WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a press conference aimed at praising the Commander-in-Chief’s flawless track record, Press Secretary Jen Psaki begrudgingly took a question from some gloom-and-doom journalist describing parents’ struggles in finding baby formula. Psaki guffawed, saying parents unable to obtain baby formula should just feed their babies a margarita and put them in kickboxing class.
The press secretary and future MSNBC host explained how margaritas and kickboxing are a perfect way to unwind after a long, tough day of having no food to eat.
“I know some parents see having no formula as less than ideal, but there are things you can do. Stop being a bunch of Debbie Downers,” said Psaki while twirling a crystal goblet of finely-aged Chardonnay. “Things aren’t so bad! Inflation isn’t even real; The Disinformation Governance Board just told me it’s a fairy tale economists tell their children at bedtime. No formula for your infant? Big deal! Give it some caviar drizzled with whipped mangosteen honey on Himalayan spelt wafers for crying out loud!”
The Disinformation Governance Board issued a statement—in musical form—confirming that everything Psaki said about the Disinformation Governance Board was correct.
Following the press conference, progressive parents who voted for Biden obediently began dumping margaritas into baby bottles and signing up their infants for intensive kickboxing classes.
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This country was built on hard cider, and nothing’s going to get fixed until we all go back on hard cider. No better place to start than with the babies.
Born in ’47, our parents were the ones who rubbed our gums with whiskey when we were teething … lots of us acquired a taste for bourbon and the like at an early age …
Let them eat cake.
Bride of Chuckey needs to go back to the toy factory from whence she came.