An Informal, Anti-fake News, Counterfactual, Reality-optional Biography of President Donald Trump, a.k.a. “Wayne Newton”

Guest Post by Jim Kunstler

And so it happened years ago on the Trump family’s annual Christmas pilgrimage to Paraguay that Papa Fred and Mama Mary Anne fell in socially with the circle around Klaus Furtwänkler, Waffen-SS Gruppenführer (ret.) in the little resort village of Nueva Bavaria. The former commandant of the Flossenbürg work camp (granite quarries) introduced young Donald to the song “Danke Schoen” popularized by the vocalist Eva Braun at the 1936 Berlin Olympics.

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Since earliest childhood, with his love for the “spotlight,” Donald had entertained the family with renditions of Disney’s beloved hits, “Zip-a-dee-doo-dah,” “When I See an Elephant Fly,” and “Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee (an Actor’s Life for Me).” The next evening, on Furtwänkler’s 3,000-hectare estancia, before an audience of fifty “special guests” at the Heiliger Abend buffet (Arapaima snapper with red cabbage and potato salad), Donald performed “Danke Schoen” to wild applause, propelling him into a career in show business. Not a few of the frauleins present fainted.

To protect Papa’s real estate business interests in Queens, New York, Donald adopted the professional name “Wayne Newton” and was withdrawn from military school to perform on the county fair circuit across the states that would later self- identify by the color “red” — but which, given our adversarial relations with the USSR at the time, styled themselves red, white, and blue. Six month’s later, “Wayne” caught the eye of Las Vegas promoter Sal “Cukarach” Vaselino while playing the Refrigeration Engineers annual meet-up at the Sands Hotel, and then after a six-week smash engagement at the Golden Nugget in 1963, “Wayne” was inducted into the notorious Frank Sinatra / Dean Martin Rat-pack as its first underage member. (Rat-pack consigliere Peter Lawford introduced the talented lad to the concept of “sloppy seconds”).

“Wayne’s” membership in the Rat-pack was terminated in 1968 when he was photographed glad-handing Republican party nominee Richard Nixon after a speech to the National Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers Annual Defending Sex Crimes Conference. The years following that incident were his self-styled “lost-in-the-wilderness” period. The first of several bankruptcies forced him to live in an abandoned Paiute Indian sweat lodge on the USAF Tonopah Arms Range where prankish pilots sometimes strafed his rude habitation. There, in solitude and squalor, he reinvented his Vegas nightclub career as a ventriloquism act, performing “duets” of the old Disney favorites with his puppet sidekick Jules the Singing Jackrabbit. He debuted the new shtick at the National Cement producer’s World of Concrete show, where he met the showgirl and adventuress, Georgina “Chesty” de la Croix. Their nine-day marriage led to his second bankruptcy.

Broke again, and needing to avoid the Vietnam War draft, “Wayne” (Donald) moved into the Las Vegas palace of fellow Ed Sullivan Show alum Lee Liberace — though he claimed “rent paid” for his lodgings there on his 1968 – 1975 IRS filings, maintaining the polite fiction that he was merely “a room-mate.” The relationship ended when “Wayne” drove Liberace’s ivory-and-ebony inlaid Bentley T-1 into Lake Mead after a week of heavy ayahuasca intoxication. Extensive rehab followed, along with plastic surgery that restored the frontal and vertex regions of his scalp so grievously injured in the Bentley crash. The result is the now-renowned “golden helmet” of hair associated with the White House “star.” But we get ahead of ourselves.

Back on the convention circuit with Jules the Singing Jackrabbit, Wayne played the 1983 National Realtors Association Pump-and-Dump Expo and was influenced to get his first real estate license. “Why pay for milk when you can own the cash cow,” keynote speaker Ivan Boesky advised “Wayne,” prompting him to return to his New York City “roots” and resume his identity as “The Donald,” son of “The Fred” Trump. A carefully orchestrated life of public appearances at Gotham charity events and a lavish wedding to model Ivana Zelníková reestablished Donald Trump as a fixture on the glittering Manhattan scene — meanwhile, a Greyhound Bus mechanic and aspiring country crooner named Bud Gorch, a “dead-ringer” look-alike for the erstwhile “Wayne Newton,” was recruited by the Trump Organization to impersonate the once-again in-demand Las Vegas star. Gorch-as-Wayne successfully premiered his new act at National Colorectal Surgeons Association Chron’s and Colitis Congress and the “great switch” was achieved. The rest, as they say, is history!