Submitted by Unreconstructed
Memo to Visiting Yankees From the Southern Tourism Bureau:
–Don’t order pasta primavera at Waffle House. It’s just a diner.
They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they’ll kick your ass.
–Don’t laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther
Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis,
etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
–Dont order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it’s called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it’s Pepsi,
RC, Dr. Pepper, 7 Up or whatever-it’s still a Coke. Accept it.
Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
–We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,
Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and
generally a lot nicer. Don’t refer to us as a bunch of
hillbillies, or we’ll kick your ass.
–We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx,
Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we
do sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter,
Clinton). We don’t care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb
enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the
Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.
–Don’t laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending
Pickett up the middle, you’d be paying taxes to Richmond instead
of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the
carving, we’ll kick your ass.
–We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell
up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we’ll
kick your ass.
–Don’t order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you’re a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God
intended-with gravy. And don’t put sugar on your grits, or we’ll
kick your ass.
–Don’t fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you
will get your ass kicked.
–Don’t talk about how much better things are at home because we
know better. Many of us have visited Northern cesspools like
Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If
you don’t like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass
on home before it gets kicked.
–Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we don’t want to sound like you. We don’t care if you don’t
understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand
what we are saying, and that’s all that matters. Now, go away and
leave us alone, or we’ll kick your ass.
–Don’t complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR
scenic beauty, we’ll kick your ass all the way back to Boston
Harbor.
–Don’t ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma’am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because
such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves
around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they’ll kick
some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
–So you think we’re quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That’s because we have enough sense to not live in
filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or
Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we’ll kick your ass.
–Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how
to barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is
kicked). You’re lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize
our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.
Author Unknown
I thought you “shit-slingers” could use a little humor to take your minds
off crooked politics, the Corona virus “scare”, endless wars and all the
other absurdities to which we are exposed to 24/7.
Unreconstructed
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“If you confuse them, they’ll kick your ass.”
(laughing) ah ‘spect they will ….
I have a set of cousins who have been threatening to kick my young ass since I was about twelve years old babysitting their kids while they were drinking beer, smoking dope and playing rock and roll until it was time to play Free Bird, the local common law “going home song.”
About two years ago, I had to completely quit drinking and being sober around them was eye opening. Watching the antics sober made me realize nobody’s ass has ever been kicked in the whole damned family by any of them, even when it needed to be. Or ever would.
But there has always been a lot of laughing, loving and rock’n’roll. Sometimes gunshots.
Welcome to the South.
Now leave your daughters and go home…
This is a joke from grade school days back in the sixties, often re-told while playing a game where one threw their knives between each others feet, a favorite playground activity.
What is a Super yankee?
Someone that comes South, marries a black person, then moves quickly back north.
Heard Roger Staubach tell this story:
When he got out of the Navy and joined the Dallas Cowboys, the locals called him a Yankee.
When he moved his family to Dallas, the locals called him a Damned Yankee.
When he led the Cowboys to a Super Bowl win, the locals called him a Texan!
Best…joke….ever!
I guess everyone dislikes Trace’s ponytail.
If a woman tells you “bless your heart”, you know you have done something really stupid and she was too polite to kick your ass.
Or too polite to tell you what “Bless your heart” really means. LOL!!
A thoughtful piece, measured, erudite, profound, worthy of The Bard. Hey! has anybody seen my pouch of chew? Sugar on grits. I had to kill a man for that once and still feel the pain.
Seriously, just a little advice. Most Yankees are good folks but there is a certain kind of bitter, unfriendly, rude bastard who really gets our goat. I am not an especially violent person but I vividly remember having to control
myself to keep from decking a few of them. No doubt none of them knew that they were mere seconds from receiving a sucker punch for their nasty, arrogant attitude.
I have read that a certain kind of Northerner is irritated by the overly familiar, friendly style of most Southerners. If you are one of them, stay home. I mean it. Your sullen, suspicious, unmannerly behavior really does enrage us and we all want to avoid a tragedy.
Yáll come back now, hear?
When Virginia minus DC area joins West Virginia can Western Pa. please also join?…..We have Cracker Barrels and I only once asked if grits is plural for grit….(PS ass was kicked)….also willing to change my name to Billy Bob Bo Jerry if required………
How nice
The Maryland panhandle out from Hagerstown to Cumberland wants in on this new West Virginia too, please.
Jerry Bob will suffice!!!
The only difference from in the hills yanks and southern hill rednecks is you rednecks talk all fucked up!Learn to speak English properly,if legal immigrants can do it so can you!
On a side note,I am not planning to visit the south!
On a side note,I am not planning to visit the south!
The south is real grateful for that, lil’ fella.
Mygirl- I’m afraid James would get his ass kicked if he crosses the Mason-Dixon Line. Can’t say i’d feel sorry for him .
James seems to have the kind of personality that wants its ass kicked no matter what side of the line he’s standing on.
‘Prolly a nigger anyways.
You folks better have a sense of humor,like it or not at some point we will have to fight side by side,as article states though,I guess you are easily confused!
That was great. God bless the South (and I’m an atheist)
Yankees call grits “polenta”
the worst offender of barbecue is that Steven Raichlen cracker on PBS, you can tell he’s not a real chef, cause he wears his wedding ring, while he makes hamburgers, that is fucking gross.
professionals remove all jewelry on the job, no matter what the work is, food, medical, mechanical, etc.
Somehow polenta and shrimp just doesn’t sound right………
Cheesy grits, fried grits, and plain old grits, bacon and some fried or boiled shrimp tossed on top.
Breakfast:
Plain grits with butter, salt and pepper.
Grits are to the south what cream of wheat is to the north. I do put sugar on cream of wheat, maybe a dash of cinnamon too.
How to tell if you have enough butter on your grits? Get a yellow slicker suit (raincoat), and if the grits match, you’ve got enough.
Shrimp? shrimp? What is wrong with about two dozen fresh boiled crayfish, to go with them fried grits paddies?
Polenta is what the Italians do with corn.
Polenta sounds like a venereal disease.
oh man, Raichlen is awesome. Smokin’ awesome.
you know the founder of “Turner Broadcasting” married Jane Fricking Fonda? just saying.
And didn’t that work out well for him?
Where ya been MarshRabbit?
I almost never agree with you, but it’s always good to read an opposing view…
I approve of this offering by unreconstructed and thank him kindly. Problem is that Dixie done got up and left while we were asleep due to the Yankee reconstruction (which never ended) and the green light for kneegroes to shit all over our heritage because slavery. The Yankees have now managed to fuk up the entire nation to the point that it may be a lost cause.
Guess who is first to moan that the south was right?? ……The DAMNED YANKEES.
It’s not too late to kick some Yankee ass….just sayin’.
There are some decent yankees, I have a few yankee friends but they know their place and don’t push. They put ketchup on a hamburger for heaven’s sake. Unbelievable. Everyone knows mustard and mayonnaise go on hamburgers, ketchup is for french fries.
Damn, Red. Us Southerners don’t put Mayo on burgers..That’s
fuckin Cultural Marxism bullshit, just like putting ketchup on fries…FFS, you put yellow, or perhaps, if you have some sophistication, some expensive brown mustard on your fries and your burger, Mayo..Ketchup…damn, girl. Are you a Southerner In Name Only (SINO)?
There is something wrong with people who put mayo on burgers. Doesn’t matter where you live. My daughter puts mayo on burgers. I’m not sure we are related except she looks like me. She must have gotten that from her dad.
Pfft: Dukes mayonnaise goes on hamburgers… ya’ll just weren’t raised right.
Mustard on french fries? That is just wrong. Nope.
I like giving them sweet tea when they ask for tea……lol.
Sweet tea is redundant. Tea is made with sugar, period.
Yankees think ketchup is spicy.
I’m Southern born and bred and eat my hamburgers with ketchup and mustard. Can’t stand mayo.
Ketchup on a hamburger? That’s just wrong. Nope. McDonalds puts ketchup on what they call a hamburger. Nuff said.
I was with a group of folk in Amarillo many moons ago. One of the natives said she knew of a great place to go eat. So, we caravaned out to this lonely honk tonk beer joint and I said where’s the menu. She laughed and said just wait, and shortly out came a massive platter of t-bones and another platter of french fries. That and beer was supper.
Mustard, mayo….don’t forget the chili and slaw! Although that is a Carolina thang.
I put chili and slaw on hotdogs, with mustard and onion.
It took moving to the South to actually learn the truth about the war of southern secession.
War of Northern Aggression, there, fixed it. Tn volunteer by choice, refugee from Commiefornistan.
To all Collectivists Yankees (which is the majority – there are exceptions on TBP) if you intend on bringing your nanny state, busy body, know it all, PC bullshit politics with you to the individualistic, socially Conserative and mannered, good ole boy South…stay the hell up in the festering, rude, northeast blue bubbles with the progressive parasites you seem so fond of championing while kissing their asses.
That also goes for looney Left Coast turds of the same persuasion.
Yankee by birth, Rebel by choice, North Carolinian by the grace of the living God.
Uncles in WW1, Daddy in law WW2 ,son with Marines…outhouse , barn, smokehouse, deer hunting , fishing, lost everything in boating accident!…ha, football. beer, ….western Pa. is just Alabama but we don’t talk as funny…and I would never eat something called polenta
Jerry,
Without a doubt! I wasn’t talking about rural PA (or rural anywhere)…
Han’t no!
My Mick Dad and Wop Mom came out of rural PA …I’m talking about the Yankees who diffused widely across the northern United States, leaving their know it all, collectivism imprints in New York, the Upper Midwest, and places as far away as Seattle, San Francisco, and Honolulu.
Yankeeism is much more cultural/political than geographical.
To foreigners, a Yankee is an American.
To Americans, a Yankee is a Northerner.
To Northerners, a Yankee is an Easterner.
To Easterners, a Yankee is a New Englander.
To New Englanders, a Yankee is a Vermonter.
In Vermont, a Yankee is somebody who eats pie for breakfast
To me a Yankee is a rude, know it all, nanny state, collectivist, big government progressive/socialist Animal Farm pig, who wants to shove their PC bullshit down the rest of the country’s throat…and all they crave is power and control.
They gather in cities (especilally DC) like ants…fire ants…but they really are just Yankee piss ants.
God rest Stonewall Jackson.
If you want to know how the different areas during early America became the way they are, you need to read “Albion’s Seed: Four British Folkways in America,” by David Hackett Fischer. It shows you exactly where the settlers in America came from in England, to begin with, and then other parts of Great Britain, and then Europe, in the 15th and 16th centuries, and why the cultures were so different. That in itself laid the groundwork on how the War Between the States was baked into the cake from the beginning. It’s one of the best books I’ve ever read on our history.
VV,
I haven’t read that book, but I have this from many years ago. It was a good read, and historically accurate, until the last chapter then you find out the author is just another a smug, liberal, we know how to do it best frigg’in Yankee.
THE MAP OF THE 11 DIFFERENT AMERICAN CULTURES
https://www.businessinsider.com/regional-differences-united-states-2018-1?op=1
Mark, thank you so much for the reference. I’ll check it out.
Did they happen to say African-Americans contributed mightily to Southern culture or language? That is a liberal thing to do, but it’s inaccurate as the culture was set prior to their entry, and only some words were added of African origin. I find that in a lot of books and articles.
VV,
It’s been so many years I don’t remember the references about blacks in the book, but I do remember it was a fascinating read on the formation and spread of the 11 cultures and their past and ongoing clashes. I learned quite a bit. You do discover the author’s liberal leanings in the close of the book.
I am living proof some people gravitate to and adapt a culture they are kindred to, and admire.
Being raised in NJ but with a branch of the family in NC who we visited in the 50’s and 60’s, I fell in love with the South (the culture and history was an overwhelming pull for me) as a boy, then I intentionally spent most of my adult life in it and married a West Texas girl.
I was about as different from the guys she was use to in Odessa Texas as could be, and she was as different as the Jersey girls I was raised around as she could be.
I also lived in New Orleans twice as a young man – Mardi Gras was an irresistible magnet for me. That is where I met my wife.
To Jerry’s point there is a commonality among rural people from everywhere, no matter the regions, just as there is among the urban. That is what is evolving into the metastasizing Collectivists Vs Individualists divide that will be the sides in Civil War 2.
Obviously most here are individualists, even those living urban.
Well Good God Man, come to the farmers shin-dig and tell us we aren’t brothers. I plan on moving to Virginia in a few years, will y’all have me? I can adapt, really!
ILuvCO2,
Like I said above, ‘Yankeeism is much more cultural/political than geographical’.
We be Bros Bro!
I’m not far from the Old Dominion…when you get settled let me know!
I don’t think we can divide into Yankees and Southerners anymore. That was 150 years ago. It’s a cultural divide now. Even in the cities, “Bless their hearts” they just can’t leave the city. They will be sorry.
It was an even bigger cultural divide back then.
It’s rural vs urban now, not north vs. south. Gotta get us rural northerners in tune with you southern good ol’ boys and girls. To fight the global tyranny that is.
That pretty much sums up how it is now Or you could say it’s between people with sense and people who are insane.
Without a doubt Mary:
Collectivists Vs. Individualists
HUGE Government Drones Vs. Independent Living Rebels
Controllers Vs. I’ll Kick Your Ass Uncontrollable Liberty Loving Americans
Urban City Dwellers who cringe calling 911 Vs. Rural Bad Ass Americans who pack a 1911
Seems that at the end of the day, none of them want to own the moniker. They just all want to spread their garbage as far as possible.
Bring our garbage to you,will say,we in the northern hills of New England at least(for the moment,must stay on top of it)recognize constitutional right to carry and all other firearm freedoms,more so then the south(get to work folks!).No permission slips ect. in these parts(again,for the moment).
Unfortunately, NH VT and Maine have gone to the dark side.
Too bad the majority don’t follow your views here. We are unfortunately inundated by the collectivist type. Especially in the neighboring town to me called Congregating Area for Relocated Yankees (Cary).
That was some good sheeat. Sage beat me to it, but sugar on grits? Really? You don’t even deserve the kindliness of lethal injection. Start stepp’in and sit down in ole Sparky, you worthless Yankee… BTW, it is perfectly acceptable to chop up your bacon and eggs and mix them up in your grits… NO fucking ketchup you uncouth savages..just say’in…
North Carolinian by birth.. Confederate for life.
Oh, remember..we really don’t don’t give a coon’s ass how you did it up north..
One more thing, being a tolerant Southerner, if you are enjoying some pancakes with Maple syrup alongside your grits covered in butter, salt and pepper, and if somehow, by chance, some Maple syrup should become infused in your grits, well, Ole Sparky will turn his head…
Now Johnny Cake is a different beast….sheets of cornbread soaked in Karo syrup…..that was breakfast for us poor kids at the school breakfast program.
Maybe, but I’d prefer blackstrap ‘lasses and it just might wander into my hominy a little bit. And they ain’t nothing wrong with havin’ a little ‘mater on that bicket. Sawmill sausage gravy is the best.
Nkit: Ok darlin’ this video is for you….
Very nice. Thank you.
And, the comment about “Delta is ready when you are”, remember that Delta was founded in Monroe, Louisiana, which is in the, wait for it———South. LOL!!
Us living in the cold clime wouldn’t waste breathe saying it, let alone read it.
My aunt in Alabama used to call cokes “dopes” She remembered when they were laced with cocaine?
Harrison Narcotic Act 1914.
doug- Yep, the folks did say, “dopes” and , “dopa-dolas”. Long time ago. 🙂
Humidity is good for your skin. Not so much for my hair but I can put a hat on. I can’t run around with a paper sack on my head. Arizona will give you wrinkles faster than you can say “All ya,all”.
I love southern accents but I lose my focus on what is being said because the accent is so charming. There is a difference between a hillbilly accent and a southern accent. I used to take calls from all over the country when I worked in customer service for Fedex. I will never forget a call I took from a bonafide hillbilly and I had to ask him several times to repeat what he just said. You get in trouble for doing that but it was that or just hang up on him in frustration which is even worse. Caught between the proverbial rock and hard place, I was.
I never heard of putting sugar on grits. Yuck. Butter, salt and pepper is all they need.
I should have been born in the south where the sun shines a hell of a lot more in the winter but alas, God decreed me to be born in Kansas. But my mom did use both names, drop the “tine”. It was Mary Chris unless I was in trouble.
Then I moved to Missouri. The state that could never decide whether it wanted to be Union or Confederate and so never seceded.
I like BBQ brisket or pulled pork on cole slaw. In my town, when you ask for that, they always say “Carolina style”.
Sorry, but the best BBQ in the world is found in Kansas City. You are going to have to come a long way to kick my ass.
I was born on an Air Force in Cali . . . but I’m FROM Tennessee.
On an Air Force what? Flightline, NCO Club, MAC flight, Depot, WAF dorm????
I took it to mean he was born on an Air Force base.
“base”, thank you V2 . . .
I usually edit before I post but since I knew exactly what I meant, I didn’t catch it.
I rarely edit my comments, as many will tell you. I don’t worry about it. We can usually figure things out based on context.
Very funny, MG . . . please see below for clarification.
Best BBQ in the world is in Llano Texas.
Turn this up loud. It’s the only way you can listen to it.
I absolutely LOVED that song when it was popular on MTV.
Dan Baird wrote most if not all of their songs. I have a CD that is only Dan Baird. Love Songs for the Hearing Impaired. My favorite song off of it is “Pick Up The Knife” Not sure what that says about me.
I usually don’t give a shit about down votes but who ever down voted this, stick it up your ass.
You tell them.
My son got home long before the rioting began, I’m sure. He lives on Jefferson Street somewhere fairly close to Cerner. Is that bad?
What rioting? I get lost downtown all the time because I’m a suburban gal.
Downtown is safe…for now. We were just there last Friday. Had to check out Tom’s Town craft bourbon. You know.. Pendergast.
MC is getting feisty! You go girl!
Great song, great group.
It runbs me raw seeing a California tagged car rolling down a Houston street.
I just want to do a full speed t-bone on them.
talk to ’em first. lots of conservative californian’s are looking for a new home.
They sold their shacks for 4 times what a home in Houston costs, take their windfall to buy a bigger finer house, don’t bother to fight the comparatively low property tax bill and you wind up with Austin.
FUCK.THEM.ALL.
Northerners coming down this a way…it just ain’t right
Had a buddy from Alabama that I got to go visit his family one weekend. Found out from his Mother that the difference between a yankee and a damned yankee is the yankee went back home. Still tell that here in so. Illinois because I feel like I’m a damned yankee.(originally from n.e. Ohio) .
The reason you feel like a “damned Yankee” in Southern Illinois is because Southern Illinois almost became a Confederate state in 1861.
You aren’t a true Southerner unless you think everyone north of South Carolina is a Yankee, and south of Orlando too.
I’ve used my Southern accent for my benefit in business for decades. They go with their assumptions, and I make money. It’s amazing how compatible Southern and Asian culture are to each other.
Atlanta, bunch of fucking yankees there too. Piss on Fulton and Dekalb.
Bless your heart.
You have to say that with a Southern accent.
Bless your-hey, why did I get 2 down votes?
Omg! Too funny!
Because you forgot to add the ‘why’ as in ‘Why, bless his heart’ or ‘why, bless your heart” It don’t count without the ‘why.’ Another way to go is to say ‘well, bless their heart’ when speaking about someone not present.
I have it on good authority from a Baptist friend that ‘bless your heart’ is church speak for ‘Christ, how can anyone be so stupid.’
Yep…like Shoot…is really Shit with two o’s.
I’m not sure that’s something guys say.
Don’t order pasta primavera at Waffle House. It’s just a diner.
They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they’ll kick your ass.
And when you order it, say it like this: Scattered, smothered, covered double plate and a sausage on the side. They won’t kick your ASS!
Unconstructed, I absolute loved it. Thanks for the laugh.
Great list, love it.
I lived in NC from 1980-87 and I learned a few things from the locals.
If you ask a waitress for sugar, she would always reply “I’ll give you some sugar” with a wink and a grin.
Asking for directions is like asking someone to read you a book. A really long book.
The meanest things were always said in the sweetest tone. Hurt twice as bad.
A handshake was worth more than a legally binding contract. A legally binding contract absent a handshake was a guarantee you were going to get screwed.
Pulled pork, cole slaw and pickle chips on a bun, a side of hush puppies with a glass of ice cold sweet tea would make an awesome last meal.
If you had black employees and you paid them on Friday, they wouldn’t show up for work on Monday. In fact they used to call Mondays African Holiday.
If someone used the expression have a blessed day they would eventually steal from you, every time.
Hey– a long, drawn out version of that word- was how you said hi to someone you were happy to see. If someone said hello, it meant you were not welcome.
If you were invited to a BBQ, you brought beer, sheet cake and ammo.
I had mostly good experiences with people down there even though I was from Jersey, but it wasn’t a place I could spend the rest of my life. Winters were long, dismal, drawn out Autumns and it made Christmas decoration just look sad. The only trees were pines, pin oaks, and dead trees covered in kudzu. Every interaction took twice as long as it would anywhere else in the USA because of the rate of speech, I hope. I probably sounded like the guy at the end of a car lease commercial reading the disclaimers when I spoke. Doing stand-up down there was like clubbing baby seals. I almost felt sorry for them trying to keep up.
You fast talking city slicker, HF?
Compared to them.
That’s because fast talkers aren’t to be trusted. A slow talking southerner is thinking about what he’s saying, considering the words and focused on getting out a message and not wanting to have to ‘eat’ his words at a later date. He’ll wait on you to speak and give you every consideration and you had best do the same, especially if any honor is involved. Woe betide you if you act impatient, it means you have bad manners and weren’t raised right.
Yup, and too many words usually means they’re trying to pull a fast one. Fewer well chosen words are best.
People who talk a lot usually get little done and don’t know crap.
Did you hear about the southern girl that went out with a city slicker. He made a comment about how slow she talked. She said “Mister you ought to hear my sister. She went out with a feller once and before she could say, ‘I’m not that kind of girl’ … she was.”
Best BBQ in the world.
Sconyers in Augusta, GA, has been voted best BBQ over and over. (They catered the inaugural of Jimmy Carter at the White House.) But their BBQ is definitely not my favorite, in fact, lower down the list than many I’ve tried.
The best BBQ and hash I’ve ever eaten was made by my cousin, who lives in Edgefield, S.C. He used to have pool parties for the family on July 4th, cooked a pig and served homemade BBQ and hash. But his health isn’t as good as it used to be and he hasn’t been able to do it for a couple of years now. If he had opened a BBQ restaurant, he’d be extremely rich now.
By the way, we don’t call it pulled pork. We call it Barbecue. What you call barbecue, meaning cooking on a grill, we call grilling out.
That’s just the way it is…
Yeah, well, I don’t think too many Carolinians miss your Jersey backside either..with or without your biased, comical, short-sighted comments about ALL the kudzu-covered trees……Yeah, we hate our long drawn out winters..wish we had short warm winters like Jersey or New Hampshire..
In my neck of the woods, we pretty much go from summer to cooler summer to winter. Then winter to warmer winter to summer. It seems there is no actual fall or spring. Our temperatures vary widely from morning to afternoon. If it’s 32 degrees F in the morning, it could be anywhere from 55 to 65 degrees F in the afternoon. Been that way all my life in the Deep South.
Shoot, in Texas we have Summer, summer, summer and Christmas. There’s a two week spell where the leaves fall off the trees, some folk call that Autumn. There’s another spell where the trees grow their leaves back, we call that Spring.
It was in the 70’s last week one day…I was sun bathing naked (probably TMI) by my pond while fishing!
You can meet women in all kinds of ways in the South!
In the fall, winter and spring, it’s hard to know what season you’re in if you not from here. We go from cool weather then hot weather constantly. It may be freezing for four days, getting only into the 30s or 40s in the afternoon. Next week, it’s in the 50s in the morning, 70s in the afternoon for a week. Then you’re back to cold weather in the morning, warm in the afternoon. Back to freezing for two weeks. Then back to warm summer weather for a week. Then cold mornings, etc. There’s actually no consistent pattern. You really can’t pack away your summer clothes in our winters. In fact, they’re used year round. In the summer, maybe no or few clothes.
The best thing about Alabama weather. If you don’t like the way it is right now; just wait a few minutes, it will change.
Vitamin D is good for you!!
+1000
OMG that’s funny, got choked on the sweet tea I was drinking
No offense, but maybe your jokes just weren’t funny to them. I can go through so-called comedy shows and not even crack a smile. And I’m not talking about SJW-not-funny, offended at every little thing. They also may have heard it before or something similar.
Most comics aren’t very funny.
You misunderstood what I was saying, I killed in the Comedy Zone circuit because I had a pace where they never got a chance to recover from the joke they were just laughing at before I had finished the next one. It was like surfing the big waves on the North Shore.
If you want something that will make you laugh go look up Nate Bargatze (he’s a southerner).
I apparently misunderstood that sentence. And I agree, most comics aren’t funny.
Tennessee takes the cake for the slowest speech ever. I was born in North Carolina, grew up in West Virginia, and lived in Louisiana. There is a slow pace to some kinds of conversations everywhere in the south, but seriously, everyone I ever met from Tennessee spoke agonizingly slow, all the time. Ever see the ‘Duck Dynasty’ show? Mountain Man talks exactly like every Tennesseean I’ve ever met.
HF clubbing baby seals
Hardscrabble, your state is getting inundated by Democratic politicians. Can you write something for us about that?
It is, thank God for our Governor, who is vetoing every piece of commie legislation that comes across his desk.
It ain’t over until Reconstruction is over (ie, The 1964 Civil Riots Act).
“Hurricane”
Thirty miles on the Gulf Stream
I hear the south wind moan
The bridges getting lower
Shrimp boats coming home
The old man down in the Quarter
Slowly turns his head
Takes a sip from his whiskey bottle
And this is what he said
I was born in the rain on the Pontchartrain
Underneath the Louisiana moon
I don’t mind the strain of a hurricane
They come around every June
High black water, a devil’s daughter
She’s hard, she’s cold and she’s mean
But nobody taught her it takes a lot of water
To wash away New Orleans
Man came down from Chicago
He gonna set that levee right
He says, “It needs to be at least three feet higher
It won’t make it through the night”
But the old man down in the Quarter
He said don’t you listen to that boy
The water be down by the morning
And he’ll be back to Illinois
I was born in the rain on the Pontchartrain
Underneath the Louisiana Moon
I don’t mind the strain of a hurricane
They come around every June
High black water, a devil’s daughter
She’s hard, she’s cold and she’s mean
But nobody taught her it takes a lot of water
To wash away New Orleans
Thirty miles on the Gulf Stream
I hear the South wind moan
Bridges getting lower
Shrimp boats coming home
The old man down in the Quarter
Slowly turns his head
Takes a drink from his whiskey bottle
And this is what he said
I was born in the rain on the Pontchartrain
Underneath the Louisiana Moon
I don’t mind the strain of a hurricane
They come around every June
High black water, a devil’s daughter
She’s hard, she’s cold and she’s mean
But nobody taught her it takes a lot of water
To wash away New Orleans
I was born in the rain on the Pontchartrain
Underneath the Louisiana Moon
I don’t mind the strain of a hurricane
They come around every June
High black water, a devil’s daughter
She’s hard, she’s cold and she’s mean
But nobody taught her it takes a lot of water
To wash away New Orleans
Mary Christine, I’ve never heard of The Band of Heathens. They are fantastic, wow. Thanks for the introduction.
I think I might have to thank Yo for turning me on to Colter Wall (featuring The Dead South) but for some real Southern even if the Dead South is Canadian. Our Canadian friends can claim them.
I grew up in the South. I was raised to be a Gentleman in North Carolina, but my old town wasn’t exactly traditional Southern…
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From a Tshirt in my old town, “Welcome to Fayettenam! We play by a different set of rules. Don’t come around here running your mouth. Don’t try that tough guy shit! We’ll fuck you up. If you’re reading my shirt, you’re too close. Back dafuckup!” Made me smile every time I saw it.
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Hi Jim,
‘Love this piece!!! Yes I live and most likely will die in DIXIE!!!! Ya’ have to remember too that DIXIE is not just a “Place,” a “Geographical Location,” No, it is a “State of Mind!!” It was pretty well summed up in the article!!
Some people think “Gone with the Wind ” is DIXIE… well maybe a bit but to me DIXIE is more TENNESSEE WILLIAMS,”Cat on a Hot Tin Roof!!” with Paul and Liz!!! I can go on…
Go to your local book store and find a copy of “White Trash Cooking” by Ernest Matthew Mickler …. For Christmas in 1986 I got this book from a now late friend… She said, “Dear Bill: I didn’t know they owned measuring cups and spoons. My Grandmother (whose most blistering insult was, “She’s white gravy) didn’t and a lot of her stuff is in here.
Love and enjoy,
Lu
Go to page 86 and check out in the Candies, Cakes and Cookies… the “Resurrection Cake!!!” “OH MY!!”
Thanks for sharing “DIXIE!!!” I could add another couple of pages to the original if my Whiskey would hold out!!!
‘To Live and Die in DIXIE!!!,
skybill
PS In the middle of Ernie’s Book is a bunch a’ pictures…. One of ’em is “Toady Jones Grocery” with “SEE Beautiful ROCK CITY” painted on the roof!!!! ‘Had a store like that just “down the road a piece” where I would stop and buy a “Coke!!!!” and some “Stage Planks” on my way to the “Fishin’ hole!!!!
It’s worth a look!!
Where do you live, Skybill? I’ve seen that building roof saying, “See Rock City.” Was that Georgia? Tennessee? Sorry, it was years ago.
There are some yankees that don’t understand that some of us don’t care that we don’t care what they say/think. Arrogant bastards.
I LOVE the south. Wish I would have married a southern woman (Georgia, preferably)…if I had, I’d still be married.
That said, I have to contest this comment: “Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how
to barbecue.”
REALLY, vinegar in your barbecue sauce??? I’m looking at you, North and South Carolina! Ugh.
Addendum: I was raised a Midwesterner, so I acknowledge a bias against vinegar.
Now if I could only get the hell out of the D.C. area…
Shark…after who you marry, the next most important daily reality is where you live…SWIM Shark SWIM!
You’re wrong about the BBQ, at least in NC. The eastern side of NC uses vinegar, “down east”, as it’s called.
The western side is the real deal.
Both use it….Western NC just puts it in the sauce on the table you put on yourself…Eastern NC they (usually) mix it in to the whole batch before serving. The main difference though is West uses the shoulder only, while East is whole hog so Western seems a bit “cleaner”. I prefer the Western as that is where I grew up…but having moved to a more Eastern area that style has grown on me.
Aint’ no better way to do it than how it is made in NC.
All this talk of BBQ is making me hungry. I have a sauce recipe; using buttermilk, bourbon, and beer. It will make you go home and slap yo’ mama. My dead old dad made it up years ago, and I have never given it away.
Better write it down, lock it in a safe, and pass it on to the kids.
EC- I would ask Thing in Room 101 for that intriguing BBQ sauce recipe but it looks like we’ll have to kick his ass to get it being how he teases but never gives it out. Bourbon makes everything better.
I will divulge; the buttermilk is used as a marinate over night; the bourbon, and other things, are basted on during the cooking; the beer is in a thick “dipping” sauce. Non of this carries any real amount of alcohol, but it does give it a “zing”.
Pordon me; that should have read as “dear old dad”. I never claimed to be real bright, and I know I can’t spell.
the late great lewis grizzard on southern language–