WASHINGTON, DC — In a major win for body positivity, the Center for Disease Control released a new scale this week to help doctors inform slightly larger patients they’re doing great and definitely won’t die young from any sort of coronary episode.
“We call this the ‘You Go Girl’ scale,” CDC Spokesperson Dana Macgillis told reporters. “Now, no matter what the numbers might say a patient’s weight is, doctors can use our scale to inform them that they’re totally healthy and definitely won’t die young or anything…even if they’re, say, 200 pounds ‘overweight’, whatever that is…”
The move comes after a slew of prominent body positivity activists died mysteriously from causes doctors can neither diagnose nor say out loud for possible fear of losing their jobs.
“These individuals died from caring too much,” Macgillis said. “They were definitely healthy at any weight and weren’t crushed to death under the weight of mountains of their own blubber. You go girl!”
Body positivity experts hailed the new scale as a fantastic move forward in ridding society of ableist terms like “Healthy Weight”, “Massive Coronary Event”, “Type 2 Diabetes”, and “Died From Massive Overdose Of MacDonald’s Fries and 165 Ounces Of Coke.”
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Or free of charge, if you’re still fit enough to run out of the store with it . . . and identify as a certain sort of person.
Once you understand they want you dead in any way possible, this makes complete sense.
I won’t die at a young age anyway. I missed my shot at that a long time ago.
The scale is a trick! It has a reset button that only works if you stand on the scale and reach down and stick your sausage finger in a hole to press. You have to reset it each weigh in or it automatically starts beeping ‘fat ass, fat ass, fat ass’ and hurts your massive feelings. Also, the scale is equipped to recognize and reject actual sausage, so just go ahead and eat it already.
You forgot the part about the scale’s WiFi feature that reports the weigh in results to the State. (Motivation for this comment comes from a recent incident where a family member was dog sitting for a relative and got bit on the hand trying to get something out of the dog’s mouth. It was lucky there were 2 of us who took her to the ER-I spent over 20 minutes filling out the required dog bite form that the ER was obligated to send to the State. All the while car jacking, retail theft, and assorted crimes continue to occur while the State is out to lunch).
Are those hobbit feet? Yikes…