Tag: athletes
U.N.C. Boosters Outraged That Some Athletes Took Real Classes
Guest Post by Andy Borowitz
CHAPEL HILL (The Borowitz Report) — An organization of University of North Carolina athletic boosters expressed shock and outrage today over a report that a few members of U.N.C. sports teams may have taken real classes, despite the widespread availability of fake ones.
The report, which alleges that several players may have fulfilled the curriculum requirements of actual classes, sent shock waves through the U.N.C. booster community.
“These players apparently attended classes, wrote papers, and took exams,” Hal Cowlington, the president of a prominent U.N.C. booster club, said. “The impact of these distractions on their athletic performance is, to put it mildly, incalculable.”
A spokesman for the university was quick to say that the cases of athletes taking real classes appeared to be “isolated incidents,” but promised that U.N.C. would press forward with a full investigation of the matter.
“As a university, it is our sacred duty to protect our athletes from education,” the university spokesman said. “We can—and we must—do better.”
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What Privileges Do Student-Athletes Receive?
This week’s revelation that the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill inflated grades for thousands of athletes has shed light on the advantages that many college sports stars are given over other students. Here are some of the benefits and perks that student-athletes receive at colleges around the nation:
- Athlete mentorship programs that pair freshmen with older student-athletes who already have experience getting out of sexual assault charges
- Unlimited access to academic support services they have no reason to use
- At many Division I schools, personal tutors are assigned to each student-athlete to supply them with free urine samples
- Early registration times allow scholar-athletes to enroll in the most in-demand fluff courses
- At Ohio State, athletes receive complimentary transportation to and from crime scenes
- An equitable percentage of the billions of dollars of revenue generated by collegiate athletics
- Little bit of exercise
- At the United States Military Academy, all student-athletes are offered guaranteed employment after graduation
- It is a privilege every time a University of Georgia football player puts on a jersey to represent those colors on the gridiron
- The possibility that, after four years of hard work and sacrifice, they might have the opportunity to be cut by the Jacksonville Jaguars during the second week of training camp
- Athletes at the University of Pennsylvania are granted unlimited access to the school’s private collection of Benjamin Franklin quotes
- A few athletic programs across the country allow athletes to attend lectures and complete course assignments, usually resulting in a college degree