Shocking New Study Shows That the Cure for Racism Is Global Warming

Via IMAO

The key to racial harmony? Unbearable tropical heat

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – Democrat politicians and liberal activists alike were shocked and dismayed by the release of a new study showing that the only way to end racism in America – and, indeed, in the entire world – is by increasing the rate at which global temperature increases.

Seth Brundle, a brilliant but eccentric climate scientist, issued his findings after years of research into both racism and climate change. He said that “no one was more surprised than I” to find a direct connection between the two phenomenon.

“My eureka moment,” Brundle said, “was when I was listening to my grandparents prattle on about the civil rights protests in the 60s and about those ‘long hot summers’. Well, out of either boredom or curiosity, I looked at some global temperature charts and discovered that there was a definite temperature spike in 1964, the year the Civil Rights Act was passed. I dismissed it as coincidence, but it stayed in my head like a Mentos jingle.”

“Eventually,” continued Brundle, “I checked other dates in civil rights history, and every time, there was a spike. Brown v. Board of Education – spike. Rosa Parks sits in the front of the bus – spike. Obama elected President – half a spike. The connection was undeniable.”

Stathis Borans, a climate scientist who is 97% certain that Brundle is onto something, discussed the implications of the research findings.

“The good news,” said Borans, “is that global warming is curing actual racism. The bad news is that as real racism goes away, those in the race-grievance industry lose money and power. To compensate for this, grievance peddlers will have to market inconsequential, frictional, and incidental episodes of mild rudeness as actual, deliberate, oppressive racism. Sorta like how unscrupulous bartenders water down their whiskey.”

“But while real racism is easy to fix with temperature increases, it takes drastically more heat to burn out fake racism.” Borans said. “Basically the oceans will burst into flame before every microaggression is eliminated.”

A joint statement on the topic issued by the Congressional Black Caucus read simply “shut up and start idling your SUVs.”

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