Biden Claims His Uncle’s Heart Was Ripped Out During Human Sacrifice Ritual In India

Via The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a recent press conference, President Joe Biden recounted a harrowing tale from his family’s past: the time when his uncle had his heart ripped out and was sacrificed during a mysterious ritual in India.

Biden somberly recounted the gruesome events, describing how his uncle had been lured into a dark temple deep in the jungles of India. With a furrowed brow and a trembling voice, Biden detailed the scene.

“There he was, my uncle, standing before a group of chanting priests with strange, twisted faces,” Biden recounted, his eyes misting over with emotion. “And then, in an instant, they reached into his chest and pulled out his beating heart.”

As gasps filled the room, Biden continued his gruesome tale, describing how the next thing he knew, his uncle was being lowered into a pit of molten lava, somehow screaming all the way down. His uncles’ squadmates barely survived, Biden claimed, after narrowly escaping a collapsing rope bridge and also dodging a big round boulder.

“Seriously folks — not a joke!” Biden insisted, his hand placed solemnly over his heart. “And if you don’t believe me, then I’m not a Professor of Archaeology.”

At publishing time, Biden’s face had become grim, his gaze piercing through the camera lens as he warned the press you never know what dangers lurk behind those ancient stone walls.

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12 Comments
Anonymouse
Anonymouse
April 21, 2024 1:53 pm

Someone ask him about showers with Ashley…see if there’s any mental firewall still functioning.

Anonymous
Anonymous
  Anonymouse
April 22, 2024 7:45 pm

Biden: Who’s Ashley?

anon a moos
anon a moos
April 21, 2024 2:16 pm

Worst is poor old ordinary man of the street joe witnessed this personally too.

musket
musket
April 21, 2024 2:55 pm

He’s a clown and not a good one at that and it is time to terminate the act.

Cricket
Cricket
April 21, 2024 3:30 pm
GCE
GCE
April 21, 2024 4:10 pm

I thought it was Beau who died in India? Does it really matter?

Anonymous
Anonymous
  GCE
April 22, 2024 8:02 am

Beau died in he US Civil war of Covid because they didn’t have masks or vaccines back then.

10ffgrid
10ffgrid
April 21, 2024 4:45 pm

He’s such a disgusting liar. His entire life has been comprised of “zero” accomplishments and mountains of fabricated lies. From plagiarism to national security concerns – his first and only reflex is to lie.

lamont cranston
lamont cranston
April 21, 2024 6:15 pm

And another uncle was vanquished by KAOS.

Anonymous
Anonymous
April 21, 2024 7:55 pm

Joe Biden remembers when Western cowboys killed his Uncle on the high plains while he was a drifter with Clint Eastwood and ate his Uncle’s rocky mountain oysters after barbecuing them over an open fire as the deer and the buffalo played!
(This also is parody for any government snoopers information)

Cranky Goat
Cranky Goat
April 21, 2024 9:15 pm

India? I thought it was the Aztecs that did the rip out the heart for sacrifice thing.  He’s old enough. He must have at least visited and seen it before Cortez came along.

Capt Barty
Capt Barty
  Cranky Goat
April 22, 2024 9:46 am

Yes, and the Maya.

The 2nd and 3rd paragraphs sound like he is describing a scene from “Gunga Din” (minus the heart business). All he needs is a priest screaming “Kill, for the love of Kali….”