U.S.—The NBA announced Friday that for the upcoming basketball season, the league will be assigning an “adversity score” to overweight white dudes to help more of them get signed with professional basketball teams.
The score will take into account many environmental and biological factors, like the fact that they’re white guys who can’t jump and get winded while walking up a small flight of stairs. It will also take into account the fact that they don’t know anything about the fundamentals of the game and tend to shout things like “I’m open! Hey, I’m open!” even when they’re clearly not open. Finally, white dudes who scarf down whole bags of Cheetos daily, drink a six-pack of beer every night, and haven’t exercised in years will receive a “considerable boost” from the new weighted point system.
“We’ve been going about the draft and recruiting new players all wrong,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. “Teams have been objectively evaluating the skills, character, and overall quality of a player when they decide to sign him. They don’t consider all the factors that may have made a person a worse basketball player, such as the fact that he’s 150 pounds overweight, ten years past his prime, and hasn’t played basketball since junior high.”
“This will result in a fairer, more equitable system for all.”
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Well it’s about damn time!! 🙂
I want a six foot and under basketball association. All those great high school and college players could get a chance to shine.
Bob Cousy started one for 6 foot 4 inches and shorter. It ran several years.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Basketball_League
Next, let’s get white men who don’t look like fags and act like 70 IQ morans BACK in commercials ads (WITHOUT the black spouse and two niglets kids).
I really could imagine Albert Einstein as a point guard for the Chicago Bulls……with Richard Feynman as a power forward for the New York Knicks…..and Enrico Fermi announcing the game. Of course Stephen Hawking would have to officiate as the “professional courtesy” would be elbowed out of the way for sure.
dats Raciss
Dayum! I wish I could up vote the article a bazillion times but I know it is just satire…