TILLIE’S GENETICALLY-MODIFIED (GM) BEAN SOUP

I posted this recipe from my dear but departed mother-in-law Tillie several years ago. I’ve changed it slightly to conform to TBP standards of gloom and doom about EVERYTHING.

—-2 CUPS BEANS (soaked overnight). I use the 15-bean variety to insure I inject as many GM legumes into my body as I possibly can.

DRAIN AND WASH BEANS, ADD 2 QTS WATER, AND HAM BONE. Check to make sure the pigs have been fattened properly with GM grains prior to being slaughtered.

—-ADD: 2 TSP SALT, 3 STALKS GM CELERY CHOPPED, 2 BAY LEAVES, 1/2 TSP THYME, AND 1/2 TBL PARSLEY. SIMMER 2 HRS COVERED. REMOVE HAM FROM BONE AND DISCARD BONE.

—-ADD: 16 OR 32 OZ CAN WHOLE TOMATOES (I USE A ONE-POUND GM TOMATO THAT’S AS BIG AS A FUCKING PUMPKIN), 1/2 TSP RED PEPPER, 2 GM CHOPPED ONIONS, AND 2 CLOVES GM GARLIC WHICH LOOK LIKE POTATOES. SIMMER TWO MORE HOURS UNCOVERED.

—-ADD: 2 CHICKEN BREASTS CHOPPED. I use saline-injected chicken breasts which have been fed a steady diet of smashed GM corn kernels as big as a fucking silver dollar. ALSO 1 LB HOT ITALIAN SAUSAGE CHOPPED. Be sure the sausage contains enough GM shit to send the calorie count beyond 1,000 per ounce. SIMMER 30 MINUTES.

Makes enough soup to ensure nose hair will form big black clumps in your nostrils within 30 days or your money back.