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Friday Fail Shallow Thoughts of the Week
It’s been quite the week. Am I referring to Israel’s abortive attempt to draw the US into a war with Iran? Nah. Do I mean the Speaker’s betrayal of the American public, with the connivance of Trump, to hand another $95 billion to the warmongers to extend or start horrible wars overseas? Yawn. Am I talking of Congress reauthorizing FISA to give the censorship industrial complex the power to spy on us unimpeded and to shut down any website for whatever damn reason it pleases? Snore. That crap can’t mean anything to me until they cart me off to jail for flapping my big mouth or they draft me to die in WW III. No, it’s been quite the week because I, Bob P, the centre of the universe, underwent hernia surgery.
You see, I had an inguinal hernia, and I needed to get a professional to stuff my intestines back where they belong. I assume ‘inguinal’ is Latin for ‘perilously close to your genitals.’ I learned how close as a kindly old black lady showed up to shave my nether region. Did you know making conversation is awkward while a stranger is shaving your pubic hair? I mean, what do you say? “What does your husband think of you handling other men’s junk all day?” Or, “While you’re at it, would you mind shaving my balls as well?” I wanted to ask, “How did you decide to do this?” I imagined the ad she responded to: “Dreaming of shaving the pubes of wrinkled old white men? Do we have the job for you!” As I thought about it, it was providential that a fine young lass didn’t carry out the chore, otherwise she’d have had to work around a rather prominent impediment, which could well have caused a sticky situation.
I can almost hear a few of you saying, “Tell us more, Bob!” even over the vast majority screaming, “Who the hell cares, Bob?” I won’t bore you with all the details of my surgery, but I will bore you with some of them.
Toronto’s Shouldice Hospital specializes in hernias—that’s all it does. Conversation among patients naturally centres on what brought them to this particular place. Most Canadians I spoke to said they went there because the wait for surgery at Shouldice is about four months, whereas the wait in most Canadian cities is two to three years! That’s what you get when the government runs a service with no co-pays or deductibles and with strict prohibitions against private-sector competition. It’s “free” so why not go to a doctor for a sniffle or hangnail? Plus, Trudeau’s let in millions of third-worlders with God knows what diseases, who clog up the system without ever having paid a dime into it.
One patient had come from London, England because of the reputation of the hospital. I imagined him telling his friends upon his return about his trip to Canada.
“I visited Canada last week.”
“Why? To see a pile of snow?”
“No.”
“Then what, pray tell, did you do in that wasteland, my good man?”
“I displayed my privates before a dozen middle-aged women, then saw a very professional man who stabbed me in the groin.”
Note that if you tend to get abashed when a bunch of aging nurses see your privates, I suggest you do not develop an inguinal hernia.
I’d say about 90% of the patients were men; women’s plumbing is different, regardless of what the pink-haired loonies tell us. Women are less prone to hernias, but they have a lot more tubes and caverns that can develop hernias. One woman there had five hernias! She must’ve looked like Quasimodo coming in and Frankenstein’s monster with patchwork-quilt stitching going out. If she walked naked into the town square the villagers would clutch their pitchforks and torches and run her out of town. We heard the five hernia repairs set a record for one patient at the hospital. Imagine being number one in that category. Of course there are worse records to hold.
“Five hernia repairs. Pfft. I got shot 12 times in Afghanistan.”
“That’s nothing. I got bum fucked 23 times at Kingston Penitentiary.”
How’d I get off on that tangent? Anyway, back to me. As they walked me into the operating room I asked the doctor, “Am I the most extraordinary patient number 10009083 you’ve ever had?” He answered, “I feel like you’re the one and only.” That, I have to tell you, made me feel really special. Did you know that most nurses are completely useless at finding veins? They poked me four times before a doctor took over and sunk it first try. The drug they gave me rendered me kind of asleep with my eyes open—now I know what it’s like to be a sheeple. Even then, though, if they told me there are 67 genders, I’d have said, “Fuck off.” With 95% of my cognitive facilities offline, I’m still more sensible than a leftist. Anyway, I felt no pain and was awake when they wheeled me to my room.
As for the food, after someone’s been waving a scalpel next to your family jewels, a fellow needs bacon and whiskey to recover. Yet, not one slice of bacon nor a drop of whiskey! Just salads, rice, chicken, and pork. For instance, lunch after my morning surgery was a fancy salad with all sorts of green, red, and yellow stuff. I excised the red and yellow bits and ruminated like a miserable cow on the green business. All in all, though, I’d say the food was passable, especially the bran muffins, which is an important consideration, for constipation is the enemy of the recently de-herniad. Those wonderful muffins came to fruition the next day, and I tell you, the entire hospital must’ve heard my “Aaahhhh” reverberate through the hallways. I expected cheers when I exited the bathroom, but all I got was frowns. Either they were jealous or they weren’t impressed by the other sounds my body made. Were I a poet I’d have written a panegyric to my shit. . . Oh what the hell:
Ode to a Wonderful Shit
By Bob P.
Save ejaculation/
There’s nothing on earth so nice/
As the relief of a shit so terrific/
You have to flush twice
Hey, I wonder if there are any scatological poetry contests, because that’s surely a winner. Then again, telling someone you won a poetry award is as embarrassing as telling someone you’re gay.
In sum, my recovery’s going well, and unless I hit a roadblock . . . whoa! . . . Well, don’t just sit there looking horrified; help me pick up my intestines!
Good to see you back Robert. You were missed last Friday.
By some.
Your habitual negger turned its crosshairs onto Colorado.
No explanation necessary. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
Carry on.
Wishing you a speedy and complete recovery – good to have you back!
(BTW, I underwent that ‘…procedure’ as an 8 year old boy. True story. Mommy dearest had me rearranging furniture for a few weeks since she couldn’t decide what was best and she insisted I had the same strength as hubbs. Well, I didn’t, obviously, and ‘…enjoyed’ about a week in hospital. The benefit – besides getting away from her – was that later in life the chickies found the scar oh-so-cool and bad-boy-like.)
Been there. Wait till the pain block wears off. Pass the oxies! Then you’ll be dealing with constipation. After that, 6 weeks of pain when picking anything up over 5 pounds. Glad I could brighten your day!
There once was a man from Racine
Who invented the fucking machine
With mechanical action
It gave satisfaction
But oh what a bitch to keep clean
I had that surgery in 2019, before the plandemic. I’m in Georgia and had to wait only a few weeks for my surgery. I thought that was long as I had to keep laying back on the bed, or another flat object, to push my intestines back in! Weird feeling for sure.
I only had the inguinal hernia on one side but, he went ahead and did both sides.
BTW, for the uninitiated it. Inguinal hernias occur where the testicles drop when we boys are infants. I guess for some of us, those openings don’t seal back quite right causing the issue.
Welcome back, you were missed last week. Pleased to see that your sense of humor has not been affected in the least. Ditto Suds…..carry on!
Welcome back. Yes, you were sorely missed. Speedy recovery.
Lol you one crazy sob, missed you last week, glad you ok, if you ever make it to Texas dinners on me
Welcome back Northern Sir. Your tale is, as usual, fascinating and funny, but you get no particular sympathy from me. I’ve been down that road twice. Once in hospital, open procedure, which kept me there several days, and recently arthroscopically, which kept me in “surgical center” several hours. Maybe someday, Canada will discover the wonderful improvement of arthro surgery, and save everybody pain, time and expense.
Glad you’re back, Bob.. Missed you last week. Hope your healing goes well, friend.
Good you’re back and glad to hear you’re on the mend, Bob. You are one of the highlights of Friday Fail, and I missed you last week.
Now, having said all that, did you have them do any work on the chopper while they were there? Tucking up the giblets is fine and all, but considering the work some Canadian surgeon did on Celine Dion there’s really no excuse why you didn’t have at least a sack-lift. Or an ass tattoo.
So glad all went well, Bob. You were certainly missed last week. No one can add a comment to a meme like you!
It’s that time to start the weekend and enjoy our community of friends here.
Let’s set sail for a fantastic start to the weekend!
 
Amen!
Totally agree. So, Plane (Flat) Earth, close sun and moon, the firmament. NASA space and moon landings are a lie.
Post time: 7:40 a.m., EST.
New footage has emerged.
Mike Johnson…The Early Years…
He sings better than any rapper.
Bob’s negger is back!!! They missed you last week Bob!! So did the rest of us!
I wouldn’t know. I’ve never heard a rapper sing. I don’t believe they can – that’s why they’re rappers
Mocking humor.
I love it.
Totally don’t get that. Those are not dsl. I mean they could but kinda hard to keep it up is all I’m saying. The response vid was hilarious though
I can’t believe I was stupid enough to believe it when the people in charge told me the sun is a ball of hot gases 93 million miles away. They lie about everything!
Next time consult with SheeJack.
She can set you straight on celestial bodies.
https://nypost-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/nypost.com/2024/04/09/us-news/sheila-jackson-lee-tells-students-the-moon-is-a-planet-made-up-mostly-of-gases/amp/?amp_js_v=0.1&usqp=mq331AQIUAKwASCAAgM%3D
It is not solid, it could be plasma as a scientist in the 60’s reported and most likely true. Of course Sheila went crazy with her statement, but the gas portion is most likely true.
Very true, Bob, although I suspect snark. The truth is a close sun. NASA’s own fake science suns sun rays should hit the earth straight on, yet you see angled rays every time it is cloudy. An 1860’s experiment using trigonometry proved it to be close. Pictures of sunspots on the cloud top prove it to be close.
nkit always on the mind, when it comes to FF.
So in his honor, your weekly Groan…
And as the gif just above showed, glow ball warming is real.
Got that one in the hospital, didn’t you?
A Suds groan.
That’s a Moray groan…
They have increased as to use less, as society is a scammer cheater fuck (in general)
That does it. I’m starting a new small business specializing in reducing breast cancer incidence in young women. I’ll call it “Bob Sucks.”
The only customers you’re going to get are the ones on the beach at the top of page 3.
Or the trannies
Mybad…
. . . but funny IMO. Disgustingly funny, but still funny.
It…
Catchy!
I tried to tell girls this decades ago, But would they listen.
Noooo
Karma.
I wonder if Webster’s will have this in their 2024 edition as an Add:
FagNig
Absolutely a cross dressing, light-in-his-loafers flamer, YAJ.
See his hissy fit after the embarassment? Priceless.
pretty light on his feet
A sure sign of rabies:
Now you tell me.
Lawsuit? Looks like they got what they deserved.
Guess they got ripped a new asshole.
When they located the problem, they set orange cones all around me, and now a dozen workers in hard hats are standing around while one of them inserts a plug into my butt. It’s quite em-bare-ass-ing.
Got that one from the nurses?
You’d be surprised how often that happens.
The day my grandson asks for a suggestion for an inappropriate comment on a meme is the day my daughter will no longer let me see him.
Sometimes?
Aaaaaaal the time….
Not sure where to point the finger of blame for this FAIL.
The memester who created it, or the nasty one who posted it here.
What she thinks…
The memester could’ve improved his creation by giving the cucumber a horrified face.
You assume the cucumber is horrified.
It might be a gay cake.
Check your gender privilege.
I don’t think that’s a cake, Fuj.
It was supposed to say “gay cuke”.
Robbed by autocorrect.
Horseshit! If that could happen I’d have had a thousand baby hands by now.
I don’t suppose those old cables will ever be collectors’ items like Cabbage Patch dolls? Because, if not, I guess I can get rid of about a million of them.
Patience, Bob. They could be used to strangle some deserving idiot someday.
Ironically I have a box of those, and needed a keyboard for a random project, and every computer available had to take usb
Those were called PS/2 ports.
are old?
Olde enough to remember Olde Englysh Grammyr and Syntax
I go back to when your input/output was a device called CON (console), tethered through a 25-pin DIN (serial) port.
My GOD, how OLD are you????
Configuring IRQ to add peripherals old. Configuring Winsock to connect to the WorldWideWeb old.
Command prompt old.
But truth be told, younger than most on here.
I’ve always done very well servicing legacy systems.
Made a killing with the “dead language” of COBOL before Y2K….
My father was a COBOL programmer back in the 60’s. I remember he used to come home with little yellow chads in his pants cuffs because they ran actual paper tape. He had all these cool plastic templates with all kinds of shapes and pads of graph paper I’d trace the shapes onto. Pretty primitive compared to whatever it is they do today. Looking back he was kind of on the cutting edge of technology even though it looked more like being a draftsman than a programmer.
He told me back in the mid-90’s that the Y2K thing was discussed back in the 60’s (they didn’t call it that) but that there was a line of code they didn’t design to account for the century change and the people putting up the money for the system thought it was to far off to be concerned about it.
The big concern was 2 digit date coding.
But it was 35 years away.
Clearly, these systems would be obsolete and long gone by then.
But they worked. Well.
You don’t fix something that ain’t broke.
So panic broke out in 1999.
And the big rush to recompile decade old code with 4 digit date code.
Similar problem coming up with 32-bit Unix date coding in 2038.
The shapes and pads were probably for logic charts.
They used specific shapes for different nodes of the logic chain.
Kind of like flow charting.
I know the 25 pin D-sub connectors(still available today). Sometimes used as a serial cable but usually used for parallel cables.
Never heard of a CON cable.
(Software) device was called CON (similar to LPT – short for line printer, which could be serial or parallel, but eventually came to mean a parallel port).
These are generally reserved terms unavailable for file names.
The 25-pin DIN is a hardware item, connecting the “console” to the input port, and the output port to “console” (often just a line printer, think 9-pin dot matrix). Monitors were very expensive, and very low res.
25 pin DIN (and 9-pin DIN) were usually RS-232 or RS-422 (protocols still used today), plus a plethora of proprietary protocols (HP and Univac probably had over a dozen between them).
I learned programming in high school on an IBM card punch mainframe.
Each line of code was punched on a card.
Drop your deck on the way to the compiler was a bad day…
Always great to learn some history, thanks! I was a grade schooler in the days of the Trash-80 and VIC-20. Glad we didn’t use punch cards! I still use RS-485 to this day for MODBUS comms. Usually a DB-9 connector. My first modem had to use a telephone. You dialed the number on the phone and then put the headset into rubber cups on the modem. It was fancy, it had a switch to change from 110 to 300 baud!
Erase half my vocabulary? Never!
Nah, they’d fuck up the asylums, too.
And full.
Stupid really does burn.
E.g.,
I watched that 10 times in a row and it did not get any less entertaining.
Speaking for all normal men, I have to say that the only time it would be acceptable to insert a live firecracker into your mouth would be if your only other choice was a dick.
Hey, now he has a reason to speak in ebonics.
From the look of the adult, I think that is his new dad.
Yeah, all the missing black daddies are making commercials posing as the husband of a white woman.
…with asian children
It’s All so FKING Ridiculous. I keep the remote button handy when I watch.
Also the reason that celebrations on Fathers Day are block parties in places like Memphis. Just invite the whole neighborhood!
The reality, much more repulsive than the drawing, made my scrotum retract.
That’s the only thing that retracted,lol
The 2024 budget document could flatten Moscow.
In that case why don’t we drop it on Washington DC?
War crimes ?
Beethoven also scored canon snd muskets in his “Wellingtons Victory” overture. It was originally written for a mechanical orchestra built by Maezel, the inventor of the metronome, but later reorchestrated for a symphony orchestra.
“written for a mechanical orchestra built by Maezel”
Edgar Allen Poe wrote a very nice analysis of “Maelzel’s Chess Player”.
https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Maelzel%27s_Chess-Player
Don’t be so sanguine. When rioting they need kindling for their fires.
Africans look at books the same way vampires look at crosses.
… or a Red Wing store … or a Carhartt store …
Neat! I must get one.
Or, when you can’t stand bureaucrats and you take a noontime joyride through downtown Ottawa.
Facetime…The Early Years…
But note that they only took black and white photos.
I have here a number of options for you, Mr. Radical Muslim, but by far the best one for you is a free one-way ticket to Saudi Arabia.
Fuck y’all, towel heads, and the goat you rode in on.
Those things don’t bite but they scratch like hell.
Shit. I thought at least the ice in my rye and coke was good for me.
And try not to imagine Pete Buttigieg smiling.
Heh, heh.
You said “buttigieg”.
heh, heh….
“she”?? and they only thought the guys were trying to take over from the women! this will be a smash hit on both coasts!
Creative video dub meme-ing; example A.1425…
Quick reminder…
I’m also more likely to fuck a shark than Hillary Clinton.
No father of mine has tits like that.
Bob P, missing the point for decades now.
Her: But if you’re the government won’t you go flaccid and blame it on Trump?
“Eastbound and down, loaded up and truckin’. We gonna do what they say can’t be done….We got a long way to go, and a short time to get there…”
“Put that hammer down and give it hell!”
Is that Captain Terd Ferguson ?
I include this – even though strictly speaking not a fail but rather the opposite.
It’s the smile indicating a mindset of happiness for his friends good fortune instead of jealousy that makes this – IMO – a great image.
a fun meme to send to your bride’s smart phone, men of friday fail…
Surely she’ll see the humor…
Come on! That’s a good serve, Line Judge.
How many months do you figure you will sleep on the couch?
Better regressive than progressive these days.
Sad to say we’ll be selling you to the highest bidders: Democratic politicians.
Brainwashed kids: “That’s ok. We have the government to raise us”.
Democrat parental instincts.
Dual purpose?
My stress balls try to climb up inside me, but maybe that’s too much information.
Not after the surgery.
What about Ben Wa balls?
On Getting Older – I