I’ve been reading this guy James Altucher, a damn fine writer, several years now. Here -http://www.jamesaltucher.com/
His amazing heartfelt article below titled, “THERE’S NO PAINLESS WAY TO KILL YOURSELF” caused me to reflect on my own such thoughts over the years.
Mostly I’ve had thoughts in the past such as “I wish I were dead!” I guess that’s not the same as “I want to kill myself”. Or, is it? I don’t know, but it might be.
The first time was around 3rd grade. I had zero friends … for years since we arrived in America. No one in our Newark neighborhood — predominately Polish, Jewish, Italian, and Russian — wanted anything to do with the Nazi family (as they perceived us) in the neighborhood. Not knowing English I didn’t know jackshit what was being taught in Catholic school. I got bad grades. Very bad. My dad would kick my ass when I brought home a bad report card. One day I brought home a particularly bad one. We lived in a 3rd floor apartment. As I heard him come up the stairs I ran to my room, and hid under the bed, absolutely terrified. I distinctly remember as if it were yesterday how I wished I were dead. The evening did not end well for me.
The second time was around 11th grade. Stuff that happened in Catholic school finally came home to roost. Don’t want to go into the details but you can use your imagination. It was the only time I actually attempted suicide. My parents were gone to visit friends about an hour away. I sealed the garage, pulled out a lounge chair, had a bottle of Vodka (for courage), turned on the car … guzzled a large amount of Vodka, and closed my eyes. Fortunately for me, I suppose, my parents came home several hours earlier than expected.
The last time was when I got divorced after 19 years of marriage. In a nutshell I let her keep ALL the assets, and I took ALL the debts, which were significant. You know that saying,”he doesn’t have a pot to piss in”? That was me, overnight. But, the worst part was that my ex-wife decided that I was actually possessed by Satan (she meant that literally), and that contact with my two sons should cease. I don’t want to get into the reasons why I didn’t fight it except to say I thought it was best for DN and SJ to not be involved in ugly fighting between parents. Then 9-11 happened and within the year the software company I was heavily involved with went belly up. No job. No money. No kids. And when all that happens you eventually wind up with “no friends”. I was never more down, and I wished I could just die.
Thankfully, I no longer harbor any such thoughts. Probably because I am a masochist. I WANT to be around when the shit hits the fan. I WANT to see bankerfuks and their ilk hang from lampposts. I WANT to be part of that process. Lol
But the real reason is probably because I simply don’t give a shit about material things anymore. My kids are grown and on their own. What the hell do I need a lot of shit for? I don’t. I appreciate the little I have without wanting to have more. Except for my new food dehydrator. That little fucker brings me great joy. I made strawberry rollups the other day. LIFE IS GOOD!!!
I hope you all don’t think this is a morbid post. It is what it is. My life, that is. I’m guessing there won’t be many responses. Who the hell wants to admit they ever even THOUGHT about offing themselves? Lol I hope I’m wrong, though. Maybe you can share your general thoughts about the topic. Or, stories you know about other people.
How shall I then live now? My pal Jeebus said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Later on it is written, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”.
That’s my ultimate GOAL, to live like that … but it IS difficult with the Amerika I used to love crumbling all around me. That’s the final reason I don’t dream of offing myself. I have this teeny tiny sliver of hope that America will be restored once again … and I want to be around to see it, if possible.
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THERE’S NO PAINLESS WAY TO KILL YOURSELF
I gave my 11 year old daughter important advice the other day: there’s no painless way to kill yourself.
“What about with a gun?” she said.
I told her about a friend of mine who shot himself in the mouth. He put the gun in his mouth and pointed upwards towards the brain.
He missed.
He shot off half his face, he went blind in one eye, and he is now in a wheelchair.
If you type in “I Want to Die” into google, my website is the first result.
My first business I sold for $15 million. We built websites for entertainment companies. Bad Boy Records, Miramax, Time Warner, HBO, Sony, Disney, Loud Records, Interscope, on and on. Oh, and Con Edison.
Mobb Deep would hang out in my office. Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails would stop by. RZA from the Wu-Tang Clan would want to play chess. We even made a website for a brothel in Nevada. Then I saw that kids in junior high school were learning HTML. So I sold the business.
I bought an apartment for millions. I rebuilt it. Feng Shui! I bought art. I played a lot of poker. I began investing in companies. A million here. A few hundred thousand there.
Then I started more companies. Then I bought more things. Then I became an addict. The worst kind of addict.
From June 2000 until September, 2001 I probably lost $1 million a month. I couldn’t stop. I wanted to get back up to the peak. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to have $100 million so people would love me.
Writing this now I even feel like slitting my wrists and stomach. I have 2 kids.
I felt like I was going to die. That zero equals death. I couldn’t believe how stupid I had been. I lost all my friends. Nobody returned calls. I would go to the ATM machine – from $15 million to $143 left.
There were no jobs, There was nothing.
One weekend when I had $0 left in my bank account I called my parents to borrow money but they said “no”. “College was enough” they told me, even though I had ended up paying for every dime of college. That was the last time I spoke to my dad, who had a stroke six months later.
I tried meditation to calm down but it didn’t work. I never slept. I lost 30 lbs. I’m 5’9″. I went from 160 to 130. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I couldn’t move. I stopped having ideas. I cried every day.
There was never a moment when I didn’t feel sick. I had let my kids down. I would die and they would never remember me.
We moved 80 miles north of NYC with the tiny bit of money we took out of our apartment after being forced to sell at a million dollar loss. I couldn’t leave the house for three months. I was depressed. I gained back all my weight and then another 30 lbs.
Finally I had to either die or feed my family. I was forced to choose myself.
– I started to exercise every day. I started to eat better. One item for breakfast. A healthy lunch. Tiny dinner. No snacks.
– I started to sleep 9 hours a day.
– I started to only be around people who loved and supported me. I broke off all ties with anyone who I felt bad to be around.
– I wrote down ideas every day of articles I could write and about businesses I could start. Bit by bit I started to get paid to write. If you don’t exercise the idea muscle it atrophies.
– I decided I wanted to help people every day and be honest every day. I was grateful for my daughters. I was grateful for what I had. I didn’t fight reality or regret. This was my reality and I had to make the best of it.
– Every day I came up with ideas for new businesses. I had a waiter’s pad. I would go to a cafe at 6 in the morning with about 4 books and read for an hour or two and then start writing down ideas for new businesses, articles, etc.
– I started a hedge fund. I started a fund of hedge funds. I started a newsletter. I did deals. I made introductions every day, expanding my brand new network from scratch. At least 5 introductions a day.
– I got involved in a mental health company I sold for $41 million.
– I started a website, Stockpickr! which got millions of unique users. I found advertising for it. I sold it to thestreet.com
– I had made millions again from scratch.
Then I stopped using the fundamental techniques I described above. Every time I’ve lost money it’s because I squandered my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health.
I was really bad. I did everything you should not do. I was like an addict. Picture the worst abuses. That was me. Again.
And then I lost it all again. Everything. Agh!
I had to start over. I couldn’t even believe I had to start from scratch atgain.
Every day without fail I focus on physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. And it’s worked. I hope. I hope I don’t squander again.
People say it’s not about the end, it’s about the journey.
This is total BS.
It’s not about the journey and it never was.
It’s about right now. Right now is the only place you’ll ever be. Choose yourself not to waste it.
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http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2013/05/theres-no-painless-way-to-kill-yourself/