GROVELAND, IL – Pierce County’s District Attorney has opened prosecution against an eight-year-old boy who reportedly terrorized two burglars robbing his parents’ mansion.
The young boy by the name of Kevin McAllister was apparently home alone when the perpetrators attempted to sneak into the estate. McAllister sprang into action with a series of ingenious attacks, including blowtorches, paint cans, and a tarantula.
“The child engaged in cruel, vicious behavior that could have seriously injured the two gentlemen known as the ‘Wet Bandits’ ,” said District Attorney Ansel Hayden. “McAllister literally smashed Marv’s face with an iron, when Marv wished nothing more than to rob McAllister’s family while doing the child serious bodily harm.”
Hayden said the youth’s antics involved putting ice on the stairs, heating up doorknobs, and other tactics that put the men in peril. “What has society come to when a child can torture vagabonds just hungry for bread?,” wondered Hayden aloud. “I will not allow this county to fall victim to vigilantism.”
At press time, Hayden was preparing to file charges against the neighbor who stopped the kindly ‘Wet Bandits’ from biting off McAllister’s fingers.
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Take that , ya filthy animal !
The Babylon Bee hit it out of the park with this one. A truly unique Christmas present.
Guessing that the DA used to work up in Kenosha but found himself out of work after wasting two thirds of the annual budget prosecuting a kid for protecting himself.
Charges have been dropped, because the boy is transgender, and the burglars are old white men.
The Babylon Bee is just a hairs breadth shy of prophecy. If Home Alone we’re to occur in reality these days prosecution of the kid AND his parents would be a forgone conclusion.