FRANKLIN, WI—Local man Braden Davis headed to Home Depot this morning in hopes of completing a few house projects his wife had assigned him over a month ago.
Davis raced through the store and was able to find most of the items on his list with ease, which made him feel super manly. However, he ran into a little trouble when he went to look for an axe he needed in order to split some wood in his backyard.
“Excuse me,” he said to a sales associate, feeling really embarrassed to be a man asking for help at a hardware store. “I need help finding an axe. My wife gave me strict orders to split all the logs in our yard by Monday or she’ll cancel my fantasy football league. You think this bad boy will do the trick?” Davis was sure he was holding the correct tool for the job. “Well what you’re holding in your hand is a tiny axe for children, so that’s not going to work,” the middle-age female associate explained. “I’d go with this guy right here,” she said, holding up a beautiful 8-pound wood-splitting maul.
Just then a little piece of Davis’ masculinity died, and he realized how much of a girl he was. The associate proceeded to demonstrate to Davis how to properly handle the maul, easily lifting it above her head. Davis was embarrassed, and he hoped nobody was watching.
On his way to check out, Davis noticed two teenagers pointing at him and laughing; but he just continued on, checked out, and exited the store.
“You are one sorry excuse for a man,” Davis whispered to himself as he got into his car and turned on some Coldplay.
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Most of the associates the Home Depot hires are ever sorrier excuses.
IGNORE – WOT.
I felt smart going in with the aisle and bin number. Ended up in lumber. Had to ask where the item was. Evidently, plumbing does not have an aisle, it is against the north wall.
Later that evening, I walked naked into my wife’s room,
“My dick is gettin thinner.”
“It looks the same to me.”
“No, it used to have a bit more girth. At his rate, I am going to end up with a little pencil dick.”
I just can’t get my “head” around how this applies to the article.
Silly goose, that EC; just being able to make it into the Home Depot as an achievement to crow about.
The “little pencil dick”commentary; maybe too much public self disclosure. Sure beats an actual TBP show-and-tell on the subject.
I did not know my comment was going to be too profound for some readers, I meant that I felt diminished as a man for having to ask for directions at the man store and I needed the Sexy Mulatta’s validation which is never forthcoming. You can’t ask her if you look macho, if you have to ask…
Maybe you guys don’t know the ancient code of machismo, the only two areas where men need reassurance is our hair and our dick. I tried, no dice.
Your new name is No. 2
I guess Mark describing motorboating innocent women is okay?
Obviously, this never happened. Pure fiction. A fantasy by a feminist writer who managed to sneak her way into the Babylon Bee
Five years ago I went into a Home Depot to buy some bailing wire. Plain old steel utility wire to bundle some things together. I couldn’t find it. Asked a clerk. He had never heard of “bailing wire”. He asked another clerk. Nope. Never heard of it. Even after I described that I just wanted some generic, steel wire, they were puzzled, and finally told me that whatever it was, they didn’t carry it.
Thus endeth an age of pragmatic talent among men.
It’s in the aisle by the lath and concrete products.
Go to tractor supply company
Needing an axe made me think of this, would have asked which side to use.