A couple months ago I bought an Excelsior Food Dehydrator. I’m drying fruits, veggies, and even meats. Homemade beef-jerky … nothing quite like it.
So, I bought a new mandarin slicer because it’s important to get ALL the pieces the same thickness … otherwise they dry unevenly.
So, I tried it out. It came with a protective sliding guard. The instructions said, in huge 800-point bold print — DO NOT USE SLICER WITHOUT THE GUARD — BLADES ARE EXTREMELY SHARP!! So, I tried it with a potato. However, I found it to be too cumbersome to hold the potato in place. So I didn’t use it. Next thing you know, in the blink of an eye ..BAM!!! … there’s blood gushing out all over my new slicer. This pissed me off.
I sliced about an 1/8 of an inch of flesh right off – about the same thickness as a thick slice of bologna — from my thumb joint to almost the tip. Did it hurt? Ummmm, YES!! Did I mention there was a lot of blood, everywhere? Oh, yeah, I did.
Well, I very quickly grabbed the first thing I could find to stem the blood flow. It was a dish cloth. It was not a clean dish cloth as I had been using it to wipe down the countertops. (The doctor said this was not a very good idea on my part.) Then I ran to the bathroom, poured iodine over the wound (holy fuckme in the ass … do I have to tell you that hurt?), wrapped it in 5 layers of gauze, and wrapped that with 6 feet of white tape. My thumb then looked like it belongs on The Hulk. Ms Freud and I take off to the RediMed Emergency Clinic.
So, we arrive. Not even one person in the waiting room! Great. This should go fast. I go to the front desk and the conversation goes something like this;
CLERK: How can I help you?
ME: I sliced off part of my thumb from the joint to the tip. (I show her my Hulk Thumb.)
CLERK: Have you been here before?
ME: No.
CLERK: You need to fill out this paperwork. (She hands me 5 sheets of paper … some need to be filled out on both sides.)
ME: I can’t. I’m right-handed. (I show her my right thumb again).
CLERK: Then your wife will have to fill it out. You can’t see a doctor until the paperwork is done.
ME: Look, I’m in a fair amount of pain. And, my blood is oozing from this retarded bandage job. (Despite all the bandaging, I didn’t cover the very tip of my thumb, and droplets of blood are making their escape.) It’s not like we’re gonna run away or anything. How about Ms. Freud fills this out while I see the doctor?
CLERK: Do you believe your injury is life-threatening?
ME: Of course not. But if I don’t see a doctor right away, yours might me. (I said this in a light hearted manner, but Nurse Ratchet had no sense of humor, and didn’t even crack a smile.)
CLERK. Then I’m sorry, you must fill out the form first.
So we take the 10-15 minutes to fill out all the bullshit … I’m still not sure why it was important to ask if either of my parents have hypertension. We go back to the front desk.
CLERK: That will be $200 for the doctor visit. You have to pay NOW. (Yes, she emphasized “now” … she’s only “known” me 15 minutes, and she’s already tired of my bullshit.)
ME: Here ya go.
CLERK: We need collateral.
ME: What the hell are you talking about!!??
CLERK: The $200 is for the consultation with the doctor. If other supplies or services are provided there will be a charge for those. We need collateral to insure payment.
ME: How about my damn pants, I wouldn’t dream of leaving without them. (Yes, I said that. But, once again, Nurse Ratchet finds me very unfunny. I think she’s related to Calamity.)
CLERK: No. We need car keys.
Well, I toss the keys to her while mumbling to Ms Freud loud enough for Nurse Ratchet to hear ‘well, at least she didn’t ask for the deed to the fuckin house’. We’re told to take a seat. It takes another 5 minutes to actually receive Top Secret Clearance to see the doctor. I’m thinking I would have gotten faster service if I kept the house-deed comment to myself.
Finally, I am escorted to the Secret Back Room. I am attended to by two young people who are not doctors. The girl is entering stuff in the computer … she’s asking me the same shit that was in the forms I just filled out! No, I don’t have AIDS. No, I don’t have diabetes. No, I’m not allergic to drugs. But, I’m nice to her because she has a nice ass, of which I have a birds-eye view, as long as she’s typing on the computer. Also, the guy is doing something productive. He’s taking off the bandage. It takes him several minutes. “Wow, this is some kind of wrapping you did!”. I suddenly feel so proud of myself. That is, until he gets to the gauze that actually against my raw flesh which is stuck to my flesh even though I am bleeding … ‘a most amazing fucking phenomena’ I think to myself. The guy cleans it out, holding my hand over a little pan, but at one point he pours some solution on it, and my hand involuntarily jerks … just a little bit … but enough to send the pan careening to the floor, Stucky-blood spattering on Ms Freud’s shoes. She hates the sight of blood and semi-freaks out, and the girl comes over to calm her down. Damn. There goes my nice ass view.
Shortly afterwards, a Physicians Assistant shows up, takes a look at Hulkthumb, and I swear on my everlasting soul the first fucking thing he says is “Wow!”. This is probably the 3rd worst thing a patient ever wants to hear a doctor say after, 1) ‘Huh, I’ve never seen that before’, and 2) ‘Let me go get another doctor’. He did a good job though. Plus, he was attending Seton Hall, the same school Ms Freud graduated from so, short of amputating my thumb he was Golden in her book. I got antibiotics, a tetanus shot, and some oxy-whatever pain pills … which I believe I can sell on the streets of Newark for $30 bucks a piece, thereby recouping my loss, plus some. I will have a scar. My thumb, once beautifully proportionate and well formed is now ugly. Will I ever be loved again?? Yet, somehow, I found the will to live. It’s the kind of guy I am.
Let me conclude by giving ya’ll two Stucky PSAs; 1) God help you if you ever need extensive medical care and you can’t fill out a fucking form and, 2) ALWAYS use the blade-guard on slicers
