It’s official: 2020 was the worst year ever, except for almost all the other years in human history! Will 2021 be a better year? Take a look at the Babylon Bee’s official list of infallible predictions for next year and decide for yourself!
January 1 – New Year resolutions begin
January 5 – New Year resolutions downgraded
January 20 – Biden sworn in
January 21 – Biden dies of natural causes
January 22 – Trump announces 2024 presidential run
January 23 – 2024 Campaign kicks off
January 25 – Obama releases new memoir
January 27 – Feminists finally begin to reverse Handmaid’s Tale
February 1 – All remaining Trump supporters hunted down and executed
February 2 – Electoral college, First Amendment, Second Amendment, churches, and capitalism eliminated
February 3 – Democrats announce return to unity
February 26 – China officially annexes United States
March 1 – Pronouns must be tattooed on forehead or hand
March 3 – Space Force training exercise accidentally blows up the moon
March 6 – Elon Musk fixes moon
March 10 – Obama releases new memoir
March 21 – COVID 20 arrives
March 25 – FDA approves first permanent mask facial implant
April 1 – Cuomo hunts down remaining elderly in New York
April 19 – Steven Furtick announces he is the Messiah
May 5 – Elon Musk accepts Christ
May 6 – Joel Osteen accepts Christ
May 10 – Obama releases new memoir
June 6 – AOC tweets something dumb
July 3 – Kamala Harris forces gulag prisoners to make bricks without straw
August 15 – Netflix releases Cuties 2
September 5 – CHAZ 2 founded
September 6 – CHAZ 2 dismantled
October 1 – Beth Moore becomes Head Pastor of Christianity
October 8 – Obama releases new memoir
October 11 – ISIS takes over all of Canada
November 17 – Development complete on Cyberpunk 2077
December 10th – We finally find out what the squirrels have been up to
December 25 – Kamala Harris outlaws Christmas and becomes Empress of The World
December 27 – Obama releases new memoir
December 30 – Sydney Powell announces Kraken will finally be released next week
December 31 – Jesus returns
Yikes– looks like 2021 will be another doozy! Happy New Year!
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Pretty funny. I enjoyed January 21st. Had to Google Steven Furtick and Beth Moore.
Apparently some mega-church yahoos fleecing their gullible flocks.
Very funny.
I loved “Joel Osteen accepts Christ”. Glad to see I’m not the only one who knows Joel is a damned wolf dressed in sheep’s clothing.
I spent Christmas in the Florida Keys. I was on a dive boat headed out and we passed a huge yacht that had “Sunday Money” painted on the side. The dive guide made the comment that it was Joel Osteen’s boat. It gave everybody a good chuckle.
I later found out it was Dale Earnhardt’s yacht that he paid for when he ordered it a few month’s before he died at Daytona. It has had two owners since and is currently for sale for $4.2 million.
Amen, Stucky, He is worse than that.
He’s the idol of every mega church “pastor”.
Joel Olsteen preaching the gospel of Jeebus!
And since Jeebus lived in a palace, so should Joel. Prosperity! It’s in da bible! So, Joel bought hisself a $12 million dollar home.
And when it comes to compassion, Joel got that covered too. He closed his church doors to the people of Houston during Hurricane Katrina. It’s what Jeebus would have done.
Yet, 18,000 people attend his services, TWICE a week.
How much more proof do you need before you’re convinced that the majority of Americans are dumfuks?
pffft!
Only three Obummer memoirs..
April 1 – Cuomo hunts down remaining elderly in New York
They left off the execution of said elderly.
I predict that Bitch McConnell will meet an tragic end to his control of the US Senate for being a RINO and shoving through the veto override of the NDAA.
the first roll should become an empty tube and the second roll should become a syringe.
Sadly, we may end up looking back on 1/1/22 upon this list and wish the year that just passed had been only this bad.