One crisp winter morning in Sweden, a cute little girl named Greta woke up to a perfect world, one where there were no petroleum products ruining the earth. She tossed aside her cotton sheet and wool blanket and stepped out onto a dirt floor covered with willow bark that had been pulverized with rocks. “What’s this?” she asked.
“Pulverized willow bark,” replied her fairy godmother.
“What happened to the carpet?” she asked.
“The carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum,” came the response.
Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fibre bristles.
“Your old toothbrush?” noted her godmother, “Also nylon.”
“Where’s the water?” asked Greta.
“Down the road in the canal,” replied her godmother, ‘Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in it”
“Why’s there no running water?” Greta asked, becoming a little peevish.
“Well,” said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering at MIT, “Where do we begin?” There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how it’s impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to a make metal, and that’s tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Sweden’s energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and . . .
“What’s for breakfast?” interjected Greta, whose head was hurting.
“Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs,” replied her godmother. “Raw.”
“How so, raw?” inquired Greta.
“Well, . . .” And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans and in the end was educated about how you can’t have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs. Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore.
“But I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes,” lamented Greta.
“Tilda died this morning,” the godmother explained. “Bacterial pneumonia.”
“What?!” interjected Greta. “No one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.”
“Not anymore,” explained godmother “The production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based. Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because there’s not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums can’t really burn many bodies using as fuel Swedish fences and furniture, which are rapidly disappearing – being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.”
This represents only a fraction of Greta’s day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon-fibre boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet.
Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized.
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Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it. They go insane in herds following their green agenda, but they will recover as individuals when they have a gnawing hunger!
“Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized.”
I look forward to tomorrows post,this had better not be a tease!
I have an old hand-drill of my dads the dentist can use. It was made pre petroleum ban….hope that’s ok…..but I get to watch… 🙂
Excellent!
But one question: Doesn’t rubber come from rubber tries? Are tires synthetic as well?
Edit: That was supposed to say trees not tries.
Tires are synthetic rubber, not sure about ties tho… 🙂
Natural rubber accounts for 30% to 40% of the weight of a truck tire and 15% to 30% of the weight of a car tire. Manufacturers consume nearly 70% of the world’s production of natural rubber.
I correct the ties part as well, LOL.
Did you mean rubber trees?
By the way, raw rubber is white, and that’s rayciss.
Yes. Sorry, too many Guinness before bedtime.
“many/much”: proof taken of pre-bedtime beveraging, VV. Slainte.
I said “many” because I was referring to the number of bottles, at least in my head. But, yes, too much.
I saw really nice whitewalls on an old 50’s car the other day.
A lot of ties are silk. Super strict vegans don’t like them because they employ silk worms in their creation, but they are natural. You can certainly dye them with natural dyes (as opposed to petroleum-based). Now how you can manage to unravel the silk and weave it effectively into fabric that could be used for ties without employing petroleum, etc. I’m not sure. (Just playing along).
Original tires were made from natural rubber that was “vulcanized” (process invented by Goodyear). That requires sulfur and heat, which likely requires metal for mining, etc. so likely would be a no-go.
OH DEAR LAWD, I SO HATE LOOKING AT HER FACE!!
What an angry pathetic creature … a product of her parents, who should spend life in prison for child abuse.
Greta’s gonna become One Massively Fucked Up Adult.
Didn’t she already turn 18 quite recently?
Did she? I wouldn’t know.
Born: Greta Tintin Eleonora Ernman Thunberg
3 January 2003 (age 18)
Stockholm, Sweden
Occupation: Student, environmental activist
Years active: 2018–present
Movement: School strike for climate
Greta Tintin Eleonora Ernman Thunberg
Tintin? Wasn’t Tintin a dog? No, wait, Snowy was the dog. Tintin is an imaginary cartoon character who travels the world combating evil or something. That would explain a lot about Greta.
A side note here: it would probably be a good idea to start collecting Tintin books now since cancel culture will be banning them as racist like they have Dr. Seuss’ books.
That is barely indistinguishable from all the other massively fucked up adults we are forced to deal with every day.
Already is.
Her “parents are “antifa” in sweden, Ergo:GRETA!
When will she be resurrected for a White House visit?
And she tells creepy uncle Joe “How DARE you” when he starts getting handsy and smelling her hair.
Maybe Hunter can get her to smoke crack at his love shack?
This is fiction. Greta belongs to the Big Club and will still have all of her amenities. Her little friend down the road is not in the Club and this story will apply to her.
Greta will have the ‘pure’ and expensive versions. Her rugs will be wool, made in Persia (Iran) and her tooth brush will be wood with horse hair bristles (combed from organic horse tails) the anaesthetic drug for her root canal will be either morphine or opium, her clothes will be all natural fabric and the tires on her vehicles will be wooden.
That depends on how long they an use her. She’s getting older, not so appealing for empathy.
Marty’s best in a long time. Droll and delightful, not to mention informative. It’ll make good publicity for my trademarked Grrrrr-eta doll, woven from hemp but with a plastic face like a Cabbage Patch kid, except that it sneers and growls at you before going catatonic.
Let me fix the first sentence. It should be ” a little sour puss named Greta”.
I’m going to link to this every time I read an article in Norway about how leftists there propose stopping all oil drilling by the year 2030. THANKS FOR THE AMMO!
Excellent! We need more spoofs and exposure of the blatantly absurd ideas of those idiots.
Auntie loves fairy tales. (Auntie used to love Dr. Suess too.)
Brilliant Mr Armstrong. This should be on Briebart
Poor Greta, and she is a young one. When life expectancy drops to that of nature for humans, around 33 years, she’ll realize that at age 14 she’s already an old, old maid. What a shame for her and her gene. Gone from all of history, forever. Oil, oil, coal, natural gas and technology, keeping defectives yapping for more than a hundred years!