymore. Doing my own proofreading has worked about as well as representing myself in court, too.
Proof-reading your own stuff is tough. My rule of thumb is as follows: I finish the article. I read it three times a day for about three days (morning, noon, night). This helps me to catch things as I’ve walked away for periods of time. I’ll then let it sit for a day and won’t look at it at all. Then I correct the evening before I send it off for posting. It’s not perfect but sometimes a bit of distance provides perspective. Truthfully, this was one of your best and since we don’t have editors working for us a mistake or two or three can be forgiven. Keep writing. I like your style.
Leave Clammy alone!
I’ve been on the Clammy train ever since she revealed (it was an epiphany) that women are indeed the conniving bitches of I Love Lucy.
Once you get that through your head, you are no longer confused by women.
And yes, we only pretend to like your prattle in order to get into your pants.
WTF do I care about the strange noise that woke you up in the middle of the night and how it led to some wild adventure where you called all your women friends and then finally a stupid sap came over to chase the stray cat away? Bird brain.
I missed the chance to rhyme Stephanie and Epiphany because of my stupid insistence in calling her Clammy.
The revelation from Clammy was like a triple whammy.
I really liked that movie, especially Jack Black.
Steph, my millennial babe, long time no see. Is this what happened to you? Love is difficult. Women are verbal and tend to dwell on what a guy says. The secret is watching what he does and not what he says if you want the real skinny on a guy.
My daughter once said, “Men! They’re so unfinished.” How true.
http://blog.dictionary.com/apostrophes-101/
My daughter once said, “Dad, have some candy, it makes you happy!” How true.
One thing I learned about women and it was long in coming was that women are desperate for a relationship and I think that impairs their judgment.
It’s been said that men give a relationship for sex and women give sex for a relationship. Some how that works out as this rock has 7 billion people on it and it wasn’t the ‘good fairy’ that was responsible for it.
Full Retard–is you’re apostrophe link “C’est pour moi”? Contractions use apostrophes, but I use them when ever I see fit. I’m not hung up on the ‘Harbrace Handbook’.
Steph, you rite just fine for me. Keep up the good work. I’m more interested in what you say than how you say it.
jamesthewander–So true. Self esteem that is conferred upon you can be taken away and you really aren’t sure you really deserved it. Self esteem that you earn through you’re achievements can’t be taken from you. Look for validation in your achievements and in being a helpful person to others and live in the knowledge that you are a child of the living God and believe it.
This autobiographical skit could have been expounded on to include the full cast of male characters or the rage that is festering due to being ‘dumped’. When a piece reads of bitterness and resentment, the reader is left wondering how a Millennial can handle those tender emotions…
When writing about life lessons to try and rationalize ‘the wrongs’, the points come across stronger when there are more hand-wringing examples. Doing so keeps the reader engaged, possibly sympathetic (because this is the true reason for such a piece).
The clips from other movies were mere trivialities — distractions — and they belong to someone else. What would have been better was to have written in first person, describing in better detail about what it was like to be kicked to the curb. Millennials get no special pass on this — the male-female relationship issues are as old as time. Things didn’t get complicated just-for-Millennials.
I was a technical writer/editor for a big military industrial complex giant for a while and my “manager” was a woman who never met a comma she didn’t like.
She would insert commas everywhere a prepositional phrase would allow them. Sometimes, an entire “book” would come back to me with hundreds of tabs marking where I needed to insert commas. It was a control freak thing… she didn’t like the fact that I’d been an aircrew member working on the equipment for a decade, then gone and gotten myself edumacated so I could write good
I was her nemesis because she was an anal retentive wordsmithing bitch who didn’t understand a thing about the equipment we were describing and were supposed to be writing instructional material about. We had a really ugly catfight over the word “cannot” one day that was epic and became the office joke about me. When she insisted that every single time I used the term can not (with a space), it needed to be cannot (without a space), I made a poster sized sign with the Merriam Webster definition of cannot to hang over my desk.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cannot
She was a really pathetic woman who had nothing to live for except her commas, semicolons and cannot. I felt really bad about despising her so badly when she got cancer and died.
Your reply made me smile …. cuz I have NEVER quite figured out where the fuck to put a comma. Really.
That why I use a lot of this ” … ” and, this ” — “.
Commas eat shit … —
A comma is suppose to be placed anywhere the reader would pause will reading aloud. Comma=pause of breathe. Personally, I prefer to use commas as little as possible. I do like semi colons. They make me feel fancy.
Although, my coworkers treated me a lot nicer because they were a little worried about getting cancer.
“nobody will treat him as good as you did.”
“nobody will treat him as well as you did.”
the adverb (not adjective) answers the question – ‘how’ did you treat him?
Very nice job SS…you’re tough, resilient and you write well.
The problem I have living with a woman is that I am constantly being ‘micro managed’. But…she’s a good women and has very admirable qualities that balance me out.
She has a sense of right and wrong and it seems that I’m always doing it wrong, but it works for me, I say.
“Why can’t a woman be more like a man!”–Rex Harrison in “My Fair Lady.
Homes, that camping video I posted once described the need to go camping due to the wife, the kids, the job or a horrible combination of the three. I have that situation in the beautiful blonde. A childish cunt who is also a hovering harridan and micromanaging mom.
I use that as an excuse to tear into folks here. What are friends for?