LOS ANGELES, CA—In a stunning reversal of almost a full year of devastating lockdowns that decimated California businesses, California Governor Gavin Newsom has decided to reverse them all and finally allow businesses to get back to work.
He was last seen shouting at a row of abandoned businesses, telling them it was time to reopen.
“I’m not sure why everyone left,” said Newsom, hanging his head. “We followed the dictates of SCIENCE and saved billions of lives. Everyone should be thanking me!”
When asked if Newsom’s sudden and drastic reversal of lockdowns had anything to do with his declining popularity and efforts to recall him as Governor, he dismissed the accusations as “absurd.”
“This has nothing to do with politics,” said the politician. “This is what SCIENCE told me to do! I’m serious– SCIENCE was standing at the foot of my bed last night and clearly told me it was time to end the lockdowns! I mean– it took me a while to understand him because he was speaking a mixture of ancient Latin and Sumerian in 12 different voices, but once I finally translated SCIENCE’s message, I knew it was time to open businesses in California once again!”
“Hey, all you little people with your quaint little businesses! You can reopen now!” said Newsom to a deserted and dilapidated row of storefronts in L.A. “Hey– where is everybody? Why isn’t everyone celebrating?”
Unbeknownst to him, everyone had already left to live in Texas.
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“You Can Reopen Now!”
reminds me of that bangkok rules scene in escape from l.a. “draw.”
If there was anything of lasting benefit from the shutdown, it was that a lot of people got some experience operating an ‘illegitimate’ business, outside the law.
A lot of people also learned that homeschooling is a viable option.
I feel sorry for Texas. Everywhere these effing people go, they start the same cycle of creating the same mess they left behind. It’s like they can’t see or don’t care to understand that THEY are the problem. Voting to supposedly “fix” something not broken all for the sake of poor “johnny” who is oblivious is the very definition of insanity. Just look at what happened to Austin… I was always hopeful that Texas could emerge out of this mess as a free Republic, but I’m not sure there will be enough true and old-time Texans left to hold on the vestiges of what could have been. California should remain on lock down, but it should include border gates to ensure that no one can ever leave to infect the rest of us. Texas’ new name… Texifornia!