PARENTS DO THE DARNEDEST THINGS

When my sons each hit the age to start teaching them “the rules,” one by one I’d catch them doing something not-okay and say, “go sit on the couch, you have 5 minutes to sit there.”

Of course, being the first time they’d heard this, they each ignored me.

I walked over to the rule-breaker, picked him up, crossed to the couch, sat him on my lap and crossed my arms over him, pinning him to my chest.

I’d then say, “Look, I’m a hundred times stronger than you are, and I can hold you here forever. As soon as you stop kicking, struggling and head-butting me I’ll set you next to me and will give you up to three explanations of the rule that you broke. If after three tries you still don’t understand the rule, then the answer is “because I said so,” not all the rules are for your benefit. Some of them exist just so we can all stand to live in the same house.”

I then told them that there were TWO kinds of control in this world, SELF-control and OTHERS-control. If a person doesn’t control himself, someone else will and if they get to be my size, the OTHER comes with a badge, a gun and a bad attitude.

I continued that it was MY job, as their father, to help them learn self-control, and that until they learned it I was the one who would control them. I also noted that I didn’t want to control them, it was just my job until they learned, so it was in BOTH of our interests for them to learn self-control.

The older two required but a single time on my lap to learn this, after which any time their mother or I told them to “go sit on the couch,” they did it immediately, though rarely happily. My youngest, being stubborn, took three times on my lap to get the message.

After that, if someone said something out of line, I’d always ask him to rewind the tape and re-listen to what he said and decide if he REALLY wanted to say that to me…to think of his goal in our exchange, and see if what he said moved him CLOSER to his goal or AWAY from his goal.

If all else failed, I threatened (while smiling ear-to-ear) to simply get them on the floor, sit on them and bounce until I heard their ribs creak. Never needed to follow through on that one. Even joking about it made them straighten up.

My favorite was Dad’s Rule of Holes: When you find yourself in a hole, the first rule is “stop digging.” In an argument, I’d eventually point out that they were in a hole….and if they were inclined to double-down I’d ask if they needed me to rent a backhoe for them.

My sons weren’t just told WHAT to do (by mom and dad), they were told WHY. I shared the WHY behind every decision of which they were aware.

That, my friends, is a one-stop-shop for a successful system of parenting boys. I can’t warrant it for girls, but I suspect it would work for either sex. It may also be primarily useful for bright kids. I didn’t raise any morons, and don’t warrant it for stupid people.

TE, outstanding. Don’t you find it inscrutable when people can’t figure out how to parent?

It’s not rocket science. It’s not New Age Philosophy. It’s common sense.

Yes, I’m foolish enough to still use that term. I can’t help it, it’s a weakness.

I just reasoned it out. I didn’t want to beat my kids, but chaos was not an option. Like I said, I was (and remain) obsessed with explaining the WHY of what they watched me do. I think some of it stuck. They all seem like good guys, and they all appear to have married nice gals.

What more can one ask for, other than good health?