Latest Computer Model Predicts Between 0 And 12.6 Billion New COVID-19 Deaths By Summer

Via The Babylon Bee

U.S.—After several embarrassing and widely divergent revisions to the coronavirus projections of infection, hospitalization, and death rate used by government officials around the world to justify shutting down the global economy, experts at John Hopkins have now deployed a state-of-the-art super-scientific computer model and have now determined that between 0 and 12.6 billion people will contract the disease and be completely dead by summer.

“The panel of experts came together to give Americans the true picture of what we are looking at,” said Dr. Robert Redfield, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, as he pointed to lots of completely accurate up-to-date charts and graphs from the study. “This is not just the flu. This is going to wipe out between 0 and 12.6 billion people before summer hits.”

As a result of the new predictions, the CDC has revised their guidelines for essential workers to not only continue to wear a face covering and regularly take their temperature, but to also begin praying to whatever higher power they choose as they await the impending death of everyone on June 1.

The CDC website was updated with an infographic informing Americans they had a final 34 days to “slow the spread.”

“We told everyone that there would be no ventilators and that hospitals were going to be overwhelmed across the entire nation by April, even with extensive social distancing recommendations and shutdowns in place,” stated Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and member of the White House’s coronavirus task force. “It didn’t happen quite that way, so we went to get better numbers. Now it looks like in this new expert modeling that everyone will actually die by June 1. We are super serious.”

“It is absolutely vital that no one shake hands ever again. Though after June 1 it won’t matter as much,” he added.

At publishing time, President Trump was telling reporters that his housekeepers recommend bleach to clean surfaces and that maybe that could be injected somehow.

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6 Comments
MrLiberty
MrLiberty
April 28, 2020 1:47 pm

Thankfully for us, the US government is basing everything they do and every policy they hand down, on this particular model.

So the idiots at Harvard did a projection model for GA, based ON NO CHANGES TO BEHAVIOR WHATSOEVER (so no social distancing, no masks, no gloves, no nothing), and surprise, surprise, their projections for opening the state were a massive spike in cases nearly 20 times what we have seen already. And the local Lying Media Scumbags, despite pointing out the ridiculous absurdity of the study, kept going back to it over and over during the news broadcast last night. No agenda there….right? The anti-governor Kemp agenda is almost as palpable as the anti-Trump agenda with these bottom feeders.

Anonymous
Anonymous
April 28, 2020 2:29 pm

Hmmm, they might have actually(accidentally?) got this one right.

Anonymous
Anonymous
April 28, 2020 6:21 pm

Well, I seem to recall people freaking out when the EXPONENTIAL GROWTH!!! caused a doubling about every two or three days.

Being generous, if we now have a doubling of deaths every two weeks, everyone will be dead before Thanksgiving.

So, I hope last Thanksgiving was good for everyone because it was, indeed, the last.

/sarc

SlickWilly
SlickWilly
April 28, 2020 8:23 pm

12.6 billion huh, people better get to humpin’ so we can get to that number.

muscledawg
muscledawg
April 29, 2020 6:24 am

experts at John Hopkins have now deployed a state-of-the-art super-scientific computer model and have now determined that between 0 and 12.6 billion people will contract the disease and be completely dead by summer.

haven’t laughed so hard in a while. Thanks Bee. Love your humor.

flash
flash
April 29, 2020 9:09 am

We have to incentivize more killing, because the only way to defeat this virus is to kill everyone who might be infected and intubation is a very good way to do that. Intubation has a survival rate of less than 20% and no one can deny that the hospital tried to save a life. Plus isolate the patient and scare them enough and they’ll desperately agree to anything , including intubation.

Nurse Sounds Alarm over Bad Medicine in NYC, Ventilators Causing Death

Hospitals (in NYC) get like $13k for a COVID case & an additional $39k for using a ventilator.

https://youtu.be/4_CMPb0LHuI