Government Accidentally Shuts Itself Down With Ban On Non-Essential Businesses

Via The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time.

But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government. For a brief period of time, all government in the United States was illegal, since it is completely non-essential to everything.

“Oops,” said Senator Mitch McConnell. “We meant non-essential private businesses. Of course, the government is always essential, even when it’s not doing anything or making things worse.”

Senators, congresspeople, and bureaucrats frantically attempted to rewrite the ban to include only businesses that actually produced something and not government agencies that just watched other people make stuff. Though they had dragged their feet on passing bills related to relieving the financial distress of the shutdown, they passed this revision in record speed, almost as quickly as they vote for pay raises for themselves.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said she would have caught the mistake but had passed the ban in a hurry, saying, “We had to pass the ban to see what it did.”

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6 Comments
MrLiberty
MrLiberty
March 26, 2020 6:29 pm

DON’T TEASE!!!
comment image

Anonymous
Anonymous
March 27, 2020 1:59 am

Well there’s a non-satirical ban on reliable information and actual investigation … and it’s spreading like wildfire.

glock 1911
glock 1911
March 27, 2020 8:01 am

Give a man a desk and a government pension and you quickly have a prick of the highest order.

Thunderbird
Thunderbird
March 27, 2020 10:11 am

Government that have shut down business have cut their own throat. Loss of tax revenue soon to be felt will no doubt lead to payless paydays. They may be changing their tune come the middle of April when the reality of no money coming in hits them in a real way. Cannot operate without money.

Anonymous
Anonymous
March 27, 2020 11:57 am

Still printing dollars one billion a day………close shop

Anonymous
Anonymous
March 27, 2020 1:51 pm

Our non-essential government about 90% of all drawing paychecks are always busy scurrying about like cats covering up shit . “THEY” create a problem and then create a solution solving nothing at great expense .
As for elected officials “THEY”typically do not vote themselves pay raises , these scoundrels set up a system where that is automatic unless “THEY” vote against it . Well what do you know there is never enough votes to stop the pay increase !
Missed it by a few votes !
Bull Shit Alarm LOL