A couple months ago I bought an Excelsior Food Dehydrator. I’m drying fruits, veggies, and even meats. Homemade beef-jerky … nothing quite like it.
So, I bought a new mandarin slicer because it’s important to get ALL the pieces the same thickness … otherwise they dry unevenly.
So, I tried it out. It came with a protective sliding guard. The instructions said, in huge 800-point bold print — DO NOT USE SLICER WITHOUT THE GUARD — BLADES ARE EXTREMELY SHARP!! So, I tried it with a potato. However, I found it to be too cumbersome to hold the potato in place. So I didn’t use it. Next thing you know, in the blink of an eye ..BAM!!! … there’s blood gushing out all over my new slicer. This pissed me off.
I sliced about an 1/8 of an inch of flesh right off – about the same thickness as a thick slice of bologna — from my thumb joint to almost the tip. Did it hurt? Ummmm, YES!! Did I mention there was a lot of blood, everywhere? Oh, yeah, I did.
Well, I very quickly grabbed the first thing I could find to stem the blood flow. It was a dish cloth. It was not a clean dish cloth as I had been using it to wipe down the countertops. (The doctor said this was not a very good idea on my part.) Then I ran to the bathroom, poured iodine over the wound (holy fuckme in the ass … do I have to tell you that hurt?), wrapped it in 5 layers of gauze, and wrapped that with 6 feet of white tape. My thumb then looked like it belongs on The Hulk. Ms Freud and I take off to the RediMed Emergency Clinic.
So, we arrive. Not even one person in the waiting room! Great. This should go fast. I go to the front desk and the conversation goes something like this;
CLERK: How can I help you?
ME: I sliced off part of my thumb from the joint to the tip. (I show her my Hulk Thumb.)
CLERK: Have you been here before?
ME: No.
CLERK: You need to fill out this paperwork. (She hands me 5 sheets of paper … some need to be filled out on both sides.)
ME: I can’t. I’m right-handed. (I show her my right thumb again).
CLERK: Then your wife will have to fill it out. You can’t see a doctor until the paperwork is done.
ME: Look, I’m in a fair amount of pain. And, my blood is oozing from this retarded bandage job. (Despite all the bandaging, I didn’t cover the very tip of my thumb, and droplets of blood are making their escape.) It’s not like we’re gonna run away or anything. How about Ms. Freud fills this out while I see the doctor?
CLERK: Do you believe your injury is life-threatening?
ME: Of course not. But if I don’t see a doctor right away, yours might me. (I said this in a light hearted manner, but Nurse Ratchet had no sense of humor, and didn’t even crack a smile.)
CLERK. Then I’m sorry, you must fill out the form first.
So we take the 10-15 minutes to fill out all the bullshit … I’m still not sure why it was important to ask if either of my parents have hypertension. We go back to the front desk.
CLERK: That will be $200 for the doctor visit. You have to pay NOW. (Yes, she emphasized “now” … she’s only “known” me 15 minutes, and she’s already tired of my bullshit.)
ME: Here ya go.
CLERK: We need collateral.
ME: What the hell are you talking about!!??
CLERK: The $200 is for the consultation with the doctor. If other supplies or services are provided there will be a charge for those. We need collateral to insure payment.
ME: How about my damn pants, I wouldn’t dream of leaving without them. (Yes, I said that. But, once again, Nurse Ratchet finds me very unfunny. I think she’s related to Calamity.)
CLERK: No. We need car keys.
Well, I toss the keys to her while mumbling to Ms Freud loud enough for Nurse Ratchet to hear ‘well, at least she didn’t ask for the deed to the fuckin house’. We’re told to take a seat. It takes another 5 minutes to actually receive Top Secret Clearance to see the doctor. I’m thinking I would have gotten faster service if I kept the house-deed comment to myself.
Finally, I am escorted to the Secret Back Room. I am attended to by two young people who are not doctors. The girl is entering stuff in the computer … she’s asking me the same shit that was in the forms I just filled out! No, I don’t have AIDS. No, I don’t have diabetes. No, I’m not allergic to drugs. But, I’m nice to her because she has a nice ass, of which I have a birds-eye view, as long as she’s typing on the computer. Also, the guy is doing something productive. He’s taking off the bandage. It takes him several minutes. “Wow, this is some kind of wrapping you did!”. I suddenly feel so proud of myself. That is, until he gets to the gauze that actually against my raw flesh which is stuck to my flesh even though I am bleeding … ‘a most amazing fucking phenomena’ I think to myself. The guy cleans it out, holding my hand over a little pan, but at one point he pours some solution on it, and my hand involuntarily jerks … just a little bit … but enough to send the pan careening to the floor, Stucky-blood spattering on Ms Freud’s shoes. She hates the sight of blood and semi-freaks out, and the girl comes over to calm her down. Damn. There goes my nice ass view.
Shortly afterwards, a Physicians Assistant shows up, takes a look at Hulkthumb, and I swear on my everlasting soul the first fucking thing he says is “Wow!”. This is probably the 3rd worst thing a patient ever wants to hear a doctor say after, 1) ‘Huh, I’ve never seen that before’, and 2) ‘Let me go get another doctor’. He did a good job though. Plus, he was attending Seton Hall, the same school Ms Freud graduated from so, short of amputating my thumb he was Golden in her book. I got antibiotics, a tetanus shot, and some oxy-whatever pain pills … which I believe I can sell on the streets of Newark for $30 bucks a piece, thereby recouping my loss, plus some. I will have a scar. My thumb, once beautifully proportionate and well formed is now ugly. Will I ever be loved again?? Yet, somehow, I found the will to live. It’s the kind of guy I am.
Let me conclude by giving ya’ll two Stucky PSAs; 1) God help you if you ever need extensive medical care and you can’t fill out a fucking form and, 2) ALWAYS use the blade-guard on slicers
Stuck having an amusing conversation with Nurse Ratchet.
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What Stuck was thinking he’d like to do to Nurse Ratchet.
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Better for hitchhiking
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Stuck doing a little woodworking
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Admin
That funny. Real fuckin’ funny. Krist. How about sending a little compassion and sympathy my way? What do I have to do to get that? Cut my nuts off? Jeez.
You do realize I now have two assholes, thanks to the reaming Ms Freud has given me these past two days for being “the most stubborn jackass” on the planet. It is a heavy burden I carry daily.
The physician’s assistant needs to go back to med school and learn rule one- always say “there” instead of “whoops”
Stucky- are you drying raw potatoes or firm pre-cooked? or have you given up on potatoes?
Stuck – by memory, you are pushing sixty. Sixty fucking years old and you still go and use a meat slicer without a guard.
You do jot need compassion. You need your ass kicked. What the fuck is wrong with you? Mrs Freud should be beating shit out of you with a rolling pin for being so stupid.
So what is next on the agenda – firecracker up your ass to see if it hurts? Compassion my fat ass.
The doctors will be talking about the guy and the meat slicer for weeks. I guess you should be thankful yo did not self-circumcise.
But glad you will be ok. But for fuck sake, i do not want to see you on the Darwin awards.
Stuck about to do some yard work
Stuck enjoying nature
Stuck as a precocious child
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porter — I’m making pickled carrot sticks today …. chopped up two pounds of carrots. I used a paring knife!! I am very afraid of that slicer. It’s evil. We put it downstairs in the pantry. Maybe in a few months I’ll give it another try.
llpoh … no to firecrackers. But, have you ever tried putting a match to your farts? There’s Darwin material there also.
Two thoughts:
1) Sometimes it’s okay to use dangerous equipment without a guard. My table saw doesn’t have a guard; I like it that way because I always know where the saw blade is relative to my appendages. I didn’t remove the guard, it actually came from the box that way, back in the days when if you cut your thumb off with a table saw, nobody thought of suing the saw manufacturer but merely considered you careless or a dumbfuck. Sometimes the most dangerous things are those that don’t look dangerous, such as heavy things that move slowly.
2) Ratchet is a type of wrench. Ratched is a fictional wench from a movie.
You are a wuss.
It doesn’t surprise me you incurred your fatal injury while you were using a fruit slicer.
Stucky:
KaD
Way cool. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna order one. Thanks.
Stuck, the gloves are great for microplaners, and zesters but are no match for the mandolin. The mandolin will take the end of the glove off with your finger inside of it just like that.
If Ms Freud wore those heels, she wouldn’t have to stare at my navel all day.
I’ll give you the ER doctor perspective:
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Please extrapolate to 2013 and beyond.
In medicine, the more computers you have, the more paperwork you need.
The people in the clinic thought you were a dumbass. Even worse, since your a man using a slicer. Good thing you didn’t injure your precious moobs.
Stucky- Sorry I have done my fair share of pissing off nurses and doctors. I am truly a difficult patient. Though, I don’t think that surprises anyone here. I had my doctor trying to explain a surgery that I was about to have, which I cut him off and told him I looked it up already. I proceeded to tell him a first year medical student video details and pissed him off. He didn’t know what a “youtube” was for. I unhooked my own IV after I got tired of getting up to piss every 30 minutes. I refused hospital drugs in favor of taking the hydrocodone I already had with me. A week later my bandages were leaking and bandaged myself up again, pissed off my surgeon because he deserved the “honor” of the first reveal.
BTW, 30 dollars is too high a price. Scripts are easy to get on the street. You are looking at maybe 10, 15 tops.
“Stuck doing a little woodworking”
No – Stuck shouldn’t be allowed to play with power tools.
And don’t even think about a chain-saw!!
I learned to keep up a continuous conversation while using cutting tools. and I use a lot of cutting tools. I’ve worn out a pile of chainsaws, and a chainsaw can go one hell of a long time before it wears the cylinder so much it loses compression. and yeah, house and boat builder, cabinets, yada yada yada. I was thinning 50 acres one season (chain saw) and right about quitting time one day I had my head down at bar level and the tip caught a hidden stob and threw the bar back at my face. I slapped it down before it got my nose, but I clenched my paw shut and got on out of there. turned out it only tore the end off my fuck you finger. no big loss, and it mostly came back except for the nerves. dint bother with driving the 2 hours to town to deal with a doc.
The conversation I maintain while using tools? Goes like this- Don’t cut me, don’t cut me, don’t cut me….
pickled carrots sounds good, already got pickled cukes and green beans, kraut going, and a couple quart cases of apple sauce. to mention but a few.
Z – I have a lot of experience with machinery that requires guards. and I mean a lot – more than the rest of the folks that post on this forum combined. And I have a lot of experience managing plants that use tablesaws.
Re tablesaws and no guards – it is an extremely bad idea. I get your point, but have you thought what would be the outcome if you were to trip and fall into the spinning blade? I have known that to happen – appendages are the least of your problems in that event.
I ran a plant where we had dozens of woodworkers. some had been in the industry for decades. you could tell how long the older guys had been in the job based on how many fingers and thumbs they had lost. One or two losses a decade were standard for the older folks. But, the younger folks, who came thru using guards, and had been in the business say 15 years had all of their digits.
I spend a lot of my life trying to keep dimwits from cutting off their thumbs, from dropping shit from high places, from stamping their hands and arm into jelly with big presses because the take the guards off, from running over folks with forklifts, from rewiring electrical outlets, from blowing compressed air up the asses of their co-workers (I fucking kid you not), from climbing several stories up the outside of racking when forklifts are not available, etc etc etc.
I kid you not – I have seen all of this shit happen. Each time the means were readily available for the employee to do the job safely, but the stupid gene kicks in and then bang – off goes a hand, an arm, someone gets an embolism or gets fried, someone gets crushed by a forklift. I have seen all of this shit – and none of them were true accidents – they were all related to stupidity and someone doing exactly opposite of what they had been told to do, or told not to do.
So I have a lot of trouble being compassionate when someone self-inflicts. My response is quite the opposite, as I generally get the priviledge of paying for their stupidity.
Leave the guards on. Do not fuck with air or electrics. Do not climb up or o shit. Do not drive a forklift with load forward downhill (back the fuck downhill).
I fire anyone I catch breaking these rules. No second chances. There are lots of safety rules, but these are the ones if broken will/can kill or maim.
Every watched professional meatslicers? They use guards. And they also usually use those metal gloves. Live and learn.
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Very funny stuff. I hope it heals well for ya Stuck
what about the slice that came off your thumb? did you put it in the dehydrator? a little Stucky jerky!
Sorry about the missing digit-tip, Stuck. But I LMAO at the whole thread…..
MA
Stucky: In your case maybe you should consider the chain mail version:
Expensive, but still less than you paid to get in to see the doctor.
You have to watch out for meat slicers, but boy howdy you REALLY need to be careful around meat grinders:
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Stucky
The first time I used my shiny new mandolin, I also sliced off a piece of my thumb. Fortunately I avoided a trip to the ER, but I do recall picking my flesh out of the potato slices.
I too avoided the thing for months, but finally gathered up courage to try again. I thought it might be prudent to read the directions this time, and all went well. It is a fantastic time-saver.
llpoh
Eeeeww. This was a fun thread until you posted those pics. What a party pooper.
Missed opportunity !
Shoulda cut off more..
Jeebuz Stucky! Where do I start……….first off it a mandolin not mandarin. I think the latter is a chink or a small citrus fruit. Calamity can probably confirm this! LOL! A little humor for the wounded. Second, it’s NOT super important that everything be the same thickness. Chances are you are going to have to rotate trays and product to get everything evenly dry even if the slices are perfectly uniform. Third, if you are going to use a mandolin slicer, get a damn chain mail glove.
Why the hell did you go to the Dr? Just flip the Stucky slice to the dog, run the bleeding appendage under cold water while allowing it to bleed then wrap a rag around it and tape it up tight to stop the bleeding. Elevate it as well. When the bleeding stops or slows sufficiently, get your ass back to work! I cut the tip off my thumb with a brand new, oily utility knife one day. Cut it clean off including the nail. I just rinsed off the severed tip and the stump, placed the tip back in place and wrapped it with TP and then some duct tape. Damn thing healed up fine but it took about a year and a half for the feeling to come back.
As far as the Quack-In-A-Box place goes……..next time remove the bandage just before going in and toss it up on the roof. Walk in breathing heavily and flop the bleeding part up on the counter then fall to your knees and make hurling noises. TRust me, they’ll let you fill out the paperwork and worry about collateral later. Pretending to not speak engrish helps too!
Finally, I think you meant Excaliber Dehydrater not Excelsior. If so, congratulations! That is a great dehydrator and I have one myself. You will have to rotate trays just a little bit but it gives you a chance to hunt down a few samples.
I hope you heal up soon. Skip the Oxy’s as that shit is not good. Save them as part of your preps for when TSHTF.
I_S
I_S
Jeezus Krist!! First, I, the great native Austrian Oak, misspelled sour kraut. Now, mandarin. And, Excelsior. Oh Lawd, save me! Some funny stuff and advice you posted.
I knew it’s a mandolin. I misspelled it and Word auto-corrected it to mandarin …. “a chink or a small citrus fruit” … freaking hilarious!
Actually, I did NOT want to go to the doctor. It was Ms Freud who was totally freaking out. I shortened the story for brevity to avoid boring details. For example, over an hour passed from the time I did the Hulk-Thumb wrap job to the time we actually went to the RediMed.
In the meantime I was in more pain from listening to Ms Freud freaking out. Gangrene!! Blood poisoning!! If we don’t go NOW and spend a few hundred dollars … I might have to go to the hospital later and spend thousands!! I could lose my thumb!! And, yes, she even threw around that five letter word ……. DEATH!! An hour plus of this … what fuckin choice did I have?? Yeah, one of us is a pussy, and I don’t think it’s me. But, I do very much appreciate her love and caring.
Yes, it is an Excalibur. As you know, the fan on that fine machine is in the back, not the bottom as in many dehydrators. So the trays on top dry at the same rate as the ones on the bottom. Honestly, I’ve only used it about 7 or 8 times so far. I haven’t had to rotate anything yet, and everything has turned out quite well. Then again, I’ve never used all 9 trays … just 4 or 5 tops. Maybe things need to be rotated when using all nine trays?
“Do not drive a forklift with load forward downhill (back the fuck downhill).”
Fuck that, its fun to do that glidy thing where you only have two wheels on the ground. Balancing the ass of the forklift and your load is half the fun!
@Stucky – I was using some blade thing (15 years ago, can’t remember what it was called) to slice potatoes and lost the tip of my thumb. It came back just fine.
Ruined the fucking potatoes though, even after I rinsed them off no one would eat them. Ended up having to wash and slice a new batch. Fucking pussies.
PS: I used electrical tape and a napkin for my bandaid, HULK THUMB SMASH
Admin, we need a special set of “like or dislike” thumb icons now just for Stucky, something with a little less thumb tip should do it.
WTF man!?
Just got back from the clinic. Doctor removed the bandage … said I was healing EXCEPTIONALLY well.
My blood pressure was 118/68. Take that bitchezz!!! Some of you make fun of my food posts and recipes. But lemme tell ya, I am one healthy sumvabitch.
Stucky,
The way the system works your thumb more than qualifies you now for SSI. MIght as well go for the whole nine yards and get all the benefits you are entitled to. Take it easy, live a life of leisure. Join the other 100 million + that are on the Government dole!