I was at the hospital last night. Ms. Freud’s breathing was labored. Her oxygen level was at 91% … not great, but not terrible either. When I left at midnight I told her I would be back early in the morning. She took my hand, pressed it to her lips, and kissed me goodbye. I told her I loved her more than life itself, and to hang in there, and that we will get through this. I said to her, “Sweetheart, I look forward to us sitting on the porch, eating breakfast, and watching the deer. I love you.” And then I left without turning around … because it’s so difficult to see her in distress … and leaving seems like abandonment.
Woke up this morning. Saw I had a message on the phone. It was her daughter Joy from Chicago. She’s crying hysterically. She says she and Craig are flying out today to come to the hospital.
Turns out Ms Freud had another respiratory crash. A serious one. They had to move her to the ICU unit to incubate her. Or, she would have died. So, they are keeping my beloved alive until Joy and Craig get there. And then what??? Will they just turn off the machine and let her suffocate to death? Or, will they give her a drug to stop her heart? Can I be in the same room WHEN THEY KILL HER?? Craig talked to the doctor and asked if there’s any hope for recovery. “No.”
Did I get my last kiss from Ms Freud last night? When I go to the hospital will she hear my crying voice begging her to fight through this? Will she be able to hear one last time my promise to never ever leave her, to always take care of her. To be her best friend and lover? Or, is her brain already dead?
From the very day of her heart surgery I told her, “Don’t be afraid my love. Where you go, I will be there with you.” I plan on keeping that promise. I cannot live in this world without the love of my life. I don’t want to. There is nothing, absolutely nothing in this life I look forward to without her. I am all used up. A carcass that breathes, I had a good run. Now it’s time to fold up the tent. Don’t cry for me. We had fun, we had seasons in the sun. But, Ms Freud is waiting for me on the other side.
Farewell.
Dear Stucky,
Who ever you are, my prayer is that you will come to see and understand there is a spiritual war going on over your sole. Satan is the destroyer of everything God created, including you, I and everyone else. We let him into our life through sin. Everyone of us are guilty, except one -Jesus, the one and only Christ.
Please consider this:
The sin that brought you to the point of wanting to die with the love of your life is that you idolize her, put her before the Lord, your God, who you previously professed. You’ve convinced yourself that you can’t live without her. More likely, Satan has deceived you in your despair.
I don’t know what God would have for you to do. I know you are tired, spent, and sick of this earthly life. However, you are gifted, filled with compassion for others, and God has a plan for your remaining years. Return to the faith you once had, put your trust in Jesus Christ, and experience the joy of your salvation.
God wants you to live, I want you to live, many people on this site want you to live. We weep with you at your loss. And, many of us have experienced the kind of pain you’re are experiencing. That pain will decrease as you put your trust in Jesus, the Word of God.
Love,
John
No words and yet censored, even grief is censored.
Prayers.
Hi Stuck – sorry for your troubles and pain.
Life has its ups and downs. Mine sure as hell has. What you are going through is the worst life has to offer.
But it is not always worst. There are roses, too. And there are still roses to come for you. You still have family, both by blood and by TBP.
You are my friend. I am thinking of you, and wish you nothing but the best.
This is the worst of times for you, and I grieve with you. But remember in the springtime there will still be roses for you, and anyone that loves you, including Mrs Freud, will want you as many chances to smell them as are possible.
Take care, my friend.
Stucky, hang in there my friend, we’re all praying for you.
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.
“Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I’m aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don’t understand why, when I need you most, you leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testing. When you saw only one set of footprint, It was then that I carried you.”
Footprints has always made me break down because it is so true. Every little bit of it.
I thought of that poem on the lowest day of my life and when I asked Jesus to carry me, the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders and my life changed for the better. Twenty years later and He still walks with me and I with Him.
Stucky,
I don’t know you from Adam. Live.
If you are a believer, you know you cannot end your life. You will never see Ms Freud again.
Do. Not. Surrender.
Mike
Hang in there, Stucky.
Trials and tribulations always have a refining effect on the soul. Whether the effect is positive or negative depends on the individual. Why cut short your time on earth to kick against the pricks, harangue the morally deficient and all the other rabble rousing, socially incorrect acts of non comformity at your command while you draw breath and retain the capacity. Consider also that offing oneself can be construed as a selfish act. Anyway, we all have to decide for ourselves how to conduct our lives. May your GOD lead you down the path of your best interest.
You tell her you love her, it’s ok to let go and you will join her shortly. She may not hear you but she will feel you.
Peace to both.
Prayers to you, my brother. Take your time but don’t go. You aren’t done with us yet.
Praying and crying with you Stuck.
Peace n Love for you and Mrs. Freud.
May God walk between you and harm in all the dark places you must walk.
Shalom !
Heartbreaking…
I am sure your writings means a lot for many people – that you will never know – and never meet – but many have surely awed after reading your incredably interesting posts – like me – I have a folder in my bookmarks with your name on it – Stucky.
One of the most sharp and beautiful pens in the Inernet – clearly up there with Uncola and others.
Remember… things always change with time – hang in there… the trick is to after a while fill life with new things again while the old become a beautiful memory – like you would have wanted it for others – and me too.
Hang on and please do not stop posting – take a break – but come back.
Gates of Vienna did suffer the same 2019 – but he is now back after the death – never did stop posting really but instead wrote about the whole ordeal.
Here is a link…
Best wishes from Sweden anyway…
Somewhere Out There · Lucy Kaplansky
Somewhere out there in the world tonight
Just out of my reach
I hear your heart beat
It’s coming in loud and clear tonight
Pounding in my brain
Calling out your name
And in the darkness something binds you to me
So that I can find you
When you want me I will be there waiting on you
Somewhere out there
Somewhere out there in your heart tonight
Where I have never gone
You are not alone
It’s tearing me apart all right
But darling what can I do
When I’m so far from you
And when I lay me down to sleep
My one and only prayer is you’ll keep
Safe from harm until I get wherever you are
Somewhere out there
Somewhere out there
SOLO
And if you’re sad or if you’re lonely
If you’re scared or if you’re only
Tired of fighting, seeking shelter
Just hold on, I’m somewhere out there
Somewhere out there
Somewhere out there in the world tonight
Just out of your reach
You’ll hear my heart beat
You’ll hear my heart beat
You’ll hear my heart beat
May God walk between you and harm in all the dark places you must walk.
I hope I read this wrong. If not please listen.
Suicide is as destructive to surviving family as it gets. You’ll tear a wound into your loved ones that they may not be able to move on from. DO NOT DO ANYTHING RASH. All you have done in life, all the love you’ve shared will be overshadowed by a cruel, thoughtless, selfish end.
I’m not praying … I’m imploring. Your family will desperately need you with them to cope with the loss of your wife, their mother. They need you at this transition. I KNOW THIS! At age 45 my mother carried me through the death of my father, though I thought at the time that I was the one being strong for her. I look back now that she too is gone and see how she remained the Mother to her child. She got me through one more transition, one more struggle …. one more time.
You have a duty to perform Dad. Get up and face this. Stand with your family and mourn with your family. You all need to share this struggle together.
Honor your wife and the family you created by being there for her now and your children as you all move forward in time. This is the commitment you made.
HONOR IT SIR!
He has come back to tell us he refrained and is at the hospital with his wife. Keep praying and thank you so much for caring!
I hope and pray that whatever happens, Stuck finds the way out of the darkness. There is no easy path through grief.
Spent an hour on the piano until I heard voices. May have been the peyote.
I’m sorry this happened, Stucky. I know you’re in agony. All you can do is try to take things a day at a time.
Stucky, may you be aware of your many friends who have you and your family in our prayers.
I’ve been out of pocket today and just saw this and read through the thread.
There are no words.
But I’ll try anyway…
You’ve been through the ringer, Stuck. And my hope is that, at some point, you’ll be as kind to yourself as you are to those whom you love. In the meantime, consider focusing upon that for which you are grateful and let these be a counterweight to your grief. Life is beautiful, bro. Truly. May the awareness of that now transcend your pain.
Stucky,
I lost my first wife to non hodgins lymphoma 15 years ago, and almost did not survive because I thought I could not live without her.
I ultimately decided that that she would not want me to end my life so I did not.
Somehow I stayed, and met someone who healed my soul, and later married me. We have been married now for over 10 years and I can say to you that life is precious. So many people lose their lives in so many unfair ways, that to give your own life away just adds to the tragedy. Please give yourself the chance to live again.
-Dave
Atta boy, Stucky.
I’ve held off commenting (but started praying immediately).
As a funeral director, reading about the gift of a meaningful item to Marc was a huge red flag, not knowing details.
I have sat with countless friends and heard similar stories, but you never fully understand until it’s you. Empathy/sympathy
Like Robert, I wad traded in for another and lost my best friend, wife, house, etc. and had thoughts of suicide.
A friend told me you may be lonely but will never be alone. While not immediately apparent, that thought got me through and changed my life.
Bless you and this beautifully compassionate community.
One day at a time, with the good Lord’s help.
I have a feeling you and Marc will be sharing a nice German stout from that gift soon.
Dear Stucky..
Sixteen years ago I came upon this man walking the road in Chesapeake, Virginia. It was the day before Christmas. I was compelled to stop. For what reason I do not know to this day. I very reluctantly convinced him to have Christmas at my humble house. For three days..I was blessed by one of the LORDS OF LIFE. I need to share him with you now. LOVE LIFE STUCKY. I love you brother. I am not asking for your sake….I am asking for mine. PLEASE take a bit of time and let me share with you…..Mr. Steve Fugate. His pain is your own in your loss. Do this for me…..please.
Bobby Mac – Very share-worthy.
So….do me a favor….share it.
SO… how do you know I haven’t? Why would I reshare it on this thread?
Quite the inane comment.
I get it.
peace and love of the lord jesus christ be with you and those you love.
She will hear you, because there is no such thing as “brain death”. If the brain dies so does the rest of the body.
God Bless.
143 comments better than mine. Your many friends are with you. Wishing you peace.
Stay with us for a while.
Stucky, good luck.
Stucky –
My heart leaped when I read your comment. Thank you so much for letting God touch your heart.
My grandmother died in ’92 of cancer. She was a most amazing strong loving gentle woman. In fact, I have the dubious honor of being the only child – hers, grandkids, anybody – that she ever spanked. And yet there was NEVER a moment when I doubted that she completely loved me. Kind of shows what both of us are/were.
Grampa and Gramma had been married for over 60 years. He was inconsolable, complete heart-broken and lost. I don’t know how he made it through. He became bitter and angry and was difficult to be around for any length of time. I finally moved in with him to be there for him, because he was also almost completely deaf and legally blind, macular degeneration. It was really hard. But I kept praying and trying to keep my mouth shut and just be there for him. When he finally came out of that horrible time, a couple of years later, he became a most loving Godly man. He turned back to the family and regained the joy of relationships. He, despite the eye/ear thing, began to make doll cribs for children and gave them to the outfits that give them out. All on his own he made templates and made probably over 200 cribs over the years. They were in demand in this area. He finally died quietly in his sleep, kicked back on his recliner, at 94.
The point is, allow someone to be there for you, because love will endure even when the pain seems insurmountable. We all share it, are willing -Hell, we want – to be in the middle of it with you. I have never seen such an outpouring of pure love toward someone online like this.
You are blessed, and we are blessed by you.
That was beautiful, TS.
Thank you.
“The point is, allow someone to be there for you, because love will endure even when the pain seems insurmountable. We all share it, are willing -Hell, we want – to be in the middle of it with you. I have never seen such an outpouring of pure love toward someone online like this.
You are blessed, and we are blessed by you.” –TS
Bingo. I’m continually amazed at what a special place TBP is because of the intelligent, thoughtful and thought-provoking people. Stucky figures highly here.
I genuinely feared the worst when I first read his post this morning. I wept as I prayed for someone I’ve never met, for him to be comforted and not to cause himself harm.
I was immensely relieved to read his later post and I know that he had to feel all of the prayers and good feelings sent his way. Losing a loved one is a terrible burden to bear but the rest of the family would be devastated by a further loss.
Running on empty here. Just echoing all the well wishes expressed by so many people in this wonderful space.
May God bless and keep Stucky and Maureen.
Stucky
Everyone who comes here loves you. Hell even those who don’t like you love you. For all the pain that has come your way the last few years try to keep in mind the Almighty never gives us more than we can handle. And know that your lovely bride isn’t going anywhere you can’t follow….Someday.
Peace, blessings, and prayers to you and your kids
Stucky,
I have never commented on the TBP before but your words compelled me to leave this for you.
You are loved and appreciated out here in ways that you may not be able to understand.
I fully understand this means nothing coming from a stranger on the internet, yet I just wanted to tell you that your life has value.
Please don’t let that which drives you to fade.
Your sweet wife wouldn’t want you to snuff out the beautiful light that you shine in this way.
Maureen will be there waiting for you, she would never ask you to rush to her in this manner. Love is eternal which means there is no need to prematurely hasten your reunion on the other side.
God bless you sir.
Know that you’re in my prayers.
With the deepest of respect, please reconsider.
-S.
S., I would like to personally thank you for commenting in such a beautiful way. It shows that Stucky is touching people in ways in which he was never aware.
There is a comment from Stucky that came after the initial post and he has not done anything rash, for which we are grateful. But the more prayers the better.
Thanks for commenting and never forget that strangers on the Internet are just friends you haven’t met yet.
Trust me on this one.
Beautiful!!
You should comment more often, your words have value.
Thank You !!
Stuck,
There are no words to comfort us in these trying times. The pain can be overwhelming, the sense of loss unbearable…
I empathize with your plight, feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness and despair.
Please consider the thoughts, words and prayers from all of us and hang in there!
Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts, fears and feelings!
You shouldn’t give up, sharing your experiences like you have, have and continue to touch other people’s lives and hearts! I hope it can be cathartic in time.
Prayers and warm wishes sent your way!
My Granny told me “life is for the living”.
Stucky, while you pain is severe, life goes on. I’m sure she would want you to continue. Tomorrow is a precious gift with unknown potential for love, happiness and yes, pain as well.
The others in your life dont want her loss compounded by yours.
Who knows what life brings. You may find as much happiness in another woman who needs a guy like yourself to ease her pain. Do it for her. Keep going for all the other reasons to keep the gift of life lite.
Suicide causes untold grief for those you leave behind. I know from which I speak.
I have a cousin aged 77 who lost his 50 year old bride not long ago. He nursed his wife for her last three years, He listened to his pastor, took a chance on a Christian dating site, and met a wonderful lady, four years his junior and she too, had lost her husband after nursing him for three years…My cousin told me that both his wife and her husband told them to go find happiness for themselves and for someone else. Why would they wish anything else?
Stuck.
I’m sorry for what you are going through. My heart is heavy thinking about you. I pray for peace to your soul.
I do want you to know that I have been following your travels/tribulations for a decade now. You helped turn a pro Bush Neocon warmonger ignorant Republican into me. Me is someone who understands the truth; castles, horse fucking, raccoon killing, painting cabinets, selling a house, manboobs, washing a roof (still a wtf for me), concrete sealing, Chatham County suspect, etc…
You have been a light to me, you helped me swallow that red pill. I’m a better person and a more intelligent person because of you.
You have the voice that can reach people, and it has, consistently.
I personally want to continue to hear your voice.
Me too. No hashtag.
“When you find that you can neither go backwards nor forward…when you are convinced that all the exits are blocked, either you take to believing in miracles or you stand still like the hummingbird. The miracle is that the honey is always there, right under your nose, only you were to busy searching elsewhere to realize it. The worst is not death but being blind, blind to the fact that everything about life is in the nature of the miraculous.” ~Henry Miller from Stand Still Like the Hummingbird
Hang in there. Life is all we can see from this side. Does more exist? I would like to think so.
Your dearly beloved wife, Maureen, will always be with you in your heart and in your mind, Stucky. We lose our loved ones physical being and presence in our lives but you can never lose the love you shared and the life you had together. She lives on in your children and their children too. My hope is that you will continue to live on too, to keep her love alive for yourself and them.
Our thoughts are with you at your time of great sadness and grief.
Rossa and her Mum.
Stucky, I’ve read through all the comments, almost 200 to this point. So many great one’s and I’m at a loss as to what to add. So great that you reconsidered below I saw posted as “Anonymous” but most definitely sounded like you. You’re a fighter that’s for sure. I hope at least in reading through the comments that you’ll see there are many reasons to stick around. I don’t even know you personally but I did pray for you and your family. I have appreciated your contributions to this site. Best of luck and God Speed with what ever comes your way… Chip
Dear Stucky, I got up early to step boldly to the throne around 5 a.m. as I always do and the throne room was crowded with all the monkeys waking up the Ghost.
We love you here, King Shitflinger and we are praying for the peace that surpasseth all understanding for you during this day and each and every one ahead of you.
Your TBP family is a squeaky wheel in Paradise today, I imagine.
Please let us know when and if you can.
This is 196, by the way.
Stucky
I was on the run from early morning to late last night and missed your post and the amazing thread created by it. I am so very, very sorry you have had to endure the loss of Maureen’s health and life, but she has been blessed beyond measure by your complete love and devotion. You can let her go in peace.
As for you, please extend to yourself the same care you have freely given to your parents and Maureen over the past two or three years. You have been the strong one, now let yourself be ministered to by others. You still have a reason to be here. There must be some more people for Stucky to enjoy and help. I know TBP looks forward to many more of your articles. I have really missed them.
Others have eloquently expressed the pain and concern we have for you, so I can’t really add anything else except I feel it too.
Stucky,
Years ago, when I was an ignorant newbie on this site, you and I tangled over some forgotten issue. The next day you responded with a conciliatory message which really cheered my soul. I recall wondering if Ms Freud had talked to you. El Coyote kindly advised me on the protocol of dealing with “Big Dogs” like yourself. I came to appreciate and look forward to your comments and articles and your take no prisoners attitude. Along with the other shining lights here you are responsible for my staying around and learning. Thank you.
Just a guess, but I think your partner would want you to get back in action here when the time is right.
Including you in my prayers Stucky. Please don’t do anything to yourself or you will not be able to follow her where she is going. God bless you any your family.
Don’t say much here anymore, but want to tell you that it’s your comments that keep me coming back. The pain becomes less sharp with time and the good memories rise to the top. Hang in there Stucky. Penforce.
After reading all the posts there is nothing I can add that would be of much value. My best friend was diagnosed with lung cancer a few weeks back. Yesterday he went through surgery to remove his right lung. It’s been the longest two weeks of my life with many hours of prayers for him as I thought he may not make it through. He is now recovering nicely. The good Lord answered my prayers and will answer yours. Thank you for all the stories I’ve been blessed to read over the years. You are loved and respected greatly. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Stuck,am very sorry for you and family,we have all been down these roads in one form or another and realize there is little we can do but dammit,we will do our best.I look forward to meeting you and all the others here one day in this plain of existence somehow.
I have caught some flack for me computer OS being a pain and at times same info not spread to different lines in reply,i.e. me e-mail is on me name line.That said,this time am doing purposefully and if you want to chat with a friend you have never met in person feel free.
I myself am helping me mum and have limited net connection @ moment but do check every day so feel free if you want to get in contact and am sure 100’s of others feel the same.
You,the Munchkin and your family are in me thoughts,let us all know if there is something we can do to help out.
Stucky,
OMG, does your boat leaves a big wake! What a great testament.
You will be forcing one foot in front of another for some time. I wouldn’t call it living. You are waiting for the next chapter.
It will come. Rejoice in the opportunity to be where you are at this moment. You are exactly where you should be.
Like you, I have no answers. Just my own.
But we know the questions.
stucky,
not much i can add to what others have said,just know we’re all thinking of you–
My first wife lay in the hospital for 31 days in a broken mess caused by a drunk driver. The last night I saw her, I said a prayer over her, and then I asked the Lord to please let her sleep. The moment I said that, I felt like I was hit with a rock. I knew, but I shook it off. So I went home that evening, and 30 minute later or so, I was in the kitchen when a sudden chill blew through my very soul and the hairs on me stood up. An hour later I got the call.
Don’t cross him, don’t boss him
He’s wild in his sorrow
He’s ridin’ an’ hidin’ his pain
Don’t fight him, don’t spite him
Just wait till tomorrow
Maybe he’ll ride on again
At her funeral, I got down on my knees, I raised my fists, and I cried out his name.
For 2 years I was wild in my sorrow. And I got on my Harley and rode away, I just rode whichever way the wind would blow.
And it’s okay.
4 years later, I met the other girl who means more to me than life itself.
Seasons in the Sun.
Stucky, my heart goes out to you in your anguish and I am so very sorry.. but what is so heart warming is the depth and the capacity of the love you have for your wife and I believe that deep down inside every woman would love to be loved the way your wife has been loved by you.
What an amazing gift you have both given each other, what an honour to be loved like that which is something I cannot imagine but there you are with your enormous love and so it proves that love like that does really happen.
My computor is dead which is why I have to go to the the library to read TBP but I, like all of your friends here, want to let you know that I care about you even though I will never meet you, go with God friend.
A very, very nice sentiment Sisofia. Coincidentally, Stucky goes to the library to use the Internet, too.
By the way, there’s an update that Stucky wrote. It’s the top article on the TBP homepage right now.