Man Terrified To Realize He Could Easily Go On Like This
FARMINGTON, NM—Despite being deeply dissatisfied with nearly every aspect of his life, local man Paul Gallardo told reporters Thursday that he was terrified to realize he could very easily continue to exist in such an unhappy state and probably would do so indefinitely.
Gallardo, a part-time file clerk who is unmarried and has few meaningful relationships of any kind, stated that although his personal and professional circumstances were an ongoing source of distress, he feared they would never be sufficiently unbearable to compel him to remedy his situation. According to Gallardo, after more than four decades of living with his painful but entirely manageable loneliness, he was unlikely to ever improve himself, a fact he said has filled him with dread.
“I’ve always been miserable, but I guess I haven’t been quite miserable enough to do anything about it,” said Gallardo, 44, who added that while his daily life is consistently unpleasant, he has never felt the need to abuse alcohol or drugs to numb his emotional anguish. “I still go to my awful job, still pay my rent, still eat a whole frozen pizza pretty much every night. I hate every minute of it, but it’s not making me panic or reassess my life or anything. I kind of wish it did, though.”
“And that’s what’s so scary,” continued Gallardo. “I’m sad, really sad, but I’m also pretty comfortable with everything. God, I hate to say it, but I could see myself doing this for years.”
Gallardo told reporters that he is continually disappointed with the increasingly overweight and unambitious individual he sees in the mirror each day, but he expressed his deep-seated worry that there may never come a day when he is so overwhelmed with disgust at his own reflection that he vows to change himself at any cost. Instead, the man who cannot remember the last weekend he did not spend alone in his apartment said he was alarmed to discover that it would “not be much of a problem at all” to pass the rest of his time on earth in the same state of moderate dejection he has felt for decades.
“If there hasn’t been a wake-up call by now, it’s hard to imagine there’s ever going to be one,” said Gallardo, who claimed to be deeply dismayed by his complacency at sitting on his couch and aimlessly poking around the internet until he falls asleep each night. “There’s no pressure building up inside me, and I’m okay with that.”
“I’m 100 percent okay with that,” Gallardo added. “Jesus Christ.”
Gallardo told reporters that as long as he could continue completing day-to-day activities such as doing laundry and grocery shopping, he would be perfectly capable of putting one foot in front of the other until he died—almost certainly alone—in about 40 years, a realization a frightened Gallardo said would nevertheless fail to alter his debilitating behavior in the slightest.
“Some people take stock of their lives and finally say ‘enough is enough,’” Gallardo said. “I can’t do that. I’m pretty sure I won’t ever do that. I think it’s safe to say I’ll keep putting up with myself year after year and simply never reach a breaking point. Jeez, that’s awful. What am I going to do about this?”
“Forget it,” added Gallardo, shaking his head. “I already know the answer to that.”
He just needs to upload fake pictures and make up wild stories on his facebook page and “viola” his life will then be perfect. (sarc). John
Get the hell out of Minnesota. That’s the problem. Jeez
Hilarious,
A typical American.
“I’ve always been miserable, but I guess I haven’t been quite miserable enough to do anything about it”
That about says it all, how Obama and the criminals in Washington continue to get away with it all.
He’s from New Mexico (NM), not Minnesota. If he was from Minnesota, he’s be twice as fat.
He needs to pull a Walter White, spice things up a little.
Here’s proof of what I’ve been saying: Those people who say “when it gets bad we’re going to have a revolution” – completely untrue.
Look at this wage slave who works in a cube-farm. No matter how bad it gets – he does nothing.
Ah, The Onion…
lol
Kinda’ like the guy who goes to his Doc ’cause he’s noticed that his dick is turning orange. When the Doc inquires about his lifestyle the guy says ” Doc,I spend most of my day eating Cheetos and watching porn ” .
AMD,
Nope. New Mexicanos are even fatter than us http://www.webmd.com/diet/news/20120813/state-obesity-rankings-no-winners
We are #4 in binge drinking, though. http://www.cnsnews.com/news/article/wisconsin-leads-nation-binge-drinking-says-cdc-seven-midwest-states-top-ten So we got that going for us.
Hypothetical individual of course (via The Onion!), BUT – not necessarily an uncommon problem, globally. I work with educated (VERY educated) colleagues who are not much better, and equally uninterested in changing the lifestyle they regularly complain about.
One solution would be to work overseas whilst it is still possible to live outside America, however I am very mindful of the global reach of your IRS – which would be a significant disincentive. Travel certainly broadens the mind, and even in today’s harder times, overseas work experience is still valued by many of the more reputable employers, so possibly a “win, win” scenario?
What a bizarre world.., I’ll say it, The Onion, “America’s finest news source” nails it again. who’d have ever thunck it.
Somehow, this does not play out the story the way The Onion usually does it.
I think this guy/gal is real – in huge numbers and The Onion is just pointing it out.
The only problem is how does one kick oneself in the arse hard enough to escape the sorry downward spiral that the story illustrates? Have we become a race of video gazing, game playing, movie going dipwads that we as a race are unable to actually achieve a life that is worth living? Must we just drift along in an imaginary world of video games, internet social sites, Facebook and #twitter that we cannot escape it?
Walking down a well traveled street, we see hundreds of human beings viewing the world through peripheral vision, looking at an IPod or Smartphone and only seeing people around him/her out of the corner of the eye. How sad.
This trend shows no signs of abating and as a result, the real world continue to shrink within a virtual existence that becomes more and more vacuous and more simulated every day.
MA
Muck,
What’s this downward spiral you’re talking about? Guy sounds like he’s got it made. Single. TV. Hot Pockets.
WELL he ain’t going to be laying on his couch much longer,AMERICA is about to experince a major HIT by an ASTEROID,in the gulf,ITS FIVE MILES ACROSS,and SHES COMING DOWN,you will not be warned,TILL IT HITS,and then it’ll be to late to get ready,ALL HELL will break loose right after ward,you’ll have russian and and chinese MILITARY TROOPS on you,plus the police gangs,and AMERICAN MILITARY too…………GET READY……….america is about to come UNGLUED……………
Arizona
It’s an Onion article, you stupid dipshit. Fuck off. And stop spamming the site with your drivel.
“If he WAS (emphasis mine) from Minnesota …..”
—-AWD
Were.
Me thinks the automated algo has fried. Right Arizona?