I’ve Slept With 99 People & I’m Looking for My 100th & Feeling Not the Slightest Bit of Shame
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[Stucky Note: Back in my day we had a name for cunts like this. WHORE. Wonder how many sexual diseases she’s carrying?]
(Zoe Ligon) Well, I’m just going to come right out and say it.
According to the creepy (and confidential) Excel spreadsheet I keep that documents my sex life, I’ve slept with 99 people. The vast majority of these people (let’s call it 97%) were men.
I can see it now; my life as a dark romantic ’90s comedy. Young woman tallies 99 sexual partners, decides that’s “too many” partners, and saves herself for #100, and a knight in shining armor arrives. He is the hundredth mate, and he is her mate for life.
My life is not a problematically sex-negative and sexist movie plot like the above, but when I realized my “number” had reached 99, I can’t say that I didn’t think about slowing my roll.
I’ve read so many articles that try to dispel the notion that one’s number of sexual partners doesn’t matter, but they all fail miserably. I recently read a piece that interviewed 10 women, and nobody had a count over 40. I personally believe that you can sleep with 0 people or a million people, and that’s all fine with me as long as everything is safe and consensual. But I found that this article actually propelled the social construct of there being a limit on the number of people a person can sleep with.
Don’t even get me started on how a woman with 99 partners is treated in comparison to a man.
While I look down upon the slut-shaming of anyone regardless of gender, let’s be real; society was built upon texts that encourage — no, REQUIRE — women to be virgins until marriage if they want to be valued by society. A slutty man can earn his keep in the world, while a slutty woman is diseased, tainted, loose and immoral.
I could go on for ages about gender-identity and sexual promiscuity, but I’m just going to universally advocate for people of all genders who have slept with a quantity of people that elicits slut-shaming.
Do I regret sleeping with as many people as I have?
No, not one bit. While I don’t need to provide an explanation or justification for my number being 99, I’m going to dissect my sexual past.
Many of these partners were the result of one night stands or short-lived flings during ages 19-21. That’s really when most of the count accrued. I’ve been sexually active for 8 years, so that’s a little more than 12 partners per year on average, or one partner per month, although I’d say over half of my count can be attributed to that fling-filled period of my life. I’ve never been in a long term relationship, either, so surely that contributes to my “number” as well.
So, what’s in a number?
I dunno. I kept track, because I like to be able to gaze at the list and recall all my awesome, sexy memories. I don’t want to forget anyone, even the shitheads.
When I write educational sex articles, I often find that the very notion that I even HAVE sex causes people to jump to calling me names. I get “slut” and “whore” a lot, and people often like to attribute my sexuality to needing a therapist and having daddy issues. Nah guys, I just like having sex — a LOT!
Am I a “nymphomaniac?” No. Merriam-Webster defines the term as “exhibiting unusual or excessive concern with or indulgence in sexual activity,” and in my opinion, that is a very relative term. What’s unusual to one person is another person’s “normal.” I actually have a shitload of very vanilla sex. I’m all about the missionary position.
The definition also connotes an unhealthy approach to sexuality, and “nymphomaniac” is actually considered a clinical diagnosis even. I feel that I approach sex with a very healthy mindset, constantly check-in with myself and assess my actions. Of all my years (over a decade) in therapy, I have never had a therapist tell me that there was anything wrong with my sexual behavior. Maybe I just picked smart therapists!
Am I “loose?” Well, first of all, I’ve already discussed how one cannot become “loose” from too much sex. Also, fuck that terminology. Let’s just say that I can masturbate with dildos that have a very thin diameter, and it’s a nice, snug fit.
Everyone’s body is different in what shapes and sizes feel good for them, and it has nothing to do with someone’s sexual past.
Am I “diseased?” Well, I mean I had gonorrhea once, and that’s actually an STI you can get without ever being penetrated. Other than that, nope, nothing. This is surely due to the fact that I am a safe sex nazi, but you can have sex literally one time and get any STI under the sun.
STIs are also not a big fucking deal as long as you are aware of how to manage your STI and are honest with your partners. I’m absolutely sick of hearing people say things like, “Oh man, watch out for so-and-so, they’re crawling with disease,” because A. You have no idea what the fuck their medical history is, nor are you entitled to know, B. So what 1 in 5 adults has HSV and according the CDC “nearly all sexually active adults will get HPV in their lifetime” so … shut up, and C. Gossiping about people in this manner only shows how insecure and judgmental you are. Whew, end rant.
I’m ready for you, #100.
I have jokingly begun using the hashtag #lookingformyhundo, as well.
Except when I think about it, I’ve never really counted myself as a sexual partner, and oh boy, I really do the best job out of everyone. Maybe I’m the man of my dreams. Maybe #100 should actually just be… me.
Be proud of your “number,” whatever it is, even if you have no idea what it is (it really means nothing, anyway.)
Zoe is a sex educator and artist in NYC. She holds a BS in psychology from Fordham University and aspires to further pursue the study of human sexuality. Follow her on Tumblr.
“Of all my years (over a decade) in therapy” zoe
LOL!
I assume that is her picture, its obvious from looking at her she doesnt have self respect.
Amongst my friends we had a term for girls that could have grown up to be like this and in general were sluts; we called them “holes”.
Zoe Ligon is a well educated woman who’s openly embarcing a lower class, trash lifestyle. Tattoos, a foul mouth, promiscuity, bi-sexuality, STDs, and flaunting her fornication are all badges of honor for her. She’s a post-modern young woman.
Zoe’s a symptom of America’s decline who, nevertheless – did you catch this? – has a hint of feeling that she’s missing something better – her knight in shining armor.
Zoe’s an example of Americans who’ve lost their bearings.
Decades ago we had standards. People aspired to be like their betters who had traditional values and beliefs. Manners, style, hero(in)es, and exalted expectations were the norm.
Now people, miseducated by the State and manipulated by the media, think that the Budweiser-Bush-Obama me sensation consumer culture is “it.” Sleeping around, partying, drinking, and always looking for fun because “you only go ’round once” seems to be the way everyone wants to live their life?
Have you ever considered that Zoe may have the right attitude toward life and that I and you(?) may be the odd ducks missing out on the gusto?
Town bike. Everyone’s ridden it. Seat is dirty, and suspension is awfully loose.
Eh, who cares. She’s not hurting anyone. Her schedule sounds exhausting, but then I am middle-aged and lazy. I left the crazy years behind long ago and for the last two decades would prefer curling up with a good book. Also, I’ve been with the same guy now for 8 years and a while before that had one that lasted 7, and that tends to cut the number of partners down.
If she finds someone to settle down with long-term, she may regret posting this on the Internet. He’s not really going to want to know, nor should she tell him.
More than anything, I guess I just wonder why she hasn’t gotten tired of it by now. She is quite pretty, though. Maybe she attracts a lot of really hot men. Oh well, time for my nap.
Well…sex educator…BS in psychology…artist…in NYC…..yeah for some reason I’m not shocked.
I was #1, 3, 5,& 8, so I’m good.
P.S. At least she’s been smart enough not to get pregnant. Then my comment that “She’s not hurting anyone” would change 100%.
Never stick your dick in crazy.
“I’ve never been in a long term relationship, either, so surely that contributes to my “number” as well.”
Ya think? I get irritated with these young women who want to have casual sex and are aghast with slut shaming. There is a very simple way to not get slut shamed; Don’t air your dirty panties in public. I shake my head at girls who don’t realized reputation is important.
PJ – facts not in evidence. She coulda been knocked up 99 times.
Oh, I bet there are multiple abortions involved. You really think ‘careful’, is one of her personality traits?
Slut
slət/
noun, derogatory
A woman with the morals of a man.
“I feel that I approach sex with a very healthy mindset, constantly check-in with myself and assess my actions. Of all my years (over a decade) in therapy, I have never had a therapist tell me that there was anything wrong with my sexual behavior.”
—-Zoe Ligon
If she has a self-assessed very healthy mindset, why does she need to constantly check in with therapists to validate her mindset? I’d love to be her therapist. “Everything you’re doing sexually is mentally healthy. That’ll be $300, please. SEND IN THE NEXT BIMBO, HORTENSE!!!!”
“I shake my head at girls who don’t realize reputation is important.”
—-Stephanie
Good comment. Sexual activity today may be a double standard for men and women, but for now, it is what it is. You’re a smart young lady.
A decent man would NOT hit that.
SSS- I doesn’t matter if there is a double standard. If you keep your month shut you don’t have to worry or defend yourself because of the double standard. I don’t understand how my generation is so obsessed with talking about their sex lives. Especially on the damn internet!
I am proud to say that I have never paid a woman for sex. I’m ven prouder to say that I’ve never had sex with an American’t female slob.
Me thinks the classic Nigerian transgender scam.
Russia Is Strong says:
I am proud to say that I have never paid a woman for sex. I’m ven prouder to say that I’ve never had sex with an American’t female slob.
___________________________________
I envy you. I have paid a woman over $200,000 to have sex. My ex-wife.
@Zarathustra LOL x 1000!
“Would you like to be number 100?”
Yechh! I’ve heard of Sloppy Seconds my friend but Sloppy Hundredth is really pushing the limit of hygienic acceptability for me…
” I kept track, because I like to be able to gaze at the list and recall all my awesome, sexy memories. I don’t want to forget anyone”
AAAAAAND *THIS* is why she has doomed herself to a life of disappointment.
Men and women suffer the same fate.
Who thinks that Mr. or Ms. RIGHT will be not only the best friend, most reliable mate, best parent to your kids AND best roll in the sack of ANYONE, ANYWHERE?
Delusional?
I’m guessing here, but based on common sense, the “best” (as in wild, uninhibited, shocking, etc.) sex would likely be (as a man) with some bat-shit crazy bitch who swung from the chandeliers, had a kinkier sense of role play than a porn start and generally was exhausting and scary.
Want to actually MARRY that? Ne neither. Way too much drama, too much infidelity, too much screaming.
So who thinks it’s healthy to be making love to your spouse while thinking, oh man, too bad she’s/he’s NOT the one I’m most passionate about (true story, a friend told me that about his wife.)
No.
You want to keep your mind on the right things. This is why sexual promiscuity is a vice (a self-harming act one undertakes in the mistaken belief it will lead to happiness). It’s not about “morality,” it’s about insuring that the one you love, the one with whom you partner for life, the one with whom you raise kids, the one you promise to take care of (and who promises to take care of you) in old age, in sickness & health, the one who lifts you when you’re down, the one who amplifies your happy times….IS the one about whom you are most passionate, because that’s how you see it.
Also, if you have physical intimacy without emotional intimacy, it renders you less capable (if not INcapable) of reuniting those two. Physical intimacy in a monogamous relationship (marriage, to me) is the GIFT that helps lead to deep emotional intimacy.
I strongly suspect that those who habituate to sex without emotional intimacy render themselves crippled when it comes to the kind of long-term relationship I described above.
The sexual revolution paradoxically makes people lonely.
My friend who told me that his wife was NOT the girl he was most passionate with?
DIVORCED.
Big surprise, huh?
BTW, I started dating my wife when she was 15, I was 16. We were married right out of college (she finished in 3 years). We’re still married almost 33 years later.
All three of my sons married girls whose parents are still married.
Not everyone is confused in these confusing times.
Lot’s of sex but no love….
I’ve been with my wife for going on 20 years (not all of it easy so go easy on me as you read the rest of what I have to write) and as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that there is nothing – and I mean nothing – another woman can offer me. There is no substitute for TRUST when it comes to any aspect of your relationship with the opposite sex (sex, finances, children… all of it). If you don’t have trust and the loyalty that springs from it like a well bringing fresh water to a thirsty man then you are missing the point of the male-female relationship. You also require introspection (both of you) if you are going to make it work. I would guess introspection is not high on this person’s list of priorities.
There are a lot of other aspects to living a healthy life (and you certainly don’t need t be married to live them) but if you are sleeping around a lot your problem isn’t that you are horny it is that you are lost and looking for something – and you won’t find it in the beds of 100 men and counting. Personally – I’d rather _be alone_ than live the empty life this woman has chosen. This is the kind of shit that eats away at your soul as you get older… her business – yes – wise? Nope. We pay a price for this kind of behaviour as time goes on. She is lost as near as I can tell – it sums up nicely the problem with western society in the 21st century.
Narcissism at its finest….
“PJ – facts not in evidence. She coulda been knocked up 99 times.”
Oh, doubtful. Turns out, if a girl REALLY doesn’t want to become pregnant, she doesn’t have to. This girl has been busy, but it wouldn’t surprise me at all if she has never been pregnant. The worst I can think of her is that she could be spending her time better elsewhere. But then it’s her time, not mine.
Who cares about this? If you don’t want to marry her, what is it to you?
As much as li love to hit and run on this blog, writing 2, maybe 3, lines and fuck it if nobody understands what I mean, I recall a story I watched on TV once. A deeply religious dude disappeared, vanished. The entire church went looking for him in the woods since they found his car there. A long time later, a reporter traced him through the sextertainment industry. He was living with some fellow freaks. He looked empty. He said he had nothing to say to his former wife and kids, that they should consider him dead. He had engaged in every perversion known to man. This free sex business sucks the soul right out of a person. No doubt this woman needs therapy to deal with her personal demons. Go ahead and put in for number 100, STD’s are the least of your worries. There are 99 other dudes and dykes out there who have partaken of this Pandora’s box. You will get to share the crazy.
“BTW, I started dating my wife when she was 15, I was 16. We were married right out of college. We’re still married almost 33 years later.”
—-dc.sunsets
Same story, but substitute “49 years of marriage later.” Mrs. SSS wasn’t the strongest personality when I first met her, but she now says “You’re not going to wear THAT shirt to the party, are you?” Sigh. I now walk back to the bedroom and change shirts or just say, “Pick a fucking shirt.”
Somewhere along the line, I lost control. I don’t care. I love her. And she doesn’t do anything stupid. Win, win.
Francis, “We pay a price for this kind of behaviour as time goes on.”
Who is this WE of whom you so casually speak? I am certainly not paying a price for her behavior, and therefore do not care. Really, the old men are clutching at their pearls again … no doubt feeling regretful that they missed out in their younger days.
I don’t want this girl’s life but won’t throw rocks at it, either. Maybe she is making choices she won’t be happy with later on, but that is her problem, and I suspect what a lot of people feel uncomfortable with is the idea she WON’T regret it, but that is YOUR problem, not hers.
Being a truly libertarian person is not easy for everyone. You can PRETEND to not give a shit, but only the strongest crosses the line to truly not giving a shit.
@ PJ
“Who cares about this?”
Aside from the fact that she made it public i suppose what rubs most folks the wrong way is that this behaviour is to be accepted as “normal”. It’s not even normal for a guy. I’ve met guys who do this shit. They are as messed up (maybe worse) as she is. If this is to be portrayed as “normal” socially acceptable behaviour we have a problem.
“If you don’t want to marry her, what is it to you?”
It’s nothing to any us in the sense that directly affects us. It matters in the broader none governmental/legal sense (i.e.: morally) in that if we view this as “normal” (as it is intended to be portrayed IN PUBLIC) then we are as morally bankrupt as we are fiscally…. it would be nothing to any us if she kept her private life as most of us do…. private.
Or as my wife would say…. boundaries – get some.
@ Pirate – you mistake analysis for giving a crap what she does. Just because are libertarian does not mean we are “libertine”… one does not necessarily follow the other.
SSS says: she now says “You’re not going to wear THAT shirt to the party, are you?” Sigh. I now walk back to the bedroom and change shirts or just say, “Pick a fucking shirt.”
Put your foot down and tell her you ARE going to wear the paisley shirt.
I rather feel like Pirate Jo.. I don’t care what some other person does with her or his life as long as I don’t have to involve myself, or share the costs.
Personally, I would never date a man who slept around as this woman does, and I won’t continue a relationship with one who is sleeping with other females. As I told an extremely attractive, but childish and narcissistic, man I was briefly involved with a couple of decades back: when I sleep with you, I’m sleeping with whoever else you had sex with recently, and I don’t want to sleep with every goddam woman on the north lake front by proxy. I might not approve of those women and don’t want to be so intimate with them and I do not want their social diseases, no matter how minor. If you want to be with them, go BE with them and leave me alone.
I felt soiled just by the association. Not that I’m a prude, or anything, it is just not sanitary. I’m faithful when I’m in a relationship, and I expect the same of my man. If he does not like that, he is free to leave.
@ Chicago,
i agree with you. it is her business. What irritates the crap out of me is that she makes her aberrant (and what should be personal and private) behaviour public and expects the rest of us to “accept” it as normal. This behaviour has been around for as long as the human race has – we call it “whoring” – the only difference between today and 2000 years ago is that it has suddenly become fashionable and socially acceptable behaviour. Or at least Cosmo (or example) and other similar shitty MSM rags would like us to think it is.
As for the “we” I alluded to earlier – “we” all suffer in the long run for this – not because Zoe has issues with commitment and introspection but because we are fed lies and bullshit and taught/expected to accept it as truth and gospel. Now we are told whoring is self respect. I’m calling bullshit on this one for the same reason war is not peace. You can put a saddle on a pig and call it a horse all you want but it’s still a fucking pig….
“Who cares about this?” ———- PJ
Not me.
Boy scouts carrying Gay Pride flags … I don’t care about that either.
Presidents getting blow jobs from their mistresses … I don’t care about that either.
Sexual diseases destroying lives … I don’t care about that either.
Fudge packers marrying and adopting kids … I don’t care about that either.
Sexual deviancy of every sort … I don’t care about that either.
Yeah, I’m a Libertarian so I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone does with their dicks and vaginas! None of my damned business, fer sure. I feel so liberated!!
========
United States — 2
Germany ——— 0
Now, THERE’S something I care about!!
What man would marry her knowing this? And what of her parents and God forbid she has children – the shame they must/would feel
I don’t give a rat’s ass if another adult wishes to destroy herself.
I DO care that this behavior is being normed endlessly. It’s like telling people playing Russian roulette is normal, fun and should be taught in grade school.
Tonight on PBS’ “Frontline” the story was about transgenderism and how CHILDREN are increasingly being accommodated (SURGICALLY!!!) to “HELP” them assimilate.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/growing-up-trans/
————————–SCREAMING!!!!!!————-
I am sick to death of pushing this Narrative (the whole sex narrative where ANYTHING goes, kids, gays, anal…..don’t get the microbiologist in me started on THAT one) and pushing it so people can no more resist it than they can resist the mind-controllers on racism.
This BITCH is part of the frontal assault on MY LIFE. If you don’t understand that (Pirate Jo), then be ready to duck when the time comes and the Zombie Apocalypse arrives, because when that happens and someone tries to ram this crap down my throat they’d better be armed to the teeth, covered in level 4 body armor and HOPE I MISS THEIR HEADS.
The 14th amendment has been interpreted as “whatever deviants succeed in norming cannot legally be resisted.” Kids are taught about anal sex in school. Kids are taught about transgenderism in school. Parents can lose their jobs for saying that they don’t agree with the notion that gay men should have the same opportunity to adopt wards of the state as a married man and woman, as though two F-ing QUEERS can offer a vulnerable child the semblance of a mommy and daddy.
I’m not even religious and I find this indescribably repugnant. And no, Pirate Jo, I don’t have any children being adopted out. I don’t have any sexually promiscuous offspring. I’m not DIRECTLY affected by these people and their self-destruction.
But I am affected by their desire to use the law to force their deviance down my throat. And the day will come when people have nothing left to lose and…they lose it.
It won’t be me. But someone who sees the world as I do, who loses everything, will decide he’s had more than he can take and he’ll depopulate his environment of those who have relentlessly pushed their lifestyles into his life.
This young woman is, in my opinion, too stupid to properly describe. I pity her. She is ruined and has possibly 60 or more years to suffer for her foolishness. She will live a lonely life full of shallow relationships, antidepressants and in all likelihood antipsychotic drugs, not to mention self-medicating with pot, morphine, demerol, cocaine, and every other chemical additive for dulling the pain.
But thank Heaven she holds herself out as an expert on sex and relationships.
PS: The CDC claims all adults will get HPV? Bull. Shit. This is nothing but the deviants, our overlords, trying to norm the very sick approach to life they lead.
And Stucky calls me a cold-hearted prick.
dc.sunsets,
Nice rant worthy of HZK, but what she is doing is hardly new. What is new is that the fucked up side of teh internetz allows her to parade it before the world. How do we know that it is even true? Maybe she is just an an attention whore.
Stuck, was that the women’s soccer match? I missed it so I don’t know.
Steph, my millennial babe, There was a time when people talked money and never talked sex, now people talk sex and never talk money. Funny how things change.
On the Bachelorette on tv, Kaitlin slept with Nick and this coming Monday she tell all the other bachelors what she did. Either she is a self saboteur or feels excessively guilty.
This is a truism. Men always hate the men that came before them and women always hate the women that come after them.
So, Zoe, to the man that rock your socks, never and I mean never tell him about your sexual history. Keep it a secrete till your dying day. He will say it doesn’t matter, but he’s lying. It will matter to him. Tell him your a virgin and act like it and never allow him to own a computer.
But then again, there may be a dude that is excited by it all.
I have always felt that sex is a precious gift that you give to the person you love.
“Sex without love is an empty experience”,–Woody Allen
Well, well – reading this I have to think about “Life on the Meat Bourse”.
Enjoy it, while it lasts, girl. But do not hope for meeting the Knight in shimmering Armour. Ever.
I was sitting here thinking you lucky Bitch . I was a decent looking guy at one time and I never come close to that many sex partners. I never got to 10 .Hell ,now that I really think about it I never made it to 5.Shit ,Damn and good grief.I want another turn .
I was going to say “fuck her” but everybody beat me to it!
I read about some woman the other day who is a porn actress and her parents watch and offer advice!
Just for Zoe Ligon
https://youtu.be/auTu8_Q9WIM
Lyrics for the song above……..
Ten Foot Pole
Song by ZZ Top
Tidify da, sinmah gough dah hep haing ding fum gogamamo
Stry da fings thadd awondt oont do butt any il thang thad a wondt meeto
Shees my nurirng my nu esit seten’ ra mind at a ros reshoo
I don loo kadang doo my net loohah leten meen you
Hmm, I wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole
I wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole
You just don’t know what shape I’m in
Try-da-fy thedit dern tasgoo
Itel dang ifl eeton if airs ron wichoo
Day me dy ron my nek
Thars a dang ana ding doo itan beegon
Shee kina sitn wita ly dou fang
Let it ang wit a itin imin babee
Ide oln lee pak da thangs yoodo
Letit ang ifen eeton wacha ron wichoo
I wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole
One of the sexy things about my wife is she picked me. I get the privilege of rolling in the hay with her. It is a gift to me and no one else. I guess it is a somewhat unique relationship these days.
Without the lyrics, I woulda been lost.
So much wrong with this article I dont know where to start. I willl say this though, psychiatry is quackery. They need to start telling some of these patients that they are making bad decisions.
What a cum dumpster!
I’m so out of touch with this kind of reality the only parts that stuck out (no, that wasn’t double entendre) were the contradictions.
“Am I “diseased?” Well, I mean I had gonorrhea once, and that’s actually an STI you can get without ever being penetrated. Other than that, nope, nothing. This is surely due to the fact that I am a safe sex nazi, but you can have sex literally one time and get any STI under the sun.
STIs are also not a big fucking deal as long as you are aware of how to manage your STI and are honest with your partners. I’m absolutely sick of hearing people say things like, “Oh man, watch out for so-and-so, they’re crawling with disease,” because A. You have no idea what the fuck their medical history is, nor are you entitled to know, B. So what 1 in 5 adults has HSV and according the CDC “nearly all sexually active adults will get HPV in their lifetime” so … shut up, and C. Gossiping about people in this manner only shows how insecure and judgmental you are. Whew, end rant.”
Am I diseased? If having a sexually transmitted disease qualifies as “diseased”, then yes, yes you are. But you aren’t because the sexually transmitted disease you have wasn’t one that you got from having sex with one of the 99 people because you are a “safe sex nazi” (?) and everyone knows gonorrhea is an STI you can get without penetration (??) Like from a toilet seat? Really?
Here’s a person advocating for the exact behavior that transmits STI’s, claiming that’s not how you get them, besides if you are honest about it it’s cool, but it isn’t their business anyway, besides everybody is going to get it, even virgins since sexually transmitted diseases don’t need sex to be transmitted and for you to even try to call me out for being a vector for disease transmission due to my behavior shows how insecure and judgmental you are, whew, end of rant.
This essay is a window into the sickness that permeates our culture, it clearly outlines the denial, the degenerate behavior, the equivocation and double standards, the deep desire for acceptance even as she engages in the very behavior that alienates her from others, the shallow, vapid and insipid priorities and yet the deep and undeniable longing to not be what she is, to do whatever she must to pretend that her mistakes were deliberate and well planned choices and that the very society she desperately wishes she felt a part of is unworthy of her as she is. I bet the thoughts that course through her mind when she is introspective are more painful than any form of torture.
That may be one of the saddest things I have ever read on TBP.