Submitted by aka.attrition
Here are the official Coronavirus Guidelines:
1. Basically, you can’t leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.
2. Masks are useless. But they will protect you. They can save you, no they can’t, they’re useless, but wear one anyway. Now they’re mandatory. But maybe. Or not.
3. Stores are closed, except for the ones that are open.
4. You should not go to the hospital unless you have to go there. Stay out of the ER at all costs unless you’re having a medical emergency then it’s okay.
5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster. Stay calm.
6. Gloves won’t help, but they can still help. Especially if you wear the same pair for hours and everywhere you go, then you can not spread germs, nope. #science
7. Everyone needs to stay home, but it’s important to go out because sun. Sunlight will kill the virus but not if the virus kills you first by walking in the sunlight where you may be exposed to the virus.
8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.
9. The virus has no effect on children except those it has affected or will affect.
10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested yet, and a tiger.. and one really deadly but also possibly fictional but very sick bat.
11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms.
12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but also never go out to the grocery store so eat shelf stable processed crap and stay inside your four walls but also stay healthy.
13. It’s better to get some fresh air, but you may be arrested if you’re getting fresh air the wrong way and most importantly, don’t go to a park, the fresh air there is deadly.
14. Under no circumstances should you go to retirement homes, but if you have to take care of the elderly and bring them food and medication then fine. Just wear gloves. The same ones. All day.
15. If you are sick, you can’t go out, but you can go to the pharmacy to get your medications. Just don’t make eye contact cause you may spread your sickness that way.
16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn’t wear masks or gloves. But you have to leave your groceries outside for 3 hours to be decontaminated by the fresh air that also may have virus particles floating around in it.
17. Taxi drivers are immune to the virus apparently since you can still take a taxi ride with a random taxi driver. Just don’t take the taxi to your mom’s house because you know. Stay away from your mom.
18. You can walk around with a friend if you stay six feet apart but don’t visit with your family if they don’t live under the same roof as you. Even if you’ve all been locked inside for two months already. You may still have the virus and just not know it yet. You’ll find out. Wait another week. Wasn’t that week? Might be the next one. Keep waiting.
19. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance. Social distancing means you shouldn’t leave your house and don’t be social, except you may go to the liquor store but don’t socialize there while you’re being socially distant.
20. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn’t say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Oh no, not necessarily.
21. The virus stays in the air – well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further, maybe.
22. We count the number of deaths but we don’t know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were “almost dead” to find out if that’s what they will die of…
23. The virus will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity.. but stay inside until the virus disappears.
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100% accurate.
Clear as mud.
This is funny and not so funny at the same time.
The medical mafia doesn’t know which end is up all the time.
Coffee is bad for you.
Coffee has antioxidants so it’s good for you.
Doctors were used in cigarette commercials to sell the product.
Cholesterol is bad for you.
No, it’s the triglycerides.
Oncologists treat cancer with poison and that’s the preferred approach.
Most oncologists wouldn’t recommend their treatments to their own family members.
Mercury is a dangerous toxin to be avoided.
Dentists used mercury to make amalgam and placed it in your mouth.
Mercury is purposely placed in vaccines and we’re supposed to anxiously await their latest concoction for this Covid scare.
We don’t need comedians to make stuff up as the medical mafia does a swell job on their own.
Remember when broccoli was reported to have cancer causing agents and now days it is considered a vital superfood.
How about when the medical mafia labeled Marijuana a gateway drug with dangerous brain effects and now we have public companies in the pot business with new and improved studies of the beneficial effects of THC and CBD.
Those same medical frauds probably own some of the stock in those companies. Not to mention that the US still has people locked up for pot possession when people can now ‘legally’ purchase it. The entire fucking system is one giant swindle.
Colorado was one of the first states to legalize-first “medical” then recreational. Each time there was a vote since substantial taxes were part of the game and new taxes must be approved first. The bait: some of the taxes were to go for various “do it for the kids” angles. After several years worth of tax collections guess what? The “kids” are getting screwed-promised revenues from taxes are not meeting “expectation”-never mind that “expectations” were all pie in the sky in the eyes of the promoters as well as the supportive voters. Throw in all the extra unplanned expense that the deep thinkers overlooked (extra law enforcement, regulatory, and judicial activity, higher ER costs-the list is almost endless). Yes, one giant swindle, again and again.
That was fun. Following Jesse Ventura’s observation that like professional wrestling when the performance is over and they’re backstage they all laugh at how goddam stupid the audience was to have believed the act, politicians do the same thing. No wonder they have such contempt for the rabble.
How I detest democracy.
Such outstanding, life saving guidelines with clarity and concision as the hallmark. I feel safer already.
The individual who wrote this is obviously a top ranked U.S. Senior Executive Service bureaucrat or an expert working for the World Health Organization.
Really?
I posted this originally…..
I can’t keep track of what gets posted. aka.attrition sent it to me by email today.
HaHaHa!!!
It’s ok, I was just going to delete my stupid girly whiney comment! I’m so bored…..it’s snowing in Michigan again.
Whatever you do don’t buy any vegetable seeds!
That would be the global warming we warned you about that you are STILL ignoring!
Just a point – this was not my original. Someone emailed it to me (without any attributions) and I thought it would be funny for TBP readers
Let it be known that I have print these guidelines and posted them on the main entry door of my establishment so as to be in full compliance with city, county, state, federal, NIH, CDC, WHO, WTF, UN, NWO, TPTB and finally, KMFA governance.
Your welcome.
And don’t touch your face.
Buy a bidet and use it.
Keep it general, vague and arbitrary.
A general sense of confusion and disorder is the government’s best friend.
Then let Ruth Bader Ginsberg sort it all out.
I believe she’s busy working out and hoarding ventilators.
When she isn’t busy giving Slick blow jobs.
Don’t Fart!
https://nypost.com/2020/04/20/can-the-coronavirus-be-spread-through-farts/
The lock downs were not a mistake, and were the only weapon available to fight this thing. First, stop with all the bullshit about this being the flu or anything like it. This is a bio-engineered virus containing both elements of SARS and of AIDS . It attacks both the respiratory system and the circulatory system shutting off blood supply to the organs and causing organ damage, in addition to attacking the lungs. It is basically a killing weapon. Also stop the bullshit about “herd immunity” there is no herd immunity for this thing. Once you are exposed to it, you can still catch it again and die from it. YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE. In fact there is evidence that you are actually more likely to die from it when reinfected because of the irreparable damage done by it the first time.
Even if you only have a moderate case of this virus, the damage done by it is permanent, and will effect your health from that point on.
In short, this is some nasty shit, and even with all the extraordinary measures being taken worldwide to stem the tide of damage, hundreds of thousands will die, and millions will have their health permanently impacted. This puts the damage done by this thing on the scale of a major war. And that is WITH all the lock downs. Without them this could be 100 times worse.
Prior generation had their lives disrupted by war, the dust bowl, Spanish Flu, and other tragedies, and they handled it without any where near the complaining and tantrums we see now. If you think the lock-down in inconvenient, just wait a few months until the depression hits, and you will think this was a trip to Disneyland. And no, the lock-down did not cause the depression, but it will definitely be blamed for it.
So suck it up and stop whining and complaining. You do not have the right to be a danger to others. Your rights end where you begin to be a danger to others.
I know its hard.. but try to be a responsible human being. And stop with the idiotic conspiracy theories.
24) Talk a great game about helping small businesses keep their employees during this time of crisis, and then give the taxpayer’s money to your patrons.
corrupt government at work, not they they actually work:
Did business with Quantum many moons ago; one of the slimiest outfits in those days.
OK, Karen.
BAAAAAHHH BAAAAAAAAHHHH
sources? citations? evidence? something?
Have you ever had the flu?
“And no, the lock-down did not cause the depression, but it will definitely be blamed for it.”
Deep recession was probably inevitable at some point, but if you think shutting down much of the economy for a month or more won’t worsen matters, turn recession into depression, or turn depression into … well, there isn’t really a word for it; then you’ve gone full retard.
Never go full retard!
Especially try not to do so on multiple fronts all at the same time.
Economic indicators were turning south before the virus started. The virus is definitely supercharging the downturn, but the real foundation for the depression was the actions taken in 2008 to inflate asset prices and postpone the correction that should have happened then. If the economy was healthy prior to the virus, it would rebound as soon as the virus lock down ended. That will not happen because asset inflation has pushed asset values far beyond their intrinsic values, based on false perceptions.
This depression will not end until asset prices fall back to a level sustainable by incomes.
BRAVO
And I’m supposed to believe those in charge are conspirators? They’re all shit for brains.
Government is basically grossly incompetent. The people in charge of government do not have any practical experience at anything except running election campaigns and taking bribes. The virus is really dangerous, but not nearly as dangerous as the government attempts at dealing with it.