This is a hysterical satire of what the rest of the world sees when we dictate what should happen in their countries. Introspection is not a strong point of the American Empire
How would American media cover the news from Ferguson, Missouri, if it were happening in just about any other country? How would the world respond differently? Here, to borrow a great idea from Slate’s Joshua Keating, is a satirical take on the story you might be reading if Ferguson were in, say, Iraq or Pakistan.
FERGUSON — Chinese and Russian officials are warning of a potential humanitarian crisis in the restive American province of Missouri, where ancient communal tensions have boiled over into full-blown violence.
“We must use all means at our disposal to end the violence and restore calm to the region,” Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov said in comments to an emergency United Nations Security Council session on the America crisis.
The crisis began a week ago in Ferguson, a remote Missouri village that has been a hotbed of sectarian tension. State security forces shot and killed an unarmed man, which regional analysts say has angered the local population by surfacing deep-seated sectarian grievances. Regime security forces cracked down brutally on largely peaceful protests, worsening the crisis.
America has been roiled by political instability and protests in recent years, which analysts warn can create fertile ground for extremists.
Missouri, far-removed from the glistening capital city of Washington, is ostensibly ruled by a charismatic but troubled official named Jay Nixon, who has appeared unable to successfully intervene and has resisted efforts at mediation from central government officials. Complicating matters, President Obama is himself a member of the minority sect protesting in Ferguson, which is ruled overwhelmingly by members of America’s majority “white people” sect.
Analysts who study the opaque American political system, in which all provinces are granted semi-autonomous self-rule, warned that Nixon may seize the opportunity to move against weakened municipal rulers in Ferguson. Missouri’s provincial legislature, a traditional “shura council,” is dominated by the opposition faction. Though fears of a military coup remain low, it is still unknown how Nixon’s allies within the capital will respond should the crisis continue.
Now, international leaders say they fear the crisis could spread.
“The only lasting solution is reconciliation among American communities and stronger Missouri security forces,” Chinese President Xi Jinping said in a speech from his vacation home in Hainan. “However, we can and should support moderate forces who can bring stability to America. So we will continue to pursue a broader strategy that empowers Americans to confront this crisis.”
Xi’s comments were widely taken as an indication that China would begin arming moderate factions in Missouri, in the hopes of overpowering rogue regime forces and preventing extremism from taking root. An unknown number of Kurdish peshmerga military “advisers” have traveled to the region to help provide security. Gun sales have been spiking in the US since the crisis began.
Analysts warn the violence could spread toward oil-producing regions such as Oklahoma or even disrupt the flow of American beer supplies, some of the largest in the world, and could provide a fertile breeding ground for extremists. Though al-Qaeda is not known to have yet established a foothold in Missouri, its leaders have previously hinted at assets there.
Though Missouri is infamous abroad for its simmering sectarian tensions and brutal regime crackdowns, foreign visitors here are greeted warmly and with hospitality. A lawless expanse of dogwood trees and beer breweries, Missouri is located in a central United States region that Americans refer to, curiously, as the “MidWest” though it is nearer to the country’s east.
It is known among Americans as the home of Mark Twain, a provincial writer from the country’s small but cherished literary culture, and as the originator of Budweiser, a traditional American alcoholic beverage. Budweiser itself is now owned by a Belgian firm, in a sign of how globalization is transforming even this remote area of the United States. Analysts say some american communities have struggled as globalization has pulled jobs into more developed countries, worsening instability here.
Locals here eat a regional delicacy known as barbecue, made from the rib bones of pigs, and subsist on traditional crafts such as agriculture and aerospace engineering. The regional center of commerce is known locally as Saint Louis, named for a 13th century French king, a legacy of Missouri’s history as a remote and violent corner of the French Empire.
Though Ferguson’s streets remained quiet on Friday, a palpable sense of tension and uncertainty hung in the air. A Chinese Embassy official here declined to comment but urged all parties to exhibit restraint and respect for the rule of law. In Moscow, Kremlin planners were said to be preparing for a possible military intervention should political instability spread to the nearby oil-producing region of Texas.
Sharp pointed sticks hurt sometimes.
Wow. That was brilliantly witty.
Ah, this might be the “official” press releases, but the actual thoughts of the leaders, and their citizens, would go something like this:
Bwaahahaaahahahahhhhaaaahhaaahhhaaa
How’s it feel Round Eyes?
bwaahahahahahahahhhahaahh
In all seriousness, we are going to find out – the hard way – that the vast majority of the world has been taught/learned to hate us, and there isn’t going to be assistance or help coming our way.
That was a fabulous piece, very poignantly written. The only thing missing was the description of bombing strikes that were helping to free the people of Ferguson that were stuck on a mountain top. The view looking into the mirror does not look so good does it?
That was extremely funny.
I’d give it a ten.
First class parody.
RE
Your missing the point Gringo, it isn’t a roast. This is a parody of the American attitude in foreign lands. The author thought it a great opportunity to show you what it looks like when the foot is in the other shoe but you are so obtuse as to think, HAHA, the muppets are playing grown-up. No doubt your tickled when the baby holds a beer bottle and acts like a fool. He is only imitating dada.
They say power corrupts, but the corruption isn’t limited to morals, it also decomposes the intelligence of a powerful nation, you fat cows. Bwahahahahahahaha………………..
speaking of parody..
What this nation of morons needs is another huge -ass in the Offal Office.
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The World Comments On Ferguson
Submitted by Mike Krieger of Liberty Blitzkrieg blog,
You know you’ve lost the plot when Egypt, Iran, China and the United Nations all feel so comfortable they have the moral high ground that they publicly chastise the U.S. about events in Ferguson.
Indeed, this has been a theme at Liberty Blitzkrieg all year. I have repeatedly discussed the ridiculousness of our political leaders talking about absurd “humanitarian wars” (which coincidentally tend to aggregate in regions with gigantic oil reserves), while strongly supporting some of the most authoritarian and fascist regimes on earth such as Saudi Arabia.
Whether or not the U.S. ever deserved the moral high ground it possessed just after World War II, this position has been clearly lost in the eyes of the world, and increasingly domestically as well. Politicians can continue to repeat catch phrases from the 1950′s all they want. It’s not going to make a shred of difference.
In case you have any doubt what a embarrassment of a Banana Republic the U.S. has become in the eyes of the world, check out these excerpts from a BBC article:
Egypt’s government has called on US authorities to show restraint against protesters in Ferguson, Missouri.
It said it was “closely following the escalation of protests” after the fatal shooting of an unarmed black teenager by a white policeman on 9 August.
The statement echoes US President Barack Obama’s comments during Egypt’s crackdown on protesters in 2013.
The statement from Egypt’s foreign ministry followed a similar call from United Nations chief Ban Ki-moon, who called on Missouri police to abide by “US and international standards”.
Iran added its voice to the criticism, with Majid Takht-Ravanchi, the deputy foreign minister for European and American Affairs, saying the unrest was a sign of “the phenomenon of racism” in the West.
Meanwhile Chinese state news agency Xinhua said that despite the US playing the role of an international human rights defender, the clashes showed “there is still much room for improvement at home”.
“Obviously, what the United States needs to do is to concentrate on solving its own problems rather than always pointing fingers at others,” the Xinhua editorial added.
America’s Tiananmen Square