FRIDAY FAIL

Once more defying popular demand (and common decency), I present Friday Fail of the Week. After lengthy consideration (the standard 3 minutes) of innumerable failures of public figures and organizations this week, I’ve narrowed it down 4 candidates:

1) First up is MSNBC, which, in its role as Biden regime head cheerleader, stretched credulity to the snapping point in telling the stunned masses inflation is good. I mean, who in their right mind would believe that? That’s almost as ridiculous as thinking that the public would believe that their vaccine works up to the second they encounter an unvaccinated knave. Let’s consider briefly the Biden admin’s unfolding inflation narrative. “There’s no inflation . . . well, there is but it’s transitory . . . it’s still transitory but transitory can last for years . . . Okay it’s a lot closer to permanent than transitory, but inflation isn’t our fault (after all, our trillion-dollar spending packages are deflationary!), it’s price gouging by energy suppliers and has nothing to do with closing down pipelines . . . and, anyway, regardless of any of this, inflation is good!” Rent up 30% this year? Be happy that the rental market is so healthy. Gas and used cars cost half again as much as they did last year? So what? You shouldn’t be driving anyway; don’t you care about ruinous global warming? Rising food prices mean your children are starving to death? Think of the good that does for the world with fewer hungry mouths to feed, and think how much you’ll save on groceries. So stop bitching and pass the grasshoppers.

2) Second nomination is Cornell University, which has stocked men’s washrooms with baskets of free ‘mxnstrual’ products (does the x stand for extra loony?). If I were a student there and encountered this I would write to the imbeciles in charge as follows.

Dear Cornell U

Thank you for the mxnstrual products in men’s bathrooms, but I have a question. Where do I insert the tampon? When I tried inserting it into my penis, it hurt like hell and bled a great deal; thank God for the maxipad or I’d have bled out for sure. So, I guess I’m supposed to shove it up my ass? If so, is it mandatory? I only ask because, not being gay, I don’t like things shoved up my ass, and though it would be unseemly to require something so outrageous, that didn’t stop Cornell from requiring me to take a needle that could kill or maim me for life for disease that’s harmless to my age group. I look forward to your response.

Sincerely, Bob

3) And speaking of things shoved up one’s backside, our third nominee is transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg, who promised $1 billion from Biden’s infrastructure bill to rectify racial inequities in U.S. highway design. Quoting the honourable homo, “…there is racism physically built into some of our highways.” I must admit to some dubiety when I heard this while driving my car. How could any sentient being think roads are racist, I asked myself as I took a left onto Nigger Street. I thought maybe if I could see through leftist eyes I could understand it, so I shut off my higher faculties with a liberal dose of LSD and closed my eyes. Just then I heard screams and something smashed against my windshield. Then I heard screeching tires and a huge crash and I was thrown forward as my car stopped suddenly. Opening my eyes I saw a pink unicorn, a bloody chink lying on the road shaking his fist and hollering at me, and a van full of moaning spicks (maybe 25 of them) yelling at me something in Spanish (it sounded like, “vete a la mierda”). Then, though it might’ve had something to do with the LSD–or the earthquake–the road opened up in front of me and swallowed entire van full of spicks! From the other direction came a Lexus stuffed with coons, which plunged into the canyon, its occupants shrieking in terror, and I thought, ‘Lexus? Where’d they get that?’ At that moment I had to admit maybe the road is racist.’ When the LSD wore off, though, I shook my head and concluded that the concept of racist roads seems so farfetched only a leftist could believe it.

4) Sticking with the sodomy theme (notice how many failures involve gaydom?) the US Navy christened and launched a ship this week named after a dead gay-rights activist. The USNS Harvey Milk is, fittingly enough, a “replenishment oiler,” in other words a lubricator, which is right up fag alley. I’m not sure if the idea of naming a ship after a homofagual is meant to prostrate our enemies with laughter or send them scurrying away, fearful the Harvey Milk sailors, armed with lubricating oil, will board their ship then board their sailors. Or maybe the Babylon Bee is correct when it supposes the ship will be crewed by young boys, in which case it will anchor off Washington in Chesapeake Bay to keep the sodomites who rule us happy.

The winner: Pete Buttagay. Congrats, Pete! I can accept that you’re gay; it’s probably not your fault, just some fuckup in your brain, but I can never forgive such arrant stupidity. Anyone who can see and think knows we don’t have a problem with racist roads; our problem is unvaccinated roads.

Enjoy Friday Fail.

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