BEVERLY HILLS, CA—After Kevin Hart was forced out as Oscar host over decade-old jokes that were deemed homophobic, the Oscars committee was scrambling to find a replacement that absolutely no one would find offensive.
Well, it looks like they found their man: a boom box that will play entirely inoffensive, calming ambient noise throughout the ceremony.
The traditional opening monologue, according to sources, will just be a track dubbed “Amazon Rainforest.” Oscars attendees will be soothed by the sounds of rain falling in a lush rainforest as pictures of idyllic locations will be played on a screen. Stagehands will be ready to charge onstage and tackle the boom box, should anyone become upset by its tranquil sounds.
After each part of the ceremony, the boom box will be placed on stage, and an assistant will cue up a cassette tape with a different track to help everyone at the Oscars feel safe, warm, and loved. Of course, the boom box is not sentient and so cannot actually announce the presentation of any awards. The Oscars committee says this is by design, as no one will be offended by not getting an award.
I spit on the Oscars, the un American trash that comprises Hollywood and the people who support them by paying to watch their Godless, pornographic, antiwhite filth.
I never watch it. Overpaid actors who read lines off cue cards or screens. Spewing anti-American crap every chance they get. Weird bunch of sick super perverts.
I’m offended.
Kevin, the nigger card ain’t enough. Shit man you gots ta be a queer commie ,too. Hey man you a smart nigga you be up fo a 3way when dey git done wif you.