Guest Post by Sven Henrich
I’m horrified. I’m sad. I’m upset. I’m grieving. I’m concerned. I’m full of questions. I’m angry. I’m all these things and more on the heels of the death of a 14 year old boy. On Friday we received the news via text. Our son’s best friend had died. He killed himself. At 14. With his entire life ahead of him.
His mother sent us a short text, she couldn’t speak she said, she was too distraught.
The impact on our family was immediate and harsh. My wife deeply upset, both of us confronted with the task of having to tell our son who is also 14 knowing this would deeply hurt him.
We are in shock. This was no casual acquaintance. This was a kid we had known since he was 11. I won’t use his real name, but I’ll call him Toby for purposes of this article. This was a great kid, he was smart, he was funny, he was outgoing. The boys spent lots of time together. In fact Toby had just stayed over for 4 days during the recent school break. We knew this kid well. But perhaps not well enough.
No 14 year old should feel so distraught to take their own life. No 14 year old should have to receive the news that their best friend has taken their own life.
It was a difficult conversation. Denial, anger, grief, despair, shock, the need for answers when there are few. After initial shock and disbelief our son broke down in tears. He misses his friend deeply. He wants answers.
How the hell could this have happened? What would drive a jovial, seemingly happy 14 year old to kill himself?
I saw no signs. My wife didn’t see any signs. Our son didn’t see any signs. His parents and siblings didn’t see any signs.
The next day our son wanted to stop by and see the parents to pay respect. It was a difficult decision to make. We had heard nothing since the initial text. The family was obviously distraught, they couldn’t speak about it the text had said.
To go would be to impose on a family at a time in utter grief. But to go would be to pay respect, to offer comfort. To go would be to get a glimpse of answers to reconcile, to cope, to understand.
It was a tough decision, but we decided to go and let our son knock on the door with flowers. The parents opened the door, they let us in, we all hugged. The atmosphere was dreadful, profound sadness.
I saw a broken father, I saw a devastated mother, I saw a destroyed family. A total tragedy. Still they welcomed us into their home, we offered what comfort we could, which was very little. What do you tell parents that just lost their child? How do you comfort them? Nothing will ever make them whole again. The guilt. The profound pain and sadness. The lack of answers, what prompted it. How could it have been prevented? How could he have been saved? But also how useless to ask these questions. The answers won’t bring their son back.
They had no warning. He killed himself while they were in the house. They found him, the ambulance came, they tried to revive him, it was too late. The trauma of finding your child like this, I can’t even fathom.
They are besides themselves. They have no answers. There were no signs.
But it turns out there were and they are starting to be found in the cesspool we call social media.
Our son contacted his friends seeking answers. Nobody knew anything, except two people. Two teenage girls. He had confided some things to them. But they didn’t tell anybody. A flash sense of discretion? Not old enough yet themselves to have the maturity to make that judgment? I can’t say, I can’t judge, they are also very young.
I can’t get into specifics as there is an ongoing police investigation and facts are still coming out, and frankly the facts don’t matter for now. What matters is that a young 14 year old boy became so filled with despair, fear, anger and God knows what else that he felt compelled to take his own life for issues that would not have mattered 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now.
Which brings me to two larger points I can draw from all this at this stage:
First off, and I’m speaking as a parent to other parents: We have no clue what these kids are up to on social media. Snapchat and Instagram, direct messages, group chats it’s a non stop pressure cooker of kids hyping each other up, creating drama, seeking attention, popularity or whatever. It’s a world of likes, retweets, popularity seeking, attention seeking, attention getting and reality gets warped in the process. Priorities lost, the online world becomes the dominant world that shapes perceived reality.
Kids are under pressure, their attention constantly drawn to the 24/7 social media cycle. It distracts, it emotionally warps reality, it creates drama where none is needed.
When I was in school I had my share of occasional challenges with other local kids. But at least I didn’t have to deal with the idiots when I went home after school. But these days it doesn’t stop when kids leave school for the day. Oh no, after school is when the real fun just begins, all afternoon, evenings, weekends, it’s non stop.
No wonder it becomes life consuming, no wonder it warps perceptions, no wonder it becomes all influencing and yes no wonder it becomes too much for some. And hence we now see a frightening trend. Google ‘rising teenage suicide’ and the results flood in.
Invariably you see reports that teenage suicide rates have increased dramatically over the past decade.
Well, it’s not hard to miss the obvious link:
It’s been 15 years since “The Facebook” was launched, and in this #CNBCClassic video we had Mark Zuckerberg on-air to discuss the future of the social media business. In 2004, his social networking site had 100,000 users. Today, Facebook has more than 2,000,000,000 users. pic.twitter.com/RaXcrw7AmY
— CNBC (@CNBC) December 1, 2019
The advent of social media. And this is where it’s all happening.
The first generation of children growing up on the internet, with social media in many cases their predominant form of communication and changing the rules of social interaction as we speak. Who knows what that does to their young minds.
Oh it’s bad enough seeing some adults turn into hateful ignorant idiots on social media. I’ve had my share. But I’m a grown man, I’m a big boy, I can handle it.
But tragically too many teens can’t.
And they are lost. Their pain unnoticed. The despair not recognized. Only until it is too late.
Don’t let it happen to you and to your child. We all bear responsibility. The way we conduct ourselves on social media. We need to be a good example, we need to teach, but we also need to be aware. We need to trust but verify. Newflash: Kids will lie even to their best friends.
As it turns out Toby’s girlfriend sensed something was off. The day before he died she contacted our son on Snapchat. She asked him: Do you sense anything wrong with Toby, he’s been acting strange. Our son hadn’t noticed anything, but asked Toby directly on Instagram. He said everything was fine. It wasn’t. This was the last time they messaged each other. Toby died the next day.
I’m horrified about the pain and anguish that his death has caused to his family, to our family and to all his young friends.
I’m sad about the life he will never get to experience, the many years still ahead of him, to fall in love, to develop, to grow, to start a family.
I’m also angry. I’m angry that this child was inflicted with so much pain and stress that he felt it necessary to take his own life.
All for what?
And yes, I’m also extremely frustrated. 4 days he spent at our home in November. I didn’t notice a thing even though we now know the pain was present for months in the social media trail. None of us picked up on anything.
Nobody who could’ve intervened noticed. Not us, not his parents, not the school, not most of his friends. Society failed this promising young boy.
Kids need our guidance, they also need our supervision and our example. And if the adults act like jerks on social media why should we expect kids to act any better?
I’m no expert on psychology, I’m just a parent that sees what these kids are exposed to and I see the tragedy that can come as a result. All I can say is pay attention, don’t assume anything, if access to social media is provided be sure you have access and monitor the conversations and messages. Nobody saw the signs because nobody was looking in the place where they were hiding. On social media. Above all make sure your child knows and feels comfortable to come to you when in distress, even when it is hard, especially when it is hard.
And therein lies perhaps the most disturbing message of this particular tragedy: Just because your child is at home does not mean your child is safe.
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I am to this day haunted by a 6th grade classmate I didn’t know very well. Linda Greco was found by her parents having hung herself in a backyard tree in 1966.
Over my life I’ve asked myself “why” hundreds of times.
Sadness and grief are wholly insufficient in describing the loss.
My condolences.
My boss’s 22 year old son has had two white, male friends commit suicide in the past year. Is it really any wonder? These kids spend hordes of time online where they’re told white people are devils, evil, even that white people SHOULD kill themselves. I’ve seen it myself but I’m old enough to know the agenda behind it. Many of these kids even hear this shit at school, from the other students and the teachers. Why do you think only little BOYS are ‘being transitioned’? White females are breeding stock for shitskins, white males are the opposition. Loxism is not okay.
Tell your kids, over and over, they are better than those the media exalts. Do it, do it now.
Wow. This EXACT same thing happened last year to a friend of mine who’s son was also 14 and took his own life while they were in the house. He called me right as it happened. I had known this child since he was still in his mother’s womb.
This boy also seemed well adjusted. But the secret life of kids today on social media is deep and disturbing.
I am so thankful my son and his friends were at the age that Facebook was still small enough, and smart phones way too expensive for kids in his age group to have, that this was not an issue for his peer group.
Children, and even young adults (25 and under) lack the maturity to understand that social media is not real life. If you shut your phone/i pad/lap top it just goes away and life continues on as if it nothing matters, which is the truth.
I had a conversation with a 22 year old not long ago, who is having dating troubles. He feels that every second of every date he has with every girl needs to be documented for the world to see.
“Why do you feel you have to do that? Isn’t it about you and the girl?”
“I guess I just want my friends to see me and be impressed.”
“But why? Don’t you just want to get to know this girl and have a relationship with her? It’s only about you and her, not your friends or where you go or what you do.”
“Yeah, but if she can’t hang with my friends and do what I like, or if she’s boring, then it won’t go anywhere.”
“You know social media is not real, right? That if you just walk away life keeps going on, the world keeps doing it’s thing?”
“I never thought about it like that”
“I suggest you do. Life is not SnapChat, or Instagram, or Facebook or any of that shit IT’S NOT REAL.”
Everyone is worried about the opioid crisis when what we maybe should be looking at is the absolute evil rot of social media. These kids think this is reality. That what the post, what others post, see, etc is the measuring stick of their lives. That the staged poses and seemingly blindingly happy people are real and that if they can pose the same, do the same things, and post it for the whole world to see, they will be happy and fulfilled.
I think it’s far too easy for social media to dehumanize us and in turn we no longer feel empathy or any sense of belonging.
The social break down of society is certainly been helped along with this kind of lifestyle if you can even call it that.
Bullies back in the day were dealt with swiftly and that was the end of it. You faced your bully, punched them in the nose, they went home crying and that was that.
Now they hide behind multiple apps and torture around the clock. The addiction is so strong that these poor kids cannot walk away, shut it off, shut it down.
It’s only going to get worse, not better.
Pray for us all.
“The addiction is so strong that these poor kids cannot walk away”
BULLSHIT…….it should not have been put in front of them to begin with
What parent in their right mind would allow their child unfettered 24/7/365 access AND GLADLY PAY FOR IT?? “Parents” throw the gadgets in front of the squatlings so they don’t have to.
Every institution in America has been degraded to the least common denominator of human trash. Why would algores invention be any different??
Why in the name of God would we expect a different outcome?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, but I wonder if you have kids and what ages they are.
13 & 24
day 43
The government, to include the public education system, simply a democratic representation of a majority of our country’s citizens, has publically outlawed the God of the bible and His love, ways and truths and replaced it with selfishness, greed, corruption, hopelessness or simply complete moral depravity in the name of the pursuit of happiness and human rights to destroy ourselves both individually and corporately.
Where the head goes the body will follow.
How horribly sad.
“where the head goes the body will follow.”
indeed – and our “head” is held captive.
Absolutely true… at 51, obviously I did not grow up with this forum of mendacity and our time was spent with other people if we wanted social interaction.
Our church had a wonderful youth group– complete with activities, events, youth choir, bible studies, retreats and trips..
We also joined bands, sports teams, swim club/teams, took art classes, writing workshops…the list is lengthy of healthy and elevating ways for teens to spend free time. Now it is WASTED hours, head tilted downward and hypnotized by the words and glow from their screens.
I LOATHE Facebook, Twitter, Snap, Instagram etc.. have never even opened an account, ever– I also never fail to “sideways” mock people who use them. My wife closed her Facebook account after a few years of my derision– what finally struck home with her was a simple question.
She justified her Facebook with, “I only use it to keep up with family out of state/country”.. I asked her offhandedly one day, “Don’t you have their phone numbers? when was the last time you heard their voice?” Now I catch her enjoying time talking to her sister, nephews etc on the phone for real in-depth contact ( laughing together, commiserating, empathy– human contact.)
I cannot begin to fathom the depth of sorrow these parents must feel.
My son is making poor choices that will certainly lead to an early health-related death. He is in his 20’s now and I have talked to him about the horror of burying one of your children. I hope he gets himself together but I can no longer impose my will on him.
Well,this is a sad article for sure.I will say also see to a degree social media might help kids who feel alone/lost in situations where parents either not present enough or kid feels uncomfortable talking with said parents.
Steve,you can no longer impose your will but hopefully can be there if your son needs help with what ails him,best of luck.
My young(ish) cousin, age 32, killed himself intentionally with a huge overdose of hydrocodone (upward of 30 to 50 Norco 10s, to be specific). He did this just hours after sending his young wife a text saying he would kill himself before he would agree to divorce and losing custody of his young son, Huck.
A shitty thing to do to everybody. Drugs really mess with the mind. My cousin has been on meds for depression/adhd/and all that… since old enough to be annoying. As a lot of our young folks have been.
Isn’t Ritalin simply a different delivery system for meth amphetamine?
I had a friend whose wife killed herself in the most awful way possible (gunshot in the bedroom, his side of the bed) and left the mess for him to find. The ultimate gotcha. The ultimate selfish act.
When I was a kid and was being punished for something I’d sometimes lay in bed and fantasize about how bad my parents would feel should I die. I visualized myself watching their grieving faces as they looked at my pitiful corpse and knew that they were very sorry for not having treated me better. Then I’d come to my senses and realize that, being dead, i couldn’t experience their remorse and would have to come up with other ways of making them feel bad for punishing me. Yes, that was how my kid brain worked back then and I imagine I’m not unique.
The drama (whatever it may be) takes over reality and consumes people, especially kids. Kids have no experience to draw on and everything is immediate and eternal, they don’t truly grasp the concept of ‘this too shall pass’ and get caught up in the moment which is endless and has no hope. Many also don’t fully realize the finality of death and often a suicide attempt is a call for help. Sadly, many attempts are successful.
As to drugs, those and social media are a toxic brew.
I’m sorry to hear that, Steve. I wish good luck to you and your family.
I think the social media phenom has created a whole new level of lonely for young people. It is probably the next step after mankind disconnects from his physical liebensraum. Now that their closest of friends might be located on the opposite side of the planet (round or flat), there is no genuine sense of closeness.
And, of course, we all know the friendships are pseudo-friendships unless there are foundations for true friendship established. The young people now communicate nonstop almost 24/7 and they do not pay attention to the obvious demeaning of meaning.
What’s in a name?
Sometimes, it is the sum total of an entire nation’s character declaring support for one honest man who might step forward and renew faith in the value of personal integrity over tyranny.
Is there one such honest man?
From my own personal experience in my past, looking at it in retrospect, it all came down to a sense of hope for an escape. Alone in my home with my mother, it was either going to be me or her that was going to end up dead. Home was NOT the safe place to escape the horrors of life, but rather the locus of most of the problems. Had it not been for the fact that things were coming to a head during my senior year of high school (I was 15 at the time), and the prospect of going off to college provided the exit I desperately needed, I have no doubt that tragedy would have been the outcome. HOME absolutely MUST be the place of refuge, for it is the only truly stable thing left. If you have not made your children the most important thing, and let them know it with DEEDS, EMOTIONS, ACTIONS, etc. (meaning, not just words – I got LOTS of worthless words), then they know they have no safe harbor into which they can retreat when the rest of the bullshit has filled their days and their lives.
And I can only imagine how much worse it would have been for me had social media and the non-stop war against boys, been raging while I was that age.
It’s horrible and every parent’s worst fear. Suicide rates by sex by year (for context):
https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/66/wr/mm6630a6.htm
Clearly the recent (past 10 years) uptick is the result of social media influence. But to my point, girls (certainly in the period shown on the chart), have always had an escape route (pregnancy and husband, pregnancy and welfare check, etc.) to give them “hope.” For males, the responsibilities and expectations just keep increasing over time.
Males have always had much higher rates. That’s part of why society as a whole doesn’t care. If females increased by half the distance to the male rate, it would be a ‘national emergency’.
A rudderless, malignant society being poisoned from within, full of cultural rot with no role models, and undermining of the family and traditional values and a constant stream of guilt and shame broadcast 24×7 through all forms of media will produce despair and suicide in high rates, just as it did in Wiemar Germany. This isn’t by accident; it’s by design.
” You are correct!” It’s the Plan of The Evil Fuckers.
“What would drive a jovial, seemingly happy 14 year old to kill himself?”
simple. relentless propaganda that there is no god, that one’s own feelings and desires and emotions are the sole measure of meaning, of life, of morality, of reality itself, results in a total loss of all rational hope. that’s why.
“I saw no signs. My wife didn’t see any signs. Our son didn’t see any signs. His parents and siblings didn’t see any signs.”
why would there be? he didn’t kill himself out of panic. if there is no god, then everything is meaningless. sure he has his whole life ahead of him, but if it doesn’t mean anything then so what? and why tell anyone? there’s nothing to say.
You’re right gman.
Author: “How could he have been saved?”
Great question. Few want the answer.
Having “skimmed” the replies, I with “MrLiberty and TC. I would like to add, however, an item that is blatently absent and that is the issue of “Removing Parental Control” through the “Legal System” when, in the 90’s, the Children were told to call the Police if their parents raised a hand or threatened them! If one looks back to when this all took place one might notice the first rise in the CDC’s graph. Children started killing themselves and each other. One might even consider them a “Rudderless Ship”. They are called “Children” for a reason and prohibited from doing certain things (ones that require “judgement”) for a reason. In some cases, those age limits are still to low. Social media seems to have come into play as the “Children” started to look for other sources of advice and direction. There will always be suicides, murders, stealing and other egregious actions but the true effort will have to be to get these “Tragedies” to a minimum. It may be important to remember that the vast majority of what we do and experience adheres to a Gaussian Distribution (The “Bell-shaped Curve”) but we did better before all of us were “managed” by the TV and the Media (Propaganda at its best, also called “Marketing”).
I turned Rush off after 1992 election, TV shortly after that. Peter Jennings was the last news anchor I watched regularly, died AUG 2005 (had to Epic)
All media poisons the mind, I’m careful what I consume from the internet, even here @ TBP.
Long time reader, first time poster.
I came across this article some years back, now in my personal folder I pull out and read annually.
https://www.gwern.net/docs/culture/2010-dobelli.pdf
That is a great link, thanks .
Thanks TXsodbuster. Sodbuster was the handle my dad chose during the 1976 CB heyday as we traveled out of Nebraska. Good article. I did find an error though: Britney Spears is overrated. IPCC reports are underrated.
One simple thought sums it up: news today is nothing but propaganda.
cultural collapse portends empire collapse. combine govt suicide numbers with the numbers of suicide by alcohol, suicide by meth, etc. and we are probably nearing post-soviet russia. we’re just now picking up speed into the abyss, it gets a lot worse from here. the funny thing is under putin’s direction, russian has severely cut alcohol consumption and greatly increased christianity from it’s soviet lows. the exact opposite of (((our))) society.
only one slice of the pie advocates for clean living, for exercise, for avoiding debt, avoiding tattoos and sleeping around. against degeneracy and decadence. for family, community, culture and people. and the mainstream labels it fringe.
do what’s best for your sons.
Tragic. I can’t imagine the pain. I hope their relationship survives, many don’t after such a loss. I wish all these platforms would go away. Have they made our lives better? I don’t see that people are happier, more intelligent, better connected with this things. I know I am speaking out of my hat here, as I am older, no real experience with them. All I do know is I could spend all day fishing with a friend or two and maybe pass 10 words between us the whole day. I still have those friends today, we don’t speak often, no more than we did then, we don’t have to. There is a connection there beyond words certainly nothing a text would produce.
If your kids aren’t in public schools, the cell phone is not so important. Give them a “dumb” phone if they even need a phone with them. I still don’t have a cell phone. They simply don’t need one. And threaten them if need be to keep them off social media on the computer.
It all boils down to building up healthy, positive SELF-ESTEEM. And that happens in the very formative years. It is the protective armor needed to live a happy, productive and purposeful life. (Now let’s observe what happens when mandatory universal pre-K kicks in.)
Self-esteem or the lack there of is what ended this young life. Just the opposite is required. Christ-esteem.
What kind of life is centered around self? A selfish one. A life grounded in Christ shifts the focus from self onto God and what He would have us pay attention to.
Self-esteem is the psychological poison which permeates humanity to its core.
Philippians 2:3 KJB… “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.”
There is an support group for parents who’ve lost a child, any age, any reason. http://www.compassionatefriends.org
My harvard educated friend gave his daughters their first iphones at age 2…basically as a babysitter. They gotta learn was his excuse. Its the parents fault, plain and simple. Kids should not have them until they can pay for them and the associated plan. But parents are lazy. Oh i gotta be able to call so i know where they are. You should know before they go. Frikkin ridiculous.
Paradoxically, the reaction to things like this will be to “do something” to protect the children. What children really need is the grown up knowledge that the real world is not nice, not safe, & is full of predators. And a lot of your “friends” really don’t give a shit about you, & you can’t tell which are which on social media. For boys especially, the dark world is out there & you must make yourself strong & wise to survive it, because you will be the point man for your family when you grow up.
Anyway, a 14 year old is a “child” because we have devised a system that artificially extends adolescence. It is common among us old farts to look at the upcoming generation & say, “Geeze, aren’t these kids ever going to grow up?” The smartass answer is, “Why would they?” But I think the real answer is, “How? They don’t even know what that means.”
Philip, king of Macedon, had to travel to another kingdom for an important meeting w/ other kings. Rather than leave a general in charge, he left his son, Prince Alexander in command. Emboldened by the news that the warrior king was away, a group of bandits attacked a village some distance from the capitol. When he got the news, Prince Alexander ordered the troops to saddle up & rode to the village at once. Upon arrival, he led his men into battle & killed two bandits himself. He was 14. That’s Alexander the Great; why yes, he was exceptional. But the point is that he was READY to do this because he had been TAUGHT HOW.
Our sons have been cast adrift.
A couple of more recent examples that I contend that we should consider people from the age of 12 as adults, and learning responsibility until around age 21 they are fully competent adults,
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Farragut
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-boy-who-became-a-world-war-ii-veteran-at-13-years-old-168104583/
Went from helicopter parenting to autoplilot parenting. Next up AI drone parenting.
I am the sole carer for my soon to be 11yo son. I have just used this terrible experience as a teaching tool for him, an education I have been working on since he became internet savvy. Thank you to Sven for having the courage to go public with this awful experience, perhaps a tiny amount of benefit may be had by others because of it.
I was 16 and called a close friend. His sister answered and was very rude. Very unlike her. I was angry at her for being so rude. She never answered me and i wanted to ride the one mile on my bike to see if my friend was home and also confront her for being so rude. She was always nice except that day. I nearly went then decided i was too tired and did not go. At 7pm that nite i found out she hung herself about 2 hours before on the patio. I called at 4:30pm. If I had gone she would have been interrupted. I always assumed I was the last person she spoke with. You would think the police would have checked calls and interviewed me. I did not realize at the time but i had ptsd for a few years after this and nobody knew because i felt guilty and never told anyone i had called. I now wish they did and would have maybe offered counseling. The guilt I have is never ending. I do not think about it much today, 35 years later but when I do it is so sad, she was so young. Many told me also I may have been the one to find her and that would have been more traumatic. It changed me forever. I was always shy but after that i found i was more astute and open to feelings and aware. She was 17, old at the time as i was 14. Everyone tried blaming her 19 yr old boyfriend. I now feel bad for him. So sad people cannot depend on family to open up and find solutions and ask for help vs ending it all.
The people who REALLY intend to kill themselves, rarely make their intentions known. It is the folks generally looking for attention or someone to stop them, then generally show all the “signs.” Outwardly, I was never showing signs, and if that had been my direction, I most certainly would NOT have made it obvious enough that someone might have intervened to stop me. And none of this slide begins overnight. Suicide comes at the end of a very long, dark road.