BEAVERTON, OR—After carefully listening to feedback from a growing chorus of three of their customers, Nike is making some long-awaited improvements to their 2022 women’s swimwear line. Nike’s new “Performance Series” of one-piece competitive women’s swimsuits will feature extra room in the crotch for male genitalia.
“We suddenly realized we weren’t serving a very important segment of women competitors—those with male genitals,” said Nike VP of Diversity and Inclusion Xandryx Bithrannamynx. “Now, women of all shapes and sizes will be able to compete in their favorite swim sports!”
Several product designers at NIKE questioned the decision, as the new swimsuits now fit much too loosely on 99.97% of female swimmers. Those product designers were immediately condemned as transphobes and fired—after which they were doxxed, removed from social media, frozen out of their bank accounts, condemned publically by President Biden, and beat up by a 327-pound trans woman named “Lila” before being dumped on the street to fend for themselves.
“Nike proudly serves all women, with every form of genitals women can have,” said Nike’s CEO John Donahoe as the VP of Diversity and Inclusion grabbed his collar and prepared to push him off the roof of the office building. “This includes male genitals, which are actually female if they identify as… wait a minute, is that right? No! Please don’t hurt me! PLEAAASEEE!!”
Nike is proudly reporting a huge increase in athletic performance from the new design, as most women swimmers who wear it beat their competitors by at least 48 seconds.
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The marketing name of the new series of suits: “Taint Naturals”
Clap,clap,CLAP.
The Pentagon has reportedly bought the entire first run of the suits.
Was Big Mike in charge of the design committee?
I just had to share this because I didn’t want to be the only one having nightmares😱 Please cover this with something. Anything.
I think CERN screwed the pooch with those ultra high energy higgs bosun experiments. That would account for Bizarro World.
Maybe using cell phone makes people insane?
I didn’t see the Babylon Bee tag line and thought this was real. The tragedy is that it so easily COULD be real.
Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition will never be the same.
Shame