A Note From Dennis:
Each year I write a mentoring letter for the holidays, hoping readers will forward it to their family and friends. This was written in 2019. With many new readers, I wanted to run it again. I feel it is still very appropriate today.
EARLY FALL 2008 – It was my 50th high school class reunion; a good turnout with classmates from all over the country. We had fun with old friends, catching up on the last 50 years.
Ray P. donated the use of his country club for the big banquet, so everyone was dressed accordingly. My wife Jo and I were seated next to the wall. We looked around and observed some of the women would give movie star Ann Margaret a run for her money. Others reminded us of our grandmothers. Likewise, for the men – some were dressed stylishly and others looked like our grandfathers.
A few years later we experienced the same thing at Jo’s 50th reunion. Why do some people appear much younger, while others are the opposite?
You look young for your age!
The first time I remember hearing that, I had turned 70. I was offended, feeling like it was an insincere attempt at flattery. “What the heck is a guy supposed to look like at 70? I’m 50 pounds overweight, bald and my beard is totally grey.”
The response was an eye-opener. “Just being around you, listening to you, watching your behavior, I would have never believed you are 70.” They weren’t talking about my looks, but rather my behavior.
Jo and I revisited the discussion about our reunions. Many who seemed younger may not have been able to fit into the prom jacket or poodle skirts of their youth, but they sure don’t behave like old people.
| “It was so naive to think that there was nothing interesting that happened after 55. Come on, there’s a whole second adulthood!”
– Gail Sheehy |
Gail Sheehy’s 1974 book, Passages, looked at each decade of life and concluded our society is behaving much younger. 80’s are what 70’s used to be – 70’s are what 60’s used to be, etc. She wrote several sequels concluding the trend is continuing; while people may be aging on the calendar, their behavior is not aging like previous generations.
Jo and I felt Ms. Sheehy is probably right; however, it does not apply to everyone. We concluded that age is just a number. For example, I am soon to be 80 years old. There are some people who are a young 80, others 80 and some are an old 80.
Physical health may play a role, but I look at friend Chuck Butler. He’s dealt with cancer for over a decade. He has lost an eye, is not as mobile as he used to be. He retired and still writes the Daily Pfennig, is very active, and is one of the most up to date people, with a positive attitude you will ever meet.
I’m sure we all have friends who are very active, appearing and behaving much younger than what we would anticipate for their age. We also know “couch potatoes” that stopped growing years ago.
| “If every day is an awakening, you will never grow old. You will just keep growing.”
– Gail Sheehy |
My step-father retired from the post office at 65 and stopped growing. In the generation before him, the male life expectancy was around 67. It appeared he was just hanging out waiting for his call. Dad didn’t want to go anywhere, do anything and, other than sports, lost all interest in the outside world.
My mother was more active and would go on trips. She would put meals in the freezer and off she would go. It was fine with him. When mother died, dad went into an assisted living facility. He would eat his meals, then go back to his room and lock the door. He lived that way until he was 92. Encouraging him to do things would just aggravate him so we gave up. While he was comfortable, that is not how I want to live out my golden years.
We conducted an informal survey among friends. What does it take to have the world look at you as “young” for your age?
Physical health. Certainly, being in good physical health will keep you younger; however, we no longer need to be “faster than a speeding bullet and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!”
Recently a heart doctor told us that doing normal household chores and a 15-20 minute walk a day is more than reasonable. Doing more earns you extra credit.
Appearance. Looking back on our reunion experiences, we realized that dressing stylishly certainly helps. Many women colored their hair, wore appropriate makeup and dressed stylishly. I’ll confess Jo has a major say-so in what I wear these days…and that’s OK.
Active. How do we define active? We see many ads for “active adult communities”. They normally depict seniors playing golf, tennis, swimming, and doing outdoor activities. The implication is active means physical activity.
Being active is more than that. We have friends that are involved with Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) that are advocates for abused or neglected children. Others are involved in helping at animal shelters, singing or theatre groups.
Active adult communities generally have dozens of clubs; dominoes, dining groups, gardening, card clubs, day-trippers, book clubs, you name it. Look at the refrigerator calendar for active adults and it is pretty full. If there is family nearby, combining family activities with your friends leads to an active lifestyle.
Meeting the aging challenge head on
| “Changes are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one’s own unnecessary vegetation.
If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.” – Gail Sheehy |
Transitioning into your golden years can be a daunting challenge; particularly if health issues are involved.
After I had been retired for a few years I realized what you think your retirement is going to be is theory; it may not turn out the way you anticipated. Once you begin the transition you will make changes and do-overs are normal.
At 75, Jo and I moved from Florida to Arizona. One friend remarked, “At your age, you are doing what?” That frosted me, what does age have to do with it. We packed up and moved across the country and love our Arizona lifestyle.
Sharing some experience
Here are some observations from our life experiences.
Commit yourself to being committed. That is the first step in Dennis Connor’s book, “The Art of Winning.”
When I learned I had cancer I called my mentor, Chuck Butler. He has battled cancer for more than a decade. He told me, from day one, he committed to the idea he was going to “beat” cancer. He says that he has “battled to a draw” for over a decade and is not giving up. In the meantime, he has seen his family grow, graduate and he is now a proud, loving grandfather.
One of my post-treatment cancer challenges is learning how to eat again. Chuck’s advice was followed. I told the doctor to take out my stomach tube as soon as possible. By doing so, I was committed to learning how to eat again.
Embrace the changes aging brings and meet them head on.
Keep your head in the game. Many friends have “encore careers.” While the money helps, in many cases, it is to get involved, get out of the house and make a difference in the world.
Never stop reading and learning. Most all of our “young for their age” friends are well-read and stay on top of things. Several have joined a photo club and are becoming excellent photographers. If you get involved in a political discussion, you will be surprised how they have their facts together.
Of particular note, never stop reading and learning about investing your money wisely.
Don’t allow yourself to get old. I used to tell friends one of my favorite songs is “I want to live until I die.” This one got to me:
A friend sent me the Toby Keith song, “Don’t Let The Old Man In”:
Don’t let the old man in, I wanna leave this alone
Can’t leave it up to him, he’s knocking on my door
And I knew all of my life, that someday it would end
Get up and go outside, don’t let the old man in
Many moons I have lived
My body’s weathered and worn
Ask yourself how old you’d be
If you didn’t know the day you were born
Try to love on your wife
And stay close to your friends
Toast each sundown with wine
Don’t let the old man in
Many moons I have lived
My body’s weathered and worn
Ask yourself how old you’d be
If you didn’t know the day you were born
When he rides up on his horse
And you feel that cold bitter wind
Look out your window and smile
Don’t let the old man in
Look out your window and smile
Don’t let the old man in
Aging and health problems be damned; staying younger than our age deals with our outlook on life and behavior. How old would you be if you didn’t know the day you were born? Enjoy the ride!
For more information, check out my website or follow me on FaceBook.
Until next time…
Dennis
“Economic independence is the foundation of the only sort of freedom worth a damn.” – H. L. Mencken
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Waiting to see the comments from all you old bastards…
I was just thinking I would like to see HSF comment on this one.
Older than fire but younger than dirt.
You’re younger than silicon substrates, but younger than skriptkiddies, Langleybot.
Oops. I meant younger than the chips, but older than the programs. Duh.
This was a quality article!
I truly enjoyed the commentary…hearing others talk about the same things I have lived and endured and enjoyed.
It was a nice break from the bad news.
I’m thinking the use of Ann-Margaret (81 but still alive!) as a bellwether for beauty and style probably isn’t the best example and merely dates Dennis’ perspective. Kind of like using Lawrence Welk as your standard for good entertainment. You’re only as old as the memes you use.
Lawrence Welk is great! Stylish entertainment with talent and skill, real singers, real dancers, lovely people that make me feel good to watch.
The bubble machine really clarified things for me…and I was like 6 or so.
One toke over the line.
I go by the motto age is a complete illusion. At 64, I wake up feeling great everyday. Yes, we are in a complete dystopic hellhole run by corrupt politicians intent on controlling and ruling every aspect of our lives. I live my own life everyday. I never let peoples limitations effect me, as this is the way 60 year olds act or do. I am not vaxxed, nor do I take any medications. I do not have any debt. I walk a lot, and I have access to beautiful mountains that are a five minute drive away, and most of all, I live, move, and have my being in the creator.
Can’t think of a better way to live. Walking is supposed to be the best exercise one can do.
(stretching too can also help posture and back problems)
Once your an hour out in the mountains you will usually see more animals than people, mostly sheep, but also an occasional bear or moose. I also see moose, bear, fox, and other animals right in the city. I had Lynx tracks in the yard in the deep snow. He jumped from fence to fence, probably looking for dogs or cats. Anchorage is a city on the edge of the wilderness.
You must live in or near the city. When I lived in the north we had no sheep but scads of deer, moose, bears and coyotes. And we lived on the edge of Prince George.
Unfortunately age isn’t an illusion. Some of us thru sometimes stupid, sometimes wild and sometimes necessity of hardship, beat the snot out of their bodies and are now paying for it.
Got a rescue dog again in Nov. just to keep me outside and walking everyday. My way of giving the middle finger to the weather and the pains of winter. And, thats my problem, I don’t run or turn from hardship.
I am in the city. But, it’s more like a Suburb on edge of city. I am talking about an attitude of age being meaningless. You got that attitude in nothing stops you.
There is an older couple in our neighborhood who walks by our house every day, no matter the weather. They dress like eskimos in the winter, and they stick with it, regardless of the amount of snow. I want to be them when I get older.
(Why is my computer giving me the squiggly red line under the word “eskimos”? Oh, I know why: because it is inappropriate. So “Eskimos” it is. Right back at you, mofo inanimate object!)
I could write an article on this. I have interviewed/questioned many 90+ year olds who are still ambulatory and continent. It appears as if activity is the number one factor.
My next door neighbor is 103 and still puts a cushion on the ground and tends the flowers along her sidewalk.
An 86 year old I know f it church places Children’s hospital change boxes at local stores, drives around monthly collecting the money, deposits it at the bank and writes a check to the hospital.
However I also have dozens of patients annually who are in their 50’s and early 60’s who are total dependent. Most are morbidly obese..many never worked much and are content with 12 hours sleeping and 12 in front of the TV.
The body was designed to move. Keep busy mentally and physically and your odds go way up.
I have made the same observation over my life: the only old people that can still move around are the ones that never stopped moving around. My church is mostly old people and that observation holds up, it was also true for my grandpa.
His health began to decline as soon as he sold the farm because his kids thought he was too old. He still lived another 16 years to 96, though.
I have two aunts (great aunts, actually), one in her 70s & the other in her early 80s (they’re sisters). They are the most fun women to be around!
You’d never guess their ages. They are hair dressers (still working) and keep their own hair stylish & updated (they color it), and they both dress classy, yet young & stylish. Their minds are sharp and they can converse on any topic.
The older one in her 80s lost her husband a few years ago. She is back to dating and has a new boyfriend now. He is her age, but seems youthful too. I go out to eat with them occasionally. They go out do all kinds of fun things together.
I took her out to a movie for her birthday (Downton Abbey) and had so much fun with her. She’s hilarious. She loves men & is very flirty and is always pointing out all the hot men – at 80 years old!! I have even seen younger men actually hit on her. She’s a blast to be around. Will miss her a ton when she’s gone.
I noticed the same thing. I call it the right attitude. I met 20 year olds that acted old. I came upon this, and think of it as how to live a dynamic life.
Be thankful for every gift, however small.
Be the best you can.
Do the best you can.
Love the gift of life.
Know that God is love.
Great advice.
I found my first arrowhead in a potato field on the edge of the Millstone River when I was seven years old. I have never forgotten how that felt, under the late Summer sky, wiping the sandy soil off of its waxy surface, jasper the color of peanut brittle, its tip as sharp as the day it was dropped.
Throughout my life I have always maintained some kind of connection with that boy in that wide open field, a stone held in a dirty palm, filled with awe and wonder. No matter where my life took me, no matter how many years have unspooled across time, and regardless of how I have aged that connection has never gone away. Youth is spent while we ache for maturity and adulthood looks back with wistful longing for what we left behind, but who we are- if we have found ourselves- remains as timeless as the world.
Truth be told, I kind of like my big white beard these days. Looks good on a seven year old.
Beards…lots of men are growing them now, since covid it seems. It’s trendy, so you are keeping yourself updated.
No matter, beard fashion is different. It’s a sign that men want to “go back” (subconsciously) to re-gain some sort of masculinity. To buck the system, so to speak. Once upon a time, men kept themselves clean shaven for Corporate America. I see this as a sign that we are pushing back on that…whether we realize that’s what’s happening or not.
^^^ Just a general comment – not specific to HSF.
(I scanned the article quickly. I should be working instead of playing around!)
That is an odd turn of phrase to be repeated by so many over such a span of time.
I always think about Mark Twain’s comments on the top hat and the hoop skirt, how one day no one is wearing them and the next day everyone must wear them or be considered strange.
Humans are strange creatures.
My dad thinks my jeans are strange. You know why? Because they have rips & holes and I wear them in public.
He can’t believe I would wear such a thing. When he sees me wearing them, he offers me money to go buy some “decent pants”. He says in his generation you would have been considered poor or homeless to dress like that (which he was, actually). Kinda funny.
My dad when he saw my wife wearing jeans with holes commented that when he was young if you wore jeans that to school they would give you a free lunch.
I’ve always been a slave to fashion.
Beards…we men are bringing testosterone back. Watch out!!
THANK YOU, GNL! Very much appreciated! 😁
Maybe in the older age groups — but in the younger age groups they’ve found a noticeable decline in testosterone …
For lots of reasons, but also because their mamas bathed their eggs in birth control – no kidding – it’s BAD stuff!
Sorry, but not really…the man bun looks ridiculous.
Especially on a ‘roid king who looks like he’s gonna
esplode, Lucy.
Wimpy skinny guys sporting one?
Uh, no.
Not a good look. At all.
Mockery shall ensue, and deservedly so.
Man buns ARE ridiculous! So are SKINNY JEANS! Lose the skinny jeans, for the love of God!!
It seems “men” are starting to wear yoga pants too now.
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
Haven’t for a very long time but now it is getting desperate.
Men in yoga pants…🤮🤮🤮
I will not be nice to men like that. Count on it.
I believe you.
And…vaxxinating kids under 6 years old.
I always found it strange that the norm would be shaving it off to look like a woman.
AND…who started that trend?? The jews!! Bank on it.
(actually, I don’t really know. But there’s probably some truth there.)
lol.
I started mine November 10, 2020, the day I got laid off from my next to the last job.
Sounds like you love the gift of life I mentioned above.
Thanks, HSF, you didn’t disappoint. All of that was meaningful and elicited memories and reflection.
Same. Still connected with the child within. Still climbing trees. People say I look young.
A few.weeks ago, I rode my atv to scout areas to set up a trap, and blind, and a pig pipe to hunt.feral hogs.
This is in wilderness controlled by the Amry Corps of Engineers surrounding Lake Somerville in TX.
Anyway, I rode out about a 1/4 mile from my truck and set up a corn feeder in a tree.
When I went to fill it, I realized a 50lb sack of corn was more than it used to be, and the fact that.I had 4 lumbar disc’s replaced last July 4th made me think about situational awareness…
A 63 year old man, with 2 stents, mending after spine surgery, in a wilderness miles.from any semblance.of help…
What was I thinking?
I have the brain of a 17 year old in many respects.
I have an autistic son I have to live for, so I must be more careful!
Come to my house if you want feral hogs. I won’t even charge you a hunting fee. My neighbor is shooting them daily and hauling them away. They destroy my yard!!
I anyone here did not have a smile on their face after reading this, you are already dead!
Mom will be 99 this year. One of the most positive people you will ever meet. Drove her car until 94. Living in an independent apartment, her only handicap is she has outlived her eyes.
My mother-in-law on the other hand is 81. Gave up driving 8 years ago. Afraid to leave her house. Dependent on outside help already yet physically able to go do stuff.
It’s all in your head.
Quality over quantity.
Yeah, but some people are blessed with both.
It’s all in your head unless you’ve lost your marbles.
Everyone dies young. A hundred isn’t old – it’s just older than everyone else. The Universe is old. The oldest human is still wet behind the ears by death.
But only the physical form dies, not Soul. Soul was created beyond space and time. So, as soul, we are all the same age. Just something to ponder.
The year that I turned 70 I had been riding Mtn bike every weekend with a couple of neighbors, we would typically go for a 15 mi ride. Two days after my 70th birthday I went out for a bike ride only this time I was riding alone. As I was riding I got to thinking I should do something special to commemorate my birthday, something I would never forget. What I finally decided was I would do a 70 Kilometer ride which was to ride the 15 mi route three times which is what I did. 70K bike ride at 70.
Two years ago when I was 76 I installed 30 solar panels on the roof of my barn/workshop, I did the entire project alone, humping those panes up there and doing all the electrical work by myself. I’m used to doing projects alone, been doing that all my life.
I could go on and on but if it wasn’t for that damn mirror I would still think I was 35 and not 78.
Awesome, too many people surrender to life, give in to limitations. I was thinking one time, I might have to hire someone to do work on the house some day. Then I thought, no way. I’ll be my own handyman till the day I die.
Lol! I know, right?
I think my mirror is defective. It keeps showing me my dad.
Me too, Iska! Mine keeps showing my mom! I think I need a new mirror.
I will happily take your mirror if it will do that for me.
That’s inspiring.
I hope I’m still doing half that by then.
I stopped coloring my hair and hated it so now I’m back to coloring it. I do it myself and it’s a pain about every 4 weeks but for me, it’s worth it.
I had to slow down before my hip replacement it was painful to walk very far. I used to walk a couple miles several times a week. I have the other side still to get done and have been working out to strengthen my surgery side so it can support the other side next month.
After that, I’ll be good for at least 10 years or maybe more, I hope. I hate sitting around and recovery was no fun.
PS: Some of looking old is pure genetics. My face doesn’t wrinkle and neither did my parents. Particularly my dad who didn’t have but a few on his forehead when he died at 82.
The other day I saw a family at a table next to us in a restaurant. Mom was sitting next to her daughter and across from them the grandkid and husband of daughter (I assume). Anyway, older mother was terribly wrinkled and hard to tell her age because of that but I would guess around 60 give or take a few. But daughter was probably early to mid thirties. Daughter already had wrinkles just like her mom but just not at deep or quite as many. Sun doesn’t have much to do with it unless you spend all of your time in Arizona sun or something like that. I spend quite a bit of time in the sun in the summer and have all of my life. It’s mostly genetics that causes it.
The sun is good for us.
Responsible Sun exposure is certainly good for us. It makes us make vitamin D.
Young people don’t think about that, and go offshore fishing with thinning hair and no hat.
Then they get squamous cells burned off their bald heads every year after 50 at the dermatologist.
Axe me how I knows…
I could certainly stand to improve my physical health, but I have always felt like I was still in my 20s and I have no doubt that it reflects in how I am seen by others. You truly are only as old as you feel. Meanwhile, my wife’s siblings sit around talking about what maladies are next to show up just because of how old they are. They are all already one foot in the grave. Thankfully my wife has a young attitude like I do. Her grandfather lived to 103, but her siblings seem to align their minds and their futures with the relatives that passed away in their 70s.
Yes. We are our own worst enemies. A great little book about this is “As A Man Thinketh.”
I will check it out