Garland Appoints Special Counsel To Cover Up Biden’s Crimes

Via The Babylon Bee

U.S. — In a press conference today, Attorney General Merrick Garland announced he will be appointing a new special counsel, David C. Weiss, to investigate the Bidens and then cover up all their crimes.

“I have given Mr. Weiss full power and authority to investigate Hunter Biden and the Biden family. We must conduct a thorough investigation so we can know which crimes to sweep under the rug,” said Garland. “After a thorough inquiry, Mr. Weiss will be in charge of destroying all evidence, bringing no serious charges, and granting Hunter Biden immunity forever. He is a man of the utmost integrity and I trust him to do this job to the best of his ability.”

The new Special Counsel will be given access to all damning evidence of corruption and bribery against the President, which he will retain and then destroy. All remaining witnesses will then be invited to a surprise paddle-boarding party at the President’s beach estate.

Former President Trump, who nominated David Weiss to his DA position in Delaware, reacted on Truth Social, saying: “MILKTOAST GARLAND HAS APPOINTED DAVID WEISS AS ‘SPECIAL COUNCIL’ TO INVESTIGATE LITTLE HUNTER’S CRIMES AND TRUST ME — WEISS IS NOT EVEN THAT SPECIAL. HE’S A PHONY PROSECUTOR WHO’S BEEN HIRED TO TOTALLY LET THE BIDENS GO FREE! SAD!”

At publishing time, President Biden had thanked the Special Counsel for his outstanding service to the nation and wired him some bribe money.

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12 Comments
Anonymous
Anonymous
August 12, 2023 2:41 pm

The Bee really aren’t even kidding on this one. For all intents and purposes, the headline is true.

Just-Us in da house.

AKJOHN
AKJOHN
  Anonymous
August 12, 2023 3:02 pm

Yes. The only truthful post I have seen today, probably in a week.

Anonymous
Anonymous
  AKJOHN
August 12, 2023 5:48 pm

Since Nov. 2020

ursel doran
ursel doran
August 12, 2023 3:25 pm

“The governments now fear the rising of the people which is inevitable post 2024. Our freedoms are vanishing. This is why EVERY government will act like a cornered animal when they sense their power is slipping through their fingers.”

Interesting Times

Eud
Eud
August 12, 2023 4:50 pm

Summary:
Dorothy turned psycho Karen and appointed The Scarecrow as Special Counsel over the Wizard of Blobs narrative.

KJ
KJ
  Eud
August 12, 2023 5:28 pm

Was this supposed to be clever?

Eud
Eud
  KJ
August 12, 2023 5:39 pm

I behold her.

KJ
KJ
August 12, 2023 5:29 pm

Conniving jews everywhere.

Anonymous
Anonymous
August 12, 2023 5:48 pm

I thought the Bee was suppose to be fake news you could trust? Why isn’t this on Not the Bee instead?

YourAverageJoe
YourAverageJoe
August 12, 2023 7:18 pm

I don’t think they’re kidding either.
Every fuck that had a Biden sign in the yard.

Simplecarpenter
Simplecarpenter
  YourAverageJoe
August 13, 2023 2:04 pm

And we fucking begged them to please for the love of God pull their heads out of their asses before they blow what little was left of the whole goddamn thing up but did they give our plea’s a moments consideration ? “How about Nooooo !!! ” Screw em , not a hater but I can certainly understand the sentiment having been so thoroughly just disrespected/ insulted / dismissed by these “people” when I was right all along and they still want to gaslight the shit WTF kinda sociopathy is this ? Amirite ?

Clint
Clint
August 13, 2023 1:28 am

In addition to the wiring of bribe money it was asked if Special Prosecutor Weiss has any young daughters who would like a tour of the White House shower.