Pixelated Bushes

by the subway philosopher™

Suppose you were a successful market-dominating beer producer in a smallish first-world country but wanted more. Strategically, expanding outward would be the obvious path. Neighboring countries first, then global markets. Acquisitions and mergers. Production. Distribution. HR.  Marketing – the biggie. Tactically, there is no clear route for marketing any more  – it’s changing all the time.

Strategy and tactics are the mind-games of power players. I imagine it’s kind of fun.

“But sir, if the city falls, the entire alliance will be imperiled!”

“True, so I propose moving the Fifth east of the city walls, as the dragoons will surely attack there.”

 Strategies are grand designs imagined on the chessboard of business (and geopolitics). Tactics are the ways to get there. Hooking your wagon to a rising star is usually a pretty good move for most companies.

If you’re Asahi, the Japanese beer giant, maybe you’ve noticed that porn is the world’s most-watched media. How about some enticing, modern product placement spots? Imagine a sweet Asian schoolgirl (10 million subscribers) stripping down to something less than her little white cotton panties whilst sipping erotically on a can of Asahi beer, with a few empties scattered around for color.

“But sir, will it work? Will Asahi be seen as legitimate?” (Marketing)

“But sir, what if it actually works? Can we ramp up production that quickly and at scale?” (Production)

“But sir, what if it works? What’s the budget for more loading docks and distribution centers?” (Distribution)

“But sir, what if it actually works? Will the company be profitable? What about dividends and stock price?” (Shareholders)

“But sir, will women and the oppressed embrace our message?” (Diversity and Inclusion)

“But sir, aren’t you exploiting victimized minority millionaire sex goddesses who would be much happier working for seven bucks an hour at Target?” (Karen)

“Sir, great idea! But I’ll need to personally supervise the shoots.” (Ethics)

“But sir, is her bush properly pixelated?” (Legal)

“We don’t know anything about this.” (CEO at a press conference)

All of the above is of course purely hypothetical. I’m completely certain I’ve never come across such a video, nor have I watched it, at least not in its entirety. On the other hand, it’s fascinating to contemplate a world where the practice of law consists of viewing softcore porn and ensuring it’s sufficiently censored such that viewers can’t quite be entirely 100% certain what a young lady’s pink bits actually look like. 98% certain? Sure, no problem. But not 100% – that’s definitely bad. Worse – what kind of mind sits in a government office passing judgment and making rules on such things? Only Japanese gov.com can say for sure, and like all bureaucrats, they ain’t talking.

Btw, yes, Asahi is damn good beer.

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