BOCA GRANDE, FL—Fox News host Tucker Carlson has been going back and forth with the NSA, with the television commentator insisting the NSA is spying on him. The agency, however, has denied the claim, saying, “We at the NSA are not spying on you and have never spied on you” in a tinny, muffled voice coming from his toaster this morning.
“I just can’t believe the NSA would spy on me,” Carlson muttered while eating his typical breakfast of two dozen eggs, fourteen strips of bacon, and a full tub of pre-workout powder.
“We are not spying on you,” his toaster replied indignantly.
“What the –” Carlson shouted, jumping up and spilling bacon everywhere.
“We at the NSA are not spying on you and have never spied on you. We know nothing about you, like for instance that you enjoy the occasional slice of avocado toast with your breakfast, or that you have a tiny Tweety Bird tattoo on your lower back. We cannot know these things because we do not spy on American citizens without the proper court authorization. Have a great day!”
A freaked-out Carlson smashed the toaster to pieces with his bare fist and proceeded to frantically destroy appliances.
The NSA has said they are sorry for the incident and gifted Tucker with a hollowed-out wooden statue of Trump with suspiciously moving eyes by way of apology.
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Instead of closing Gitmo (and with the permission of Cuba), I think we should massively expand it (unless we can open Devil’s Island again) and fill it with every past and current employee of the FBI, CIA, and NSA. Maybe somebody will get the message with such a move.