SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Nancy Pelosi was minding her own business this week when a salon owner called her and said in a gravelly voice, “Listen, toots — I got a proposition for ya.” The salon owner then explained how she wanted her to come in to get a perm, absolutely free. “It’s a great deal — no strings attached. No funny business. Take it or leave it. Come around back. No cops.”
Pelosi showed up for the appointment but felt uneasy from the beginning since the salon owner wore a shirt saying “I HATE NANCY PELOSI.” But despite her misgivings, she continued on, really needing to get her hair done and her skin tightened.
Just as her head was being dipped in the bowl, Pelosi noticed one of the hair stylists pressing a button labeled “SUMMON POLICE TO FRAME A POLITICIAN” under the counter. The Speaker of the House leaped to her feet and made a break for it, screaming for her chauffeur to start the car.
“Step on it, Bugsy!” she shouted at her getaway driver. “It’s a setup! The popo’s comin’ in hot!” The hair stylist almost nabbed her, but Pelosi pushed over a rack of shampoos and conditioners, slowing down her pursuers just in time for her to leap into the back seat of her car.
A police car came screaming around the corner just as she and her driver peeled out, taking a hard right down a nearby alleyway. The police officer riddled the back of her car with bullets from his Tommy gun before Pelosi narrowly managed to escape by driving off the end of the docks, where her car turned into a steampunk submersible and she got away scot-free.
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The salon owner and stylist should sue Pelosi for slander.
Defamation of character which has had financial implications on her viability. Of course you cannot sue these assholes as public servants, they are immune. However, this was not in the context of here official duties. Perhaps they can use the same fund to pay her off that Schiff used to pay off the young boy he sexually harassed.