Guest Post by Skinny
Yesterday I applied to the State Department for the open position of Ambassador to Chaz. Although I am white, I check all the other boxes. I’m woke. I recently bought a BLM flag, and plan on hanging it between my Hammer and Sickle and and portrait of Che Guevara. I’m proficient with spray paint, I know how to alight a police car, and, thanks to playing baseball as a youngster, can throw a brick with the best of them.
What is Chaz, or CHAZ? It is the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone established within a 6-block area surrounding what was previously the East Precinct of Seattle. Thankfully, that region has been de-established, taken over by peaceful rioters and looters, and renamed as the Nation of Chaz. Thus, a nation is born. The United States needs to immediately establish diplomatic relations and needs to install me as the Ambassador. Anything less would be tantamount to violence against the cause.
Wokeness aside, I genuinely believe I am uniquely qualified for this position. Chaz stands for everything I believe in. First of all, they believe in borders. Upon establishing the nation, the first thing they did was construct a wall defining their borders. While the current wall is a crude affair, built with discarded plastic Jersey barriers, scrap plywood, and loose pieces of chain link fencing, I am confident that a great big beautiful wall of Trumpian lore will replace this nascent effort. Chaz residents understand that outsiders, especially the unwoke variety do not belong in their nation.
All entrants are stopped at the border and detained until their viability for entry is determined. Those not making the grade are refused entry and returned to their country of origin. And unlike those wussies in the United States, those going home do so at their own expense. There are no detention centers, no immigration courts, no holding periods, and of course, no releasing into the territory until a future court date can be established. Take a hike loser, today is not your day. No Chaz for you.
Second reason, guns. The borders are defended by armed men with military style weapons. Nothing warms the cockles of my heart more than fierce men in masks brandishing assault rifles. These guys mean business. Unlike the chickified agents of our border patrol who prance around with colt 45s on their belt, these guys are armed with AR 15s and other weapons of mass destruction. My first action as the Ambassador will be to lobby Congress to sell the emerginging state more sophisticated weapons to defend itself from outside agitators. I’m talking to you Mayor Jenny Durkin, you too Canada.
Third reason, Monarchy. Like our second president, John Adams, I have been accused of, and in fact have a slight affinity towards a monarch. Had George Washington accepted the throne that was his to claim, the history of this country would have turned out markedly different. And not necessarily for the worse. First of all, there would have been no such thing as a President Wilson and his progressive warriors. Same for FDR and that silly New Deal. Great Society?
Fuhgeddaboudit. Chaz understands the need of monarchy and has an anointed king, Raz Simone. The first of his name. King of Chaz, benevolent despot of the downtrodden. Unlike most kings, we cannot trace his lineage. But, like Arthur of Old, he sprang forth from the Earth, pulled the sword from the Jersey barrier, and smote the agents of racism. The Round Table of Chaz is thus firmly established.
I could go on. Defund the police? Always a good idea especially when you have better armaments. Homelessness? Easy. Invite them all in and hope they don’t steal all your food. Oops, oh well, that could have turned out better. The free State of Chaz will provide. Topple Confederate statues? Of course. Just be careful the statue doesn’t fall on your head while tippling like what happened to the Mensa Society Member in Portsmouth, VA. Now that his head is cracked open like an eggshell, his doctors can install a brain into the heretofore empty crevice. Fortunately, this can’t happen in Chaz. All the statues were removed by Antifa long ago.
The only missing element is an ambassador from these United States of America, or more correctly the Racist States of America. As a dutiful patriot, it is incumbent on me to fill the role as Ambassador to the Court of Saint Chaz. This burgeoning nation deserves no less.
Sincerely,
Ambassador in Waiting.
Skinny
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Good post!!!
Well,I sent the POTUS an e-mail asking to be U.S. ambassador to Chaz,guess there is a contest to see who will be it.
I need the boards help in finding a new travel agent.I wanted to take a vacation in Chaz and not only could my agent not find me any flight to Chaz could also not even book me a room!I would also say he could not even give me a list of “must see” sites while visiting Chaz!
I felt it was important to learn about chaz’s history culture ect. as feel I am a prime candidate for being the face of United States in developing relations with Chaz.
In Chaz, you don’t need to reserve or pay for a room. You just take it from someone who is privileged.
Get in line pal. This gig is mine. Just working out the contract on the embassy construction. It will be a big beautiful embassy worthy of the nascent state.
Hmmmm…,I am a licensed builder/osha safety card holder/lead safe certified /ect.,lets see who gets the embassy contract!
I actually sent a email to the POTUS asking for the gig.
Oh,and can drink with the best of them and have some where a suit and tie(OK,still looking for it).
You wasted your time contacting state dept.,me,I went straight to the Boss!
That said,if either of us get the post lets work together,while Chaz cute ect. short term will not work well in the brave new world!
I’ll keep it in mind. But as Admin Quinny well knows, I don’t normally work and play well with others. Also, Chaz is is not overly concerned with OSHA and LEED certificates. That just for the suckers in the former states.
Skinny- I’ll support your ambassadorship if you’ll support my effort to be chairman of Chaz’ (Chazdic, Cheesedick?) Federal Reserve. To save time I’ll paste a portrait of you looking all dignified and impo’tent over GW’s pic on the $1 bill and run off a couple million copies and put them in circulation. It will become the Global Currency. You’ll be famous and we’ll be rich (wink wink nudge nudge).
That’s the decision of the free people of Chaz. Apparently Raz Simone gets the dollar bill. Maybe they will give me the $5.
Bravo!
Damned straight, Skinny. That was great.
Do you need a letter of reference?
As of yet no. But stay tuned.
As did I. A $175,000 a year, full US benefits, lots of cocktail parties and I don’t have to leave the lower 48. With the amount of money I will be able to steal a year this gig is easily worth 7 digits. I please ask that others withdraw their applications immediately for my benefit. Thank you.
Too late. My hearing is tomorrow. I hear it will be a cakewalk.
When will Chaz Bono be visiting Chaz, with its mother Cher?
Ever wonder what Sonny thinks about how his family turned out?
Since US Embassies are typically massive affairs, the Nation of Chaz will need to give up all its territory (6 blocks) so the US can build a new embassy.
To compensate for this loss of land, the Seattle City Council will probably just expand the Chaz boundaries to the city limits. Chaz will then become SAZ (Seattle Autonomous Zone). That makes more sense anyway. Let’s just write off the entire City of Seattle and turn it into an Escape from New York kind of hamlet. The only downside is that I-5 through Seattle will have to close making a bit longer trip north on I-405.
Part of the negotiations. The Trump Organization is working out the details. Trust me, it will be big and beautiful.
Well, if you are going to be the ambassador to CHAZ, Skinny; Auntie wants either the chargé d’affairs position or, even better, military attaché.
A night demonstration of an AC-130 to the CHAZites in CHAZ territory would be quite the show.
Auntie, you’re hired. We can hold off on the air show for now.
Oh goody.
I am going to pad the résumé right now.
Quinny Not to worry. Once we establish diplomatic relations we will shower them with food and supplies. Why not, it worked for the Palestinians.
Sorry, Skinny. This plum post is going to one of the Kennedys.
Remember when obungo belatedly gave the Japan ambassadorship to Caroline Kennedy as reward for her endorsement of him?
The typically unflappable Japanese were flat out PISSED that he would select someone who knew nothing about their country but got the post because she was unhappy her allegiance to the party of the left had gone unrewarded for 4 years.
Hey Mary Jo
Unlike Caroline I know everything about the country to which I will be posted. I’m so woke, I already fell asleep.
It is a good post, and the truths and ironies are not lost. My very best hope is that Sec Def issues a 90 minute warning and at the end of 90 minutes, anyone left in that communist shithole gets bombed to their judgement by say even 4 F-15 Strike Eagles. And then strafed for an hour or so by a squad of A-10’s and a Spectre gunship. An elbow punch to the throat, well-landed, always stops a disturbance in its tracks. Totalitarian fools.
Glock 1911 this is the USA.
Exactly.
Would that be the same Sec Def that was embarrassed to walk through Lafayette Park?
You should’ve paid more attention to the real world in the past 30 years instead of watching TV.
Funny. This reminds me of an old Clint Eastwood movie called, “High Plains Drifter”.
But the drifter coming into town for revenge is a rap singer.
Going to be interesting watching this unfold.
It certainly will. It requires the tongue firmly placed in the cheek.
Hey, Skinny, I’d like to endorse you for the job. You sound like you could make friends with the CHAZ people and maybe initiate some trade agreements. I happen to have a product idea that you might want to represent. Be good for both of us! But first of all I’d like to see you offer a gift of friendship to the people of CHAZ. I think I have the perfect one. It’s a huge bronze statue of Lenin standing right there in Seattle in the Fremont neighborhood. Just like the French who gave the U.S. the Statue of Liberty, this gesture would live in the hearts of CHAZ countrymen, countrywomen, transpeople, and others (there’s a ton of homosexuals on the Hill) forever. I would be happy to enter into negotiations with the Soviets in Fremont for the statue. Actually, I think we could get the big bronze guy for nothing. What we would do is one night topple the fucker and then come in and truck it away. Who’s going to object? Nobody owns the damn thing and we’d look like we were trucking it away at the behest of whatever authority exists there.
What products? Well, Capitol Hill pizza doesn’t hold a candle to Fremont’s. Furthermore, CHAZ’s borders are closed and those folks are getting hungry what with no deliveries. Your gift would open the border for you and yours, you see? And you may be wondering, and rightly so, how we would get paid for delivering pizza to CHAZ. Hah, the warlord there is extorting homeowners who if they don’t pay up get burnt out. The money is floooowwing in! Plenty, plenty money. Time is of the essence.
Let’s get to it!
bigfoot
Brilliant Bigfoot. You get the statue, I’ll get the truck. A big beautiful truck. Maybe we can get the Lee and Jackson statue that Nan Pelosi’s father dedicated to Baltimore when he was Mayor.
Gonna have to put them in black-face before you offer them.
Not going to work out, Skinny. I had occasion to speak with the warlord. He told me Lenin was weak and that he’d want a Stalin statue. Guy’s a deep thinker because he then told me he had plans for gathering resources outside his borders like Stalin did with Ukraine and he knew Stalin got away with it. So I’m not sure we can find a Stalin statue anywhere. Lot of ’em got toppled even in Russia. Maybe we could get one of the Lyndon Johnson ones there in Texas? If the warlord is agreeable to that, I’d like some cash to go get it. Probably be able to steal one, so just need to rent a truck and have a little money for gas and pizza.