FRIDAY FAIL

It’s Canada Day, eh. The day where Canadians take a day off to frolic in the snow and ride moose. (I’ve actually seen Americans up here in the summertime with a snowmobile on the trailer. Americans are funny.) Ask a Canadian what Canada Day is all about, they’d respond, “Canada,” and look at you as if you were an idiot. Asked to specify further what’s being celebrated, they wouldn’t have a clue. “It’s a paid day off and Canada is great. Now have a beer and stop asking stupid questions.”

But, why is Canada great? Well, uh, we’re usually nice and polite and we don’t cause much trouble and we produced Shannon Tweed and Wayne Gretzky. Canada hasn’t done anywhere near as much for the world as has the USA, but then we haven’t done anywhere near as much to the world either. CBC, our awful public broadcaster, produced a show purporting to honour the ten greatest Canadians of all time. I’ve never been more embarrassed about being Canadian. David Suzuki was one of them, for Christ’s sake–a whining windbag environmentalist. Don Cherry–a frigging hockey coach and broadcaster. Wayne Gretzky–okay, he was pretty great. Pierre Jesus Trudeau: the worst prime minister of all time until his/Fidel’s son took up the mantle. And the top Canadian? Tommy Asswipe Douglas! He brought Medicare to Canada. Talk about turning Kennedy’s refrain on its head: ‘Ask not what you can do for your country; ask what your country can do for you.’ There were only two world class people on that list: Frederick Banting, co-discoverer of insulin; and Alexander Graham Bell–and he was born in Scotland and may well have stolen the telephone idea from Antonio Meucci, an Italian.

We are great at inventing sports including hockey and basketball, and we co-invented football and lacrosse with the Yanks. But compare that to the legacies of the truly great countries of our time. The U.S. gave the world airplanes, television, the transistor, the Internet, the polio vaccine–hell, at least half of what’s been invented. Britain gave us the original vaccine, antibiotics, computers, the World Wide Web, and on and on. And try to come up with a list of the ten greatest Yanks or Limeys and you’d have a real challenge narrowing it down (according to Google they’re all black). Then again, those two countries are by far the worst countries in terms of warring, killing, and stealing.

All in all, I’d rather be Canadian than anything else, and that’s how we all should feel about whatever country we’re from. Canada’s a good country, a decent country; I’m proud to be Canadian. Happy Canada Day to all Canucks; happy Independence Day to all Yanks. Enjoy Friday Fail.